NOTE: I’m not being serious.
The following is written from the perspective of today’s 20-year-old moron.
I think that today’s teenagers and young adults are likely the stupidest generation since mankind first inhabited the earth. And notice that I said “mankind,” because if I included all mammals, I think there are a few species of dinosaurs that would have beaten out today’s kids…
Ewww Ewww Ewww!
I just had, like, the worst afternoon e-v-e-r!
My mom like dragged me to see this awful rental apartment which I would totally never live in, unless I was dead! LOL.
It was in the total ghetto – like King Street or Queen or something. And my mom knows that I wanna live downtown where all my friends live anyways. Duh, like, thanks mom!
And I’m pretty sure if my parents ever listened to me, they’d know that I want a condo like Ryder’s parents bought for her last year!
Anyways, I like ran out of that place and then we got some like awful Timothy’s coffee because there was no Starbucks around, and then we went to see some condo sales place.
It was like this ‘sort-of’ condo that is still being built, but is gonna be ready soon. It’s down in CityPlace where like Sebastian and Paul and those guys live, not that I’d want to live in the same place as them since they’re so out of touch they think Chris Brown is still cool! LMAO!
So the sales-guy, who was totally hot BTW – like Robert Pattinson but with better teeth, starts telling us how after these condos are built, there won’t be any more because there’s no more land or something. Total sales job on my mom, who was like eating it up! OMG LOL!!
So I point out the land on the other side of the street and ask why they don’t build on that. Duh! Really.
He says it’s “Fort York,” which clearly it’s not because Victor and Charlotte live at 219 Fort York and I’ve partied there like a thousand times, and puked about nine-hundred, and Alyssa was dating some drummer guy that lived at 231 Fort York and she threw his snare out the window when he dumped her! ROFL!
So then the sales-guy, he like says that he’s talking about some old fort on the other side of the condo, and they can’t tear it down because it’s too old, which makes no sense.
It’s like some stupid old war houses or something, IDK…
I asked if there’s anybody even living in those ugly little houses and he said there isn’t, so like why are they even there? LOL!
Why can’t they build new condos where those old houses are?
Seriously, old = gross.
Like, old food = gross.
And old people = super-gross.
Or like old books = gross and who reads books anyways? Helloooo? Like have you heard of a computer? LMFAO!
Oh – and old cars are totally gross!
Like last week, my dad tells me that he finally bought me a car. I’ve been bugging him for like the whole summer, and he knows I need a car because the buses and subways are so disgusting and full of dirty people who smell.
So I’m thinking, like, Acura or something, and he emails me this awful photo of this disgusting car from the stone age! A 2003 Toyota Camry, helloo? OMG. Seriously, I wanted to die. LOL!
It like belonged to his friend’s nanny or something, and now he thinks that I should drive it? I swear he doesn’t love me. I was like thirteen when that car came out. There’s like room for one C.D. and I can’t even plug in my I-Pod. His friend should just like give it to some other nanny. Seriously dad, like GTFO!
So I totally started to cry, and my dad was bugging out like, “Bunny Rabbit, what do you expect?”
So I sent him a photo of the new 2011 Infiniti G37 coupe that Taylor’s dad bought her, and I said, “Um, something actually driveable, like that!”
He calls me on the phone, because he’s like the slowest typer ever and he can’t even use email, and he says that I have to make a choice between the condo and the car, which I find to be so hypocritical because I know him and my mom have so much money.
Like, they just spent $40,000 renovating their stupid kitchen! He could have given me that money, and I could live off it for like a half a year! I swear, they don’t love me.
So when I got home, he told me again like I have to choose between a car and the condo, and I asked him, “Where do you want me to live for school next year?” So he puts out his arms and looks around like to say I should live at home for another year. AYH?
That’s just not happening.
Last year was like the worst year of my life, I swear. LOL. Having my parents home while I’m actually trying to enjoy university life made it impossible. I had a bunch of people over one night when my parents were out, and we were like dancing up a storm outside to Taio Cruz and Flo Rida. Then my mom comes home and starts crying because somebody like stepped on her stupid plants in the garden. Honestly, who cares!?! WTF? They’re just stupid plants! FML! Get a life, mom!
Yeah, there’s no way I’m going through that for another year.
Oka, so like my dad starts asking like how much money I have to contribute, as if he doesn’t have enough money of his own, he needs mine! So I told him that clearly he knows nothing about me or my life, because if he paid attention, he’d remember that I’m always asking him and mom for money, so clearly I don’t have any of my own! Duh!
Seriously, he should know – money doesn’t grow on trees! And does he think that stuff is free? Like does he think that going to sixteen TIFF parties in nine days doesn’t cost me anything? I swear, he knows nothing about my life. FFS!
