And not “MLS” photos, but rather photos from my daily meanderings around the city.
Maybe I’ve been camera-shy over the last few months, as I don’t have more than a dozen of what the kids call “doozies” saved up, but I assure you, the ones I have below are the true cat’s meow.
Plus, now that my “Men In Belted Sweaters” magazine subscription has been discontinued, I find myself with an extra three hours per week to sort through my photos…
Everybody and their mother wants to buy, “fix up,” and flip real estate.
But not everybody – and especially not their mother, is equipped to do it.
First impressions, folks. They’re important.
Maybe don’t put both locks on upside-down, so that the very first thought in every buyer’s head is “Oh my God, this house is going to be f’d up…”
When it comes to things like “wiring” and “building code” and “presentation,” my advice is to ignore it all, and simply put a light-switch on the ceiling, and don’t do a proper job mudding and sanding the drywall either:
Also, put a toilet in a random place in the house.
Toilet, no sink. Sanitation is soooooo 1996.
Then, skimp on the cost of a full door, and just use 2/3rds of one:
And in case the photo of that “bathroom” doesn’t show how insane this is in practice, think about how only a person with no legs can use the toilet, with the door closed:
It’s common practice for Realtors to leave a business card behind when they show a property.
It shows the seller that they were in the home.
But it’s also a good way for you, as a buyer, to gage the interest level in the home.
A good rule of thumb – if the stack of cards are as big as your thumb, there’s been a crazy level of interest.
Now try to guess the proverbial “jellybeans in the jar” here – how many cards?
Yes, I counted.
My clients were late…
Here’s something fun!
How many parking spaces do you expect in your standard $2,500,000 home?
A two-car garage would be nice, but you can’t always get that.
But what about a zero-car garage?
Here’s my car (for you car guys – a Lexus IS 250), which I don’t think is even a “mid-size” sedan, and which won’t fit in the goddam garage!
Seriously, I measured with a tape.
Yeah, those clients were late too…
I would LOVE to hear the conversation that transpires between the two owners of these two houses:
“Hey Joe, are you having issues with your analog signal?”
“Yeah Bill, it hasn’t been working lately. And by lately, I mean in the last eight years.”
“I might just adjust the rabbit-ears on my TV set.”
“Not sure if it’s UHF or VHF that’s the problem, but I’m hoping to have it up and running before the next Baby Blue Friday Night Movie…”
Have you been to prison?
Well, have you seen Oz?
Or any movie or TV series about prison?
Do you know what a “shank” is?
Well, the owner of this house had about a dozen of these in his basement:
Okay, I’ll admit, I am not a structural engineer.
But there’s no way this staircase, made from a recycled bookshelf, is up to today’s building code:
I am a firm believer in the value of staging.
I stage almost every property I list for sale, to some degree, and I am 100% convinced that it results in more money for the seller.
However, if you stage a property while on drugs, and blindfolded, you end up with something like this:
And last, but certainly not least, now that summer is (almost?) upon us, it’s a good time to remember that on the roof of your 550-unit condominium, there is a hot tub that comfortably seats three people:
And yes, you can trust that the staff at your condo are cleaning this daily, checking the PH levels, and making sure the urine content is hovering somewhere around par.