Signs That An Investment Banker Lives Here

When I set foot in a downtown Toronto condo, I know in about twenty seconds if an investment banker lives there.  Lately I’ve been finding that my clients know too!

Are the signs that obvious?

The investment banker is a very curious individual.

Unless you happen to be an investment banker, and then this whole post is moot.

When I think “investment banker,” I put them into two categories: young and older.  Not young and “old,” because there are no old investment bankers.  From what I understand, hitting 30 in I-banking is ancient.

The young bankers remind me of the guys in Boiler Room who run afoul of a classy hotel and simply can’t control themselves.

The older bankers are in their late 20’s, and have refined the act a little bit, but still subscribe to the same mantra.

It’s very, very easy to tell when an investment banker lives in a property I’m standing in.

The investment banker has a leather bench in the front hallway where he sits every morning to put on his wing-tipped shoe.

The investment banker has a very long shoe-horn with an jeweled-handle that he keeps on a hook just inside the front closet.

The investment banker has a robot vacuum that he bought partly as a novelty, and partly out of a false sense of necessity.  The investment banker is highly intelligent, but still thought, for some strange reason, that a robot vacuum would work.  The investment banker usually comes home at 1:30AM to find Mr. Roboto in the corner of the den, banging against the corner of the room – the same place he’s been for eight hours.  That’s okay though – the investment banker knows that people will be impressed by the robot vacuum.

The investment banker has a tri-fold mirror on the wall leading to the foyer – the kind you find at Harry Rosen where you can see every angle of yourself and your clothing.  The investment banker doesn’t leave in the morning without checking in the mirror to see if the back of his shoes are scuffed.  God forbid a homeless person laying on the sidewalk sees the small knick in the sole.

The investment banker has a top-of-the-line washer-dryer – likely LG – even though he gets everything drycleaned.

The investment banker has nothing in his hamper except socks, underwear, and plain white t-shirts.

The investment banker has three kinds of Tide, including “cold water wash,” even though he never does laundry.  The investment banker likes the smell of “clean.”

The investment banker has a dressing “area.”

The investment banker ripped out all the closets in his bedroom and put in custom oak shelving.

The investment banker’s custom oak shelving has halogen lighting.

The investment banker does not own a single wire hanger.

The investment banker smells each cedar hanger individually to ensure that they smell like “success.”

The investment banker even has shoe trees for his slippers.  You never know – they might lose their shape.

The investment banker has nineteen suits, forty-eight dress shirts, twenty-three pairs of dress shoes, and one Denver Broncos “Easy” Ed McCaffrey jersey that is out-dated by ten years.

The investment banker has a drawer with individual indentations for each cuff-link.

The investment banker has another drawer strictly for pocket-squares.

The investment banker read an article on how to property fold a pocket-square.

The investment banker does not own a watch; the investment banker owns a time-piece.

The investment banker has three different kinds of leather winter gloves: casual, dressy, and miscellaneous.

The investment banker has a squeegee for his glass shower.

The investment banker has a dispenser in his shower for soap, shampoo, and body wash.

The investment banker uses Edge Pro Glide, but he only uses each blade a few times.

The investment banker has a a very expensive, very timeless, very classy medicine cabinet where he keeps his silver scissors and nail trimmer.

The investment banker has eight kinds of cologne; every one purchased in Europe on various business trips.

The investment banker has a dehumidifier in his bedroom.

The investment banker may or may not have a television in his bedroom.  This is the only place, anywhere, ever, that the investment banker can be differentiated from his investment banker friends.

The investment banker has a mat on the floor to do five minutes of push-ups and five minutes of sit-ups each morning.

The investment banker has a glass alarm-clock that is set to 5:30AM.

The investment banker has a very chic lamb-skin rug on his living room floor.

The investment banker has a large sectional couch with a chaise on the end, and the chaise is well worn.

The investment banker owns at least one Barcelona chair.

The investment banker has a 65-inch television that is constantly replaced with a newer version.

The investment banker owns Casablanca and Gone With The Wind.

The investment banker also owns Con Air, The Rock, Face/Off, and various other Nicholas Cage movies that can be turned on at any point of the film and still enjoyed.

The investment banker doesn’t own Wall Street if he has been in the business for longer than 18 months.

The investment banker does not drink tap water, but who does in 2011?  Brita was so 2007!