So I told my dad, like fine, whatever, and I said, “Okay so I’ll just go live in a cardboard box somewhere and I’ll let drug addicts have their way with me!”
My mom just sits there the whole time. She agrees with everything he says, it’s so unfair.
And she tells me that I’m not ready to live on my own because I don’t know how to cook and clean and stuff. And I’m like, “Helloooo?” That’s exactly why I want to live on my own – like there’s no shortage of cool restaurants downtown! I could go out for dinner every night!
I just know they’re not gonna buy me a car.
Or I’ll probably end up with some like crappy VW or something, which I’ll be so embarassed to drive.
Okay so back to this afternoon – my mom is telling me we can afford to buy this condo that is being built, but not ready for another six months, and the thought of having to live with the ‘rents until after new year’s makes me want to cry worse than when I found out Bryce was cheating on me with that stupid girl with the fake Louis Vuitton purse. FFS!
And the whole time I’m thinking there are like a million condos I can see as we’re standing in this stupid sales centre, like the ones down the street on Fort York!
And again, the cute but boring sales-guy starts going on about the history of that stupid old fort from like world war two or something. I swear, my grandpa would love this guy and his lame stories.
Like world war two was so long ago, who even cares anymore? Why are we still talking about it? And if that fort is seriously that old, just get rid of it already and put up some new buildings with like awesome rooftop patios with pools that people can party on and see the lake! LOL!
And what was the point of that supid war anyways? They could have just like not had that war, and like one billion people who died in Russia would have been able to live happy lives instead of getting killed for no reason.
The world would be such a better place if that like never happened. But then my grandpa wouldn’t have all his boring stories and his dusty old letters – oh and that would have driven me insane not being able to text people back home.
Old people have the lamest outlook on life. It’s like all they can do is look backwards, and they don’t understand us. Like we’re the ones who are going to rule the world someday so they should be listening to us and learning from us. LOL OMG!!!
Anyways, so then my mom starts telling me that maybe we’ll just rent a place for me next year, and I started to think clearly there is no God.
Except, there probably is a God, and it’s a woman, and she totally looks like Madonna from the Material Girl era except she wears all D&G and Fendi…
In the space of a few hours, my mom’s ideas went from renting (bad), to buying a condo that is almost built (okay, I guess), and back to renting (worse than the first time). She’s about to turn 50 so I guess her brain is melting or something because it’s almost like she forgot that this morning we went to see an awful place for rent and I ran out of there! Like, helloooo, NOT interested, mom! FML…
Whatever. Once I get out of the house, I won’t have to deal with her.
So I ended up calling my friend Madison and asking if I could come by her place with my mom to show her what a real condo looks like.
Madison is my BFF. She has the life I want.
Maddi’s parent’s know how to truly live life! They just bought a sick house down in Barbados, and they fly there every other weekend, which is awesome because it means we can go party at their place in Collingwood without them being there. And they always leave Maddi an allowance for the weekend, like a few hundred dollars for gas, booze, food, and the necessities, which my parents never do.
So Maddi lives at 60 Bathurst Street in a penthouse that her dad bought for her a few years ago. She has this amazing rug in her bedroom that she got last summer on Rodeo Drive when she was in Los Angeles for a few weeks. Life is so unfair. I was stuck here working at that stupid hot and smelly golf course making only like $250 a day…
My mom seemed to like the place, but in the car on the way home she started freaking out at me like, “You think I’m gonna buy you a million-dollar condo at 20-years-old?” She called me “spoiled” which I don’t think is fair, considering how much money my dad gives her.
And I told her that the condo was only like $600,000 so she should seriously do some homework or just stop exaggerating to prove a point. OMG.
She started every sentance with “When I was your age,” as if somehow I care what went on in the 70’s or whatever. Like how dumb were people back then anyways? They didn’t even invent the Internet or cell phones yet so it’s not like they have a leg to stand on in today’s world, IMHO.
We didn’t talk for like the whole rest of the ride home.
Anyways, that’s when we got home and my dad started in with his whole “What are you going to contribute” BS.
Why have kids if you aren’t going to support them? I should totally like call some hotline for bad parents and report them or something! LMFAO!
So it looks like this little princess will have no car and no condo for the next little while, but thankfully I have friends with cool parents who support them and I can always get a ride from Jules or Ashleigh cuz they’re in like all my classes and they drive to school every day. It’s just the whole living at home thing I’m still worried about, but I’ll get through it, I always do! 🙂
Oh crap! I totally forgot Jersey Shore is on right now and I forgot to PVR it!
I swear, my life can’t possibly get any worse…