Tear Down Fort York!

NOTE: I’m not being serious.

The following is written from the perspective of today’s 20-year-old moron.

I think that today’s teenagers and young adults are likely the stupidest generation since mankind first inhabited the earth.  And notice that I said “mankind,” because if I included all mammals, I think there are a few species of dinosaurs that would have beaten out today’s kids…


Ewww Ewww Ewww!

I just had, like, the worst afternoon e-v-e-r!

My mom like dragged me to see this awful rental apartment which I would totally never live in, unless I was dead!  LOL.

It was in the total ghetto – like King Street or Queen or something.  And my mom knows that I wanna live downtown where all my friends live anyways.  Duh, like, thanks mom!

And I’m pretty sure if my parents ever listened to me, they’d know that I want a condo like Ryder’s parents bought for her last year!

Anyways, I like ran out of that place and then we got some like awful Timothy’s coffee because there was no Starbucks around, and then we went to see some condo sales place.

It was like this ‘sort-of’ condo that is still being built, but is gonna be ready soon.  It’s down in CityPlace where like Sebastian and Paul and those guys live, not that I’d want to live in the same place as them since they’re so out of touch they think Chris Brown is still cool!  LMAO!

So the sales-guy, who was totally hot BTW – like Robert Pattinson but with better teeth, starts telling us how after these condos are built, there won’t be any more because there’s no more land or something.  Total sales job on my mom, who was like eating it up!  OMG LOL!!

So I point out the land on the other side of the street and ask why they don’t build on that.  Duh!  Really.

He says it’s “Fort York,” which clearly it’s not because Victor and Charlotte live at 219 Fort York and I’ve partied there like a thousand times, and puked about nine-hundred, and Alyssa was dating some drummer guy that lived at 231 Fort York and she threw his snare out the window when he dumped her!  ROFL!

So then the sales-guy, he like says that he’s talking about some old fort on the other side of the condo, and they can’t tear it down because it’s too old, which makes no sense.

It’s like some stupid old war houses or something, IDK…

I asked if there’s anybody even living in those ugly little houses and he said there isn’t, so like why are they even there?  LOL!

Why can’t they build new condos where those old houses are?

Seriously, old = gross.

Like, old food = gross.

And old people = super-gross.

Or like old books = gross and who reads books anyways?  Helloooo?  Like have you heard of a computer?  LMFAO!

Oh – and old cars are totally gross!

Like last week, my dad tells me that he finally bought me a car.  I’ve been bugging him for like the whole summer, and he knows I need a car because the buses and subways are so disgusting and full of dirty people who smell.

So I’m thinking, like, Acura or something, and he emails me this awful photo of this disgusting car from the stone age!  A 2003 Toyota Camry, helloo?  OMG.  Seriously, I wanted to die.  LOL!

It like belonged to his friend’s nanny or something, and now he thinks that I should drive it?  I swear he doesn’t love me.  I was like thirteen when that car came out.  There’s like room for one C.D. and I can’t even plug in my I-Pod.  His friend should just like give it to some other nanny.  Seriously dad, like GTFO!

So I totally started to cry, and my dad was bugging out like, “Bunny Rabbit, what do you expect?”

So I sent him a photo of the new 2011 Infiniti G37 coupe that Taylor’s dad bought her, and I said, “Um, something actually driveable, like that!”

He calls me on the phone, because he’s like the slowest typer ever and he can’t even use email, and he says that I have to make a choice between the condo and the car, which I find to be so hypocritical because I know him and my mom have so much money.

Like, they just spent $40,000 renovating their stupid kitchen!  He could have given me that money, and I could live off it for like a half a year!  I swear, they don’t love me.

So when I got home, he told me again like I have to choose between a car and the condo, and I asked him, “Where do you want me to live for school next year?”  So he puts out his arms and looks around like to say I should live at home for another year.  AYH?

That’s just not happening.

Last year was like the worst year of my life, I swear.  LOL.  Having my parents home while I’m actually trying to enjoy university life made it impossible.  I had a bunch of people over one night when my parents were out, and we were like dancing up a storm outside to Taio Cruz and Flo Rida.  Then my mom comes home and starts crying because somebody like stepped on her stupid plants in the garden.  Honestly, who cares!?!  WTF?  They’re just stupid plants!  FML!  Get a life, mom!

Yeah, there’s no way I’m going through that for another year.

Oka, so like my dad starts asking like how much money I have to contribute, as if he doesn’t have enough money of his own, he needs mine!  So I told him that clearly he knows nothing about me or my life, because if he paid attention, he’d remember that I’m always asking him and mom for money, so clearly I don’t have any of my own!  Duh!  

Seriously, he should know – money doesn’t grow on trees!  And does he think that stuff is free?  Like does he think that going to sixteen TIFF parties in nine days doesn’t cost me anything?  I swear, he knows nothing about my life.  FFS!

