The Ugliest House I Have Ever Seen

Folks, I’m sick.  And I can’t think.

You know when your head feels like it’s in a cloud?

I’ve taken a few calls this week, and I’m coherent enough to chat.  But write 1,800 insightful and intelligent words?  I’m not up for the task.

So today, simply gaze upon the single ugliest house I have ever seen…

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What a pretty house, right?

Look at it from the outside – it’s kind of quaint.

Here’s another picture:

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Gorgeous!

Love that American flag hanging out front.

Cosmo Kramer would say, “Welcome to Anytown, U.S.A.”

Connecticut!

Beautiful!

When I think “Connecticut,” well, never having been there, and only knowing what I hear anecdotally, I think “big money.”

And thus I think “Gorgeous houses.”

This pretty gem is a 5-bed, 4-bath, available for sale for a mere $339,900.”

But as we know with people, beneath the exterior often lays something entirely different.

This house, ladies and gentlemen, is like that nice man that approached you and your little brother at Trace Manes Park one summer night in 1986, telling you that you had “nice hands” and that he was a hand model scout, and that you could make a lot of money, but when you told your parents that night, they freaked out, and told you he wanted to eat you…

(True Story, btw.  Mom – do you remember?)

Hand-modelling aside, this house is not, on the interior, what it seems, at face value.

Shall we have a look?

Oh one more thing – the listing says, “One-of-a-kind finishing completed by a professional.”

So to the person who emailed me a couple weeks back, when I said something in my Pick5 about MLS listings that say “professionally designed,” and how the term “professional” doesn’t have any meaning – well, this is my salvation…

Then again, they could have meant “professional lunatic,” or “professional half-blind, half-mad” person.

“Professional, I-like-to-wrap-the-spindles-on-the-railings-with-bed-sheets.”

Ah, let’s get to the pictures, you’ll see…

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Call me if you want to me to draft an offer…

18 Comments

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  1. Buckley B Buckington says:

    This place is a work of art. I am sad to think that once this is sold all that character will vanish, and there will be nothing but these photos left of all the countless hours of effort that the owner went into creating this.

  2. Ouch says:

    What’s astonishing to me is the amount of time invested. The homemade tables and chairs. Well, the homemade everything actually. I’m guessing the seller is either unemployed or retired. What it reminds me most of is some of the cakes I’ve seen on cakewrecks.com.

  3. Kramer says:

    That would be like living inside a dead cow. Sweet jesus. Tear it down, for living in there would drive someone to become a horror villain.

  4. Squidward says:

    Did you see the price history on this one? Even funnier than the decor. From a low of $285,000 (Dec. 2015) to a high of $1,490,000 (April 2015). It’s been on and off the market since 2013.

  5. David(Not the David who runs this web site) says:

    That house looks like a movie set for a cheap and really bad 1950’s horror movie. I can’t imagine spending five seconds in that house, never mind actually buying it and moving in. Whoever decorated it should probably see a good shrink. I wonder if the owner wears a goalie mask and is fond of chain saws … Too bad that we didn’t get to see the basement. The kitchen looks like someone is heavily into “home butchering”. I can’t really tell if that’s just paint on the walls.

    I seriously doubt that this house could be “staged” with a paint job and some nice furniture. I would be really pissed at my agent if they had seen it and then wasted my time trying to show me this place.

    David, I hope that you feel better soon. There’s a nasty cold bug that’s been going around Toronto for the last month or so, everyone seems to have it at the office and on the subway. Get some rest and don’t look at these photos anymore. 🙂

  6. JG says:

    oh my lord!! that is straight out of a horror movie. I cant even!

  7. Tamir says:

    MY EYES!!!!

  8. GinaTO says:

    You should put a warning: “Do not watch while you drink coffee”, mine is now all over my keyboard. Wtf is this. For some reason, it’s the pink door cut in half that stays with me though.

  9. Joe Q. says:

    These pics are overloading the visual system of my brain, so I’ll soon have to close this browser window. In the meantime, David, hope you get well soon.

  10. Libertarian says:

    Is that the bottom half of a door in the picture of the bedroom with a bench in front of the bed? It’s the 6th photo from the bottom. The mattress is in the middle of the room, so the bench, with lace arches is the headboard? WTF!?!?

  11. Kyle says:

    The irony is that someone clearly put in some real effort here. One can only imagine what the place looked like before all the personal items, photos & thcotchkes were put away, and before someone tidied the countertops, put out a nice bowl of fruit and bottle of 7UP for staging. The place even looks really clean.

  12. Parkhurst.Bessborough says:

    Ew. Ew.
    It’s amazing what passes for taste.

  13. Mark Nowaczynski says:

    It looks like a creepy set from The Walking Dead, except that it’s the house that died and came back as a zombie. Very, very creepy indeed…

  14. IanC says:

    At least it has some character, and not just builders beige.

    Oh, and my sister used to do the same thing to the walls in her crib whenever she was upset.

  15. Ed says:

    I like the seance room with the boxers hanging in there to dry.

    But seriously David, wouldn’t you tell your clients to look past the furniture and the blood on the walls because those are things you are likely to change anyways.

  16. Dan Dickinson says:

    Wait, what?

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