The investment banker stocks San Pellegrino, but even if the investment banker doesn’t like carbonated water – he keeps the San Pellegrino well stocked and well visible.  The investment banker loves the sexy green bottles and blue labels.  The investment banker who doesn’t like carbonated water drinks Voss.

The investment banker has a chopping block with something even BETTER than Henkel; something you and I have never even heard of!  The investment banker’s knives were made by God himself out of moon-steel, and passed down to a very small knife dealer in rural Switzerland.

The investment banker has several types of high-end tequila, even though it tastes awful.  The investment banker loves the square shape of the bottles, and the medieval font that the brand name is written in.

The investment banker has nothing in his fridge except mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, another kind of mustard, a better kind of ketchup, and some smoked salmon.

The investment banker’s freezer is filled with ice, vodka, and a type of ice that is made from pure glaciers.

The investment banker has excellent cookware.

The investment banker displays several cook books by world-renowned chefs.

The investment banker does not know how to cook.

The investment banker’s oven, if turned on, would burn the user manuals left inside.

The investment banker does not own a plant.  Despite what you may have heard, the investment banker does not own one, single, lonely, dying plant in the corner of the room.  He might have in university…

The investment banker lives here.

The investment banker sleeps here.

But the investment banker is rarely here.

The investment banker’s condo is for sale.

Appointments can be made through the listing brokerage.

Act quickly, this one won’t last.

16 Comments

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  1. It’s seems to be getting harder and harder to find good reading material online. Your article has renewed my faith in today’s writers. Thank you.

  2. xxx says:

    loved the “easy ed jersey” part.

  3. Camila says:

    Haha! David this was awesome!

    This needs to become a running piece,
    with you doing someone new every other month.

    Some research combined with personal stories would be brilliant.
    I’ve sent this article to 5 people who work in the industry and you are so on. All of them are that or working very hard to get there!

    Think about people’s careers, stages in life, types of families, cultures respectfully, social levels, people who have very similar yet odd characteristics. This could be brilliant and its so catchy!

    Am going to agree with Ian. Try lawyers, especially because you lived with one 🙂 …

  4. Patrick P. says:

    This is hilarious, although very exaggerated and seems to be in fact a blend of characteristics of ‘new’ and ‘older’ bankers (and yes there are lots of ibankers in their 40’s, if that is even “old”).

    What you seem to be describing is actually more like a 33 year old SINGLE (possibly divorced) senior ibanker (maybe a director, or possibly MD if he has REALLY sacrificed his life for the firm). He’s spent most of his wealth buying lots of useless stuff (as well as the condo) but has no one to share it with (a tear…?).

    The 23-27 year old banker has 2-3 mediocre suits, lots of Mr. Noodles in the cupboard (although not much else), no furniture (or potentially an ugly black leather couch from Leon’s with no girlfriend to properly advise him), and a TV that isn’t “yet” hooked up. He often has more liquidity than the older banker, since he lived at home from 21-23 to save up while “putting in his time”, and hasn’t yet learned the art of overleveraging and “picking up the bill” to show off to his friends. He is rarely at his condo at all – he’s either at the office or at a King West bar trying to look important.

    1. Thecondofitz says:

      Bang on description of most, if not all, investment bankers I’ve known. The early years might be sacrificed for a promise of golden pastures, but they are already there on the outside. It’s part of the game, for good and bad.

  5. Moonbeam! says:

    Wow! keen eye for detail! so we can conclude that this condo would be a great purchase because it is gently used…

  6. Ian says:

    Do me! Do me! You’ve already said you disliked lawyers. 🙂

    1. My Dad is a laywer…

  7. RPG says:

    Its posts like this that make me wonder why you sell real estate. You should really write a book or something. This is amazing stuff.

  8. Craig says:

    Ooo..now do Realtors! 😉

  9. Daniel says:

    Easily the post of the year! This could be in the top five all time!

  10. Richard Eng says:

    I like my iRobot Roomba. I use it regularly to keep my condo clean. It’s very convenient. I call my Roomba “Alfred”.

    The Dark Knight

  11. TS83 says:

    Well played, sir. This is some funny stuff.

  12. CD says:

    The investment banker is a self absorbed jerk.

  13. Graham says:

    Hahaha. That was great. Every investment banker I know also owns American Psycho (the book and movie). The really creepy ones have the Les Miserables poster in their washroom, just like Patrick Bateman.

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