So I told my dad, like fine, whatever, and I said, “Okay so I’ll just go live in a cardboard box somewhere and I’ll let drug addicts have their way with me!”

My mom just sits there the whole time.  She agrees with everything he says, it’s so unfair.

And she tells me that I’m not ready to live on my own because I don’t know how to cook and clean and stuff.  And I’m like, “Helloooo?”  That’s exactly why I want to live on my own – like there’s no shortage of cool restaurants downtown!  I could go out for dinner every night!

I just know they’re not gonna buy me a car.

Or I’ll probably end up with some like crappy VW or something, which I’ll be so embarassed to drive.

Okay so back to this afternoon – my mom is telling me we can afford to buy this condo that is being built, but not ready for another six months, and the thought of having to live with the ‘rents until after new year’s makes me want to cry worse than when I found out Bryce was cheating on me with that stupid girl with the fake Louis Vuitton purse.  FFS!

And the whole time I’m thinking there are like a million condos I can see as we’re standing in this stupid sales centre, like the ones down the street on Fort York!

And again, the cute but boring sales-guy starts going on about the history of that stupid old fort from like world war two or something.  I swear, my grandpa would love this guy and his lame stories.

Like world war two was so long ago, who even cares anymore?  Why are we still talking about it?  And if that fort is seriously that old, just get rid of it already and put up some new buildings with like awesome rooftop patios with pools that people can party on and see the lake!  LOL!

And what was the point of that supid war anyways?  They could have just like not had that war, and like one billion people who died in Russia would have been able to live happy lives instead of getting killed for no reason.

The world would be such a better place if that like never happened.  But then my grandpa wouldn’t have all his boring stories and his dusty old letters – oh and that would have driven me insane not being able to text people back home.

Old people have the lamest outlook on life.  It’s like all they can do is look backwards, and they don’t understand us.  Like we’re the ones who are going to rule the world someday so they should be listening to us and learning from us.  LOL OMG!!!

Anyways, so then my mom starts telling me that maybe we’ll just rent a place for me next year, and I started to think clearly there is no God.

Except, there probably is a God, and it’s a woman, and she totally looks like Madonna from the Material Girl era except she wears all D&G and Fendi…

In the space of a few hours, my mom’s ideas went from renting (bad), to buying a condo that is almost built (okay, I guess), and back to renting (worse than the first time).  She’s about to turn 50 so I guess her brain is melting or something because it’s almost like she forgot that this morning we went to see an awful place for rent and I ran out of there!  Like, helloooo, NOT interested, mom!  FML

Whatever.  Once I get out of the house, I won’t have to deal with her.

So I ended up calling my friend Madison and asking if I could come by her place with my mom to show her what a real condo looks like.

Madison is my BFF.  She has the life I want.

Maddi’s parent’s know how to truly live life!  They just bought a sick house down in Barbados, and they fly there every other weekend, which is awesome because it means we can go party at their place in Collingwood without them being there.  And they always leave Maddi an allowance for the weekend, like a few hundred dollars for gas, booze, food, and the necessities, which my parents never do.

So Maddi lives at 60 Bathurst Street in a penthouse that her dad bought for her a few years ago.  She has this amazing rug in her bedroom that she got last summer on Rodeo Drive when she was in Los Angeles for a few weeks.  Life is so unfair.  I was stuck here working at that stupid hot and smelly golf course making only like $250 a day…

My mom seemed to like the place, but in the car on the way home she started freaking out at me like, “You think I’m gonna buy you a million-dollar condo at 20-years-old?”  She called me “spoiled” which I don’t think is fair, considering how much money my dad gives her.

And I told her that the condo was only like $600,000 so she should seriously do some homework or just stop exaggerating to prove a point.  OMG.

She started every sentance with “When I was your age,” as if somehow I care what went on in the 70’s or whatever.  Like how dumb were people back then anyways?  They didn’t even invent the Internet or cell phones yet so it’s not like they have a leg to stand on in today’s world, IMHO.

We didn’t talk for like the whole rest of the ride home.

Anyways, that’s when we got home and my dad started in with his whole “What are you going to contribute” BS.

Why have kids if you aren’t going to support them?  I should totally like call some hotline for bad parents and report them or something! LMFAO!

So it looks like this little princess will have no car and no condo for the next little while, but thankfully I have friends with cool parents who support them and I can always get a ride from Jules or Ashleigh cuz they’re in like all my classes and they drive to school every day.  It’s just the whole living at home thing I’m still worried about, but I’ll get through it, I always do! 🙂

Oh crap!  I totally forgot Jersey Shore is on right now and I forgot to PVR it!

I swear, my life can’t possibly get any worse…


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  1. graham says:

    I hated the way this began by slagging the young unfairly. It is dangerous to let the sway of an admittedly very funny and seemingly “all too true” mock rant lump every youth together with this whining twat with too much Paris Hilton in her jeans.

