Okay, so this has a very loose association with real estate.

But I’ve been having these cynical and comedic thoughts about elevators for the past couple years, and I really feel the urge to share them.

Don’t pretend that you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about…

It’s one of those things that we take for granted—riding in an elevator.

It’s pretty simple, and we’ve been doing it all our lives.  You press the button, the doors open, you press another button, the doors close.  You ride up or down, and you get off.  It sure beats the stairs!

But what about when you’re not alone?

Your mother always told you, “Don’t talk to strangers,” so do you make conversation with the people in the elevator?

What if there is only ONE person in the elevator with you?  This is where things get really tricky!  What do you do?

Well, most people just pretend that other person isn’t there.  It’s like the elephant in the room that nobody talks about.

But you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t!  If you make conversation, you’re “that guy” that talks for sake of talking and says needless things like “I hope it’s warm out today,” and if you say nothing, you’re rude and uninteresting!

Call me a Jerry Seinfeld clone, but I love to analyze the subtle intricacies in life, and I find the human behaviour involved in riding in elevators absolutely fascinating!

The fact of the matter is, most people don’t talk in elevators.  When it’s just you and another person, you don’t speak.  This person shares your address, and might even live down the hall from you, but you don’t speak when you get onto the elevator.  You might go as far to not even acknowledge his or her presence!

Let’s assume for a moment that you do acknowledge this person.  There are three main ways people do this:

1) The Nod.  There is no verbal communication here, but you nod your head from an up-to-down motion in quarter of a second while partially making eye contact.  You also furrow your lips a bit to complete the motion.  This says to the person, “I acknowledge you are here, but that’s about it.”

2) The Sheepish Smile.  This may or may not come with a nod, but this is the kind of smile that you would ordinarily use on the street when a kind old lady passes you as she is out for a Sunday walk.  The smile is not authentic, but one that is forced and takes very little effort or facial movement.  In an elevator, it says, “Hi, I don’t wish you any harm, but I don’t care enough to wish you anything pleasant either.”

3) “H’ya Doin?”  Used very infrequently, this rhetorical question is more of a statement than a query.  You don’t actually care how that person is, and you don’t expect a response other than “good” or “hi,” the latter of which makes no sense because it doesn’t actually answer your question, but nobody cares because it’s all just a formality anyways!  You don’t care how this person actually is, as evidenced by making four words (how-are-you-doing) and five syllables into ONE singles syllable, pronounced “hyadoon.”

As I said before, you probably don’t talk to people in elevators, and you may or may not acknowledge them.  So what do you actually DO in the elevator while riding up together?  This stranger and you are confined in close, intimate quarters.  Show me another instance when you and a stranger are essentially locked inside a 6×6 room together with no permanent egress!

How do you pass the time?

We’ve already established that you aren’t talking about your inner-most thoughts and dreams with this person, and at the end of a long day, or the tired start to one, you really don’t even want to make eye contact.

Again, there are three main things we do:

1) The Floor Show.  “Now playing at theatres everywhere, it’s the floor show!  Starring……your elevator floor!”  Do you really think that person isn’t going to notice you are staring at the floor for no good reason?  You pretend like you’re really spaced out, or tired, and perhaps while staring into oblivion, you throw in a yawn just for effect.  This person is probably using one of the other techniques to follow, as you can’t both be using the same avoidance technique.

2) Watching the Numbers Change.  The opposite of the floor show is the most unsophisticated form of entertainment there is: watching one turn to two, two turn to three, and so on.  You stand there watching the little screen count the floors as if you have to manually stop the elevator when it gets to your floor; like you really really need to be supervising this count.  It’s very important that you watch the screen, and not make any acknowledgement of this person standing eighteen inches from you.

3) Cell Phone.  This is by far the most utilized technique, and Blackberries have made it even easier.  How can you possibly argue with this one?  You get on the elevator, and there is a stranger standing next to you.  Rather than stand in an awkward silence, you scroll through your phone (or pretend to) like you have a purpose in doing so, or start checking your messages, texting a friend, etc.  This technique is absolutely fail-proof, and ensures you are far too busy to talk, make eye contact, or even acknowledge the other person’s presence.

What I find really amusing is that people go to great lengths to avoid interacting in elevators, and use these time-tested techniques, yet when the doors open, they saunter out really slow as if to say, “Oh, is this my floor?  Right, okay.  I’m not in any hurry to get off, and I did NOT find that elevator ride awkward at all, in fact, I could do that all day.”

Since I seem to be doing everything in three’s, here is a third list of three.  This list is three instances that really bother me in elevators:

1) Pushing the Button For Somebody.  It doesn’t take a ton of extra effort, yet it’s viewed as such a gracious gesture.  But there are times when people are actually ungrateful for your generous actions.  Look, if somebody comes on to the elevator with groceries or boxes, you ask them what floor they want.  But I can’t stand that old lady that comes on board with nothing in her hands and says, “Five.”  Maybe she says, “Five, please,” but she doesn’t stress the “please,” she stresses the “five” as if the “please” is merely an afterthought.  It’s like you are actually an elevator attendant but today you left your hat and blazer at home.  She could easily press the button herself, but she is old, and has an uncanny sense of entitlement.

2) Second Floor.  I’m very guilty of this, and I get defensive about it.  At the end of a long day, nobody likes it when ten people crowd into the elevator in a 40-storey building and somebody presses the button for the second floor.  “Take the goddam stairs,” everybody collectively thinks.  But in my building, the stairs are actually accessed through the parking garage, which is on the other side of the building!  And, the stairs exit the second floor on the opposite side of the hall about as far as you can possibly get from my unit!  But in other buildings, these second floor people are just LAZY!

3) Top To Bottom.  Imagine you live on the 38th floor.  You press the “down” button, and you get on the elevator alone.  What are the odds that you go from the 38th floor to the ground level without stopping?  How about ZERO!  It’s like a cruel game that you repeat every day!  The elevator stops on the 32nd floor, and people get on.  Then you think you’re flying right along and you get all the way down to the 17th floor, and the doors open again.  Then, the elevator stops on floors 15, 12, 11, 9, and 6.  The elevator is now jam-packed, and you think about how this is actually your elevator, since you were here FIRST!  Then to top it all off, the elevator stops on the 2nd floor, and that jerk gets on who didn’t take the stairs.  It took you almost five full minutes to get from your floor to the ground floor.  The worst part is: you do this every single morning!

Well, there you have it!  My thoughts on elevators…

If only my ability to analyze mundane aspects of life and all-purpose minutiae could be put to good use.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually write about real estate.

Wait…..condominiums have elevators, right?