    However, there is some truth to this attitude as a general malaise according to a couple of friends of mine who teach and have noticed an uptick of late at universities where the students regard the prof as a service provider. But at least on the glorified end of the service provider scale that has Gap clerk t the other.

    “No I don’t accept this mark. I specifically ordered an A- with a two redos of the exam should I need it. ” Your not allowed to fail me. My failure as a student is yours as a prof. If I go, you go.

    The dumbing down of people in consumer culture that cuts the moral and ethical fat from the produce that norishes popular culture is a transient satiation with out a lasting residual that can feed you in times of ambiguity or confusion. Which is like always.

    The caution expressed below is on the money for the rest,

    “To all those 20 -somethings who aren’t spoiled, realize that you have a fairly easy opportunity to exel beyond your cohorts. With a little planning, determination and work ethic you will indeed leave your cohorts in the dust, while they continue to be spoon-fed and chase dreams of becoming a celebrity gossip consultant or fashion blogger.”

  2. David Fleming says:

    @ Kyle

    That was one of the most insightful comments anybody has ever posted!

    “To all those 20 -somethings who aren’t spoiled, realize that you have a fairly easy opportunity to exel beyond your cohorts. With a little planning, determination and work ethic you will indeed leave your cohorts in the dust, while they continue to be spoon-fed and chase dreams of becoming a celebrity gossip consultant or fashion blogger.”

    So true.

    I wish there was a way to beam this into the brains of all the teens in the world…

  3. Geoff says:

    Man I’m so tired of the bash the young approach. I would be teenagers today are just as self absorbed as they ever used to be (Rebel without a cause, anyone?). I’m a parent and if you aren’t happy with your kids behavior, start with the mirror and work backwards. Most young kids today I know are pretty good when you get right down to it.

    @ Anon – Miss Pratt? Markham High 1994? That you again?

  4. Marz says:

    No worries, I could tell it wasn’t serious. I too laughed 🙂

  5. Kyle says:

    This was hilarious! How did the pendulum ever swing so far the wrong way? The problem isn’t the kids, they’re just the symtpom. The problem of course is the parents, who so want to be their kids’ best friend (to the point of buying them off) that they lose sight of all the other important stuff – like instilling a sense of value, work ethic, discipline, respect and right vs wrong. One day both these parents and their kids will be in for a rude awakening.

    To all those 20 -somethings who aren’t spoiled, realize that you have a fairly easy opportunity to exel beyond your cohorts. With a little planning, determination and work ethic you will indeed leave your cohorts in the dust, while they continue to be spoon-fed and chase dreams of becoming a celebrity gossip consultant or fashion blogger.

  6. Jeff says:

    Hey! You! Get off my lawn!!!!

  7. Daniel says:

    I totally agree.
    Kids today, kids today…what can ya say?

  8. Jeff says:

    …and I’m sure the teachers who taught you felt very similarly. 😉

  9. Jules says:

    OMGWTFBBQ!!!! !! !!! !

    Not ALL teenage girls are entitled brats.
    But this was funny.

  10. Anon says:

    Hi Dave, long-time reader, first-time caller.
    I’m a high school teacher, I won’t say where but consider it midtown, and I must say that you have managed to almost completely capture today’s teen’s sense of entitlement and invincibility. I say “almost” because sadly, there is much more to the story. You have no idea what we (teachers and parents) go through on a daily basis trying to convey to kids that the world was there before them, and will be there after them. We have zero recourse as teachers to punish or reprimand students, and their sense of entitlement renders our meagre options useless anyways.
    I’m not sure if these attitudes continue into their condo-buying years, but your story was a fantastic read nonetheless! It certainly got me onto your message forum.

  11. moonbeam! says:

    Once again I almost spilled my morning coffee reading this!! too funny! You just need to read facebook walls and twitter tweets, walk the halls of a high school, and visit a shopping mall to see for yourself!

  12. West Sider says:


    Ya know….


  13. Roger Dodger says:

    Nailed it!!! Couldn’t have written it better myself, not that I write nonetheless. Expect some fallback from your clientele. The young rich girls anyways!!

  14. David Fleming says:

    @ Marz

    Yeah, you’re not really in the category I was going for.

    Keep in mind – I’m only 30 and I still think of myself as a kid.

    But my exposure to late-teens through coaching baseball, and 19 and 20 year-old rich kids whose parents are buying them condos, has led me to believe that the preceeding rant was highly accurate.

    Don’t take it personally – this wasn’t really supposed to be taken seriously! 🙂

  15. Marz says:

    As a 23 year old “young adult”, I can tell you that this reads much more like an out of touch 18 year old rich girl. Some of us can actually speak the English language and contribute more to society than buying coffee at starbucks.

    Anyway, I assume you were trying to sell a condo to a “young adult with daddies money”… good luck with that, ’cause they have no idea what they want 😛

  16. calico cate says:

    A great read – as good as you are in real estate, my opinion, writing is your true calling.

  17. Matt says:

    … … …