Oh, this should be a fun one…

I can’t stand marketing these days.  Everywhere I look, creative marketers are trying to take advantage of me and my wallet.

The following is a diatribe on the top-three products and services for which I can’t stand to watch advertising…

Had I not gone into real estate, I surely would have used my evil, wit, and cunning to force people to buy products and services that they don’t need.

I took a course on sales and marketing during my fourth year of business school, and one of our assignments was to come up with an “innovative marketing strategy” geared at selling an individual product or service.

I elected to go off the page a little bit, and I came up with the following:

IF YOU BUY OUR PRODUCT, HOT WOMEN WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU

Half of the class was laughing, half of the class was disgusted, and I’m pretty sure they all thought I was an idiot.  But my professor was eagerly listening, and that’s all that mattered.

My basic premise was that there is so much marketing with sexual undertones and implications – so why don’t marketers just skip all the preamble and innuendo and move right the the point: sex with hot women?

I then presented my idea, which I swear is the unfortunate truth…

I came up with the idea for a body-spray for teenagers and young men which used sex with hot women as the entire marketing campaign.  I surmised if you simply showed a bunch of hot women in the commercial for the product, young boys would identify with it and subsequently purchase it.

A year later, Axe Deodorant Body Spray hit the market and all their ads involved teenagers getting swarmed by hot, loose women that wanted to steal their innocence.  Soon after, Tag Deodorant Body Spray made its debut, and a thriving new market was born for smelly, horny teenagers who were lured in by this aggressive and sexually explicit marketing.

I also once solved an entire side of the Rubix-cube, but that’s another story…

I absolutely hate marketing.

I hate it so much that I yell at the TV when I’m alone.

I hate that marketers think we’re all incredibly stupid, and I also hate that they’re absolutely correct.

Here are my top three products/services that I can’t stand the marketing for:

#3: Telecommunications

I always thought that “apps” was a short-form for “appetizers,” and I would use the word “apps” at a restaurant and then sheepishly look around to see if anybody would challenge me on my use of a lame term.  But it seems that “apps” are now applications on your I-Phone that you might expect to find on your computer instead.

Who really needs an app for German-to-Polish translation on their phone?  Why do I need to know the chance of precipitation in Serbia & Montenegro next Thursday?

I hate that these telecommunications companies are making us feel like fools if we don’t have these tools at our finger-tips.

You are not cool unless you have a cool phone.

You are wasting your life unless you know where all your friends are right NOW!

You know that Rogers commercial where two friends are out for lunch and they wonder where their third friend is?  Then they show a map on the handheld device which shows the location of their third friend moving along each street – and all of a sudden he magically pops up next to them in person!  WHY do we need to know where all our friends are at every moment?  And who are these kids that sit on patios drinking coffee all day without working?  I don’t want people to know where I am at all times.  What kind of life is this?

You know that snobby, bratty blond girl from the Rogers commercials?

Remember the commercial last year when she opens her Christmas present early and then shows her friends the phony reaction she’s going to use when her parents actually give her the gift?

Those kids in the Rogers commercials are so much cooler than all of us!  They’re hip, funky, good-looking, well-dressed, and they must be independently wealthy since they just drink coffee all day long and play on their cell phones.

Why do I want a Facebook application for my phone?  Do I really need constant updates?

“CHAD IS: Grrrroan….I’m super tired today.”

Really, Chad?  You’re tired?  I’m so glad I get every one of my friends’ status updates sent directly to my phone!  CHAD IS TIRED – TELL THE WORLD!

My new-new phone is newer than your new-new phone!

What?  You mean you don’t have the new Rogers Super-Duper Blazo-Matic R750?  You LOSER!

My phone comes in awesome colors!

My phone can talk to me!

My phone can cure cancer!

And the best part is, if you sign up now, because you know we can’t do this all day, you can get XX months/minutes/colors FREE!  Everything is FREE….unless you actually sign up and see how many ridiculous hidden fees there are.

#2: Car Commercials

What the hell is a “Crossover?”

When did this term get invented?

For years and years, you were only cool if you had an “S.U.V.”  I would love driving through Lawrence Park and seeing FOUR sport utility vehicles in the driveway of richie-rich’s house – one for himself, one for the wifey, and one for each of his spoiled teenage children.

SUV’s were the coolest thing in the world!

Until the world became concerned with unimportant issues like “the environment” and “pollution,” and all of a sudden it was frowned upon to have an SUV.

Soooo…..what the hell is a “Crossover?”

Isn’t this just a new name for the SUV?

Car buffs – tell me what the difference is.  I’m sure there is another cylinder or valve in the Crossover….er….in the SUV, but isn’t this a new name for essentially the same gas-guzzling car for soccer moms?

I hate car commercials.

I hate the commercials for old people, young people, rich people, and poor people.

I hate that Ford commercial where they show four really good-looking 2o-something’s “grooving” in their car as they listen to dance music and love their amazing, incredible lives.  They drive down the street, and eventually bubbles fill the air and their car, but the lip-gloss on the pretty girl with the hoop-earrings is so thick and with her really cool hat that 9/10 girls would look stupid wearing – she simply keeps on grooving.

Wow.  Groovy.

And much like every single product in the world, you can buy now with ZERO down, ZERO interest, ZERO anything, and ZERO payment at all…except for all the costs that are in the fine print at the bottom of the screen, which is shown for 2.3 seconds.

0%

That’s what people want to see – the number “0.”

People LOVE zero’s!  Show as many zero’s as you can, and people will assume that they are getting a great deal.

Then offer meaningless incentives like “cash back,” which makes no sense however you look at it.

Show me a car that is driving through a windy forest as you pan the camera down from 5,000 feet – and then zoom right in through the front window to the happy family.  If your family is not this happy, then you should buy this car.  Why are you not in this beautiful forest?  Look – the little girl in the commercial is gently petting a moose next to the Suzuki SX4 Sedan.  Even the moose likes the car!  It’s a no-brainer!

I’d rather ride a bike…

#1: Banks and Financial Advisors

They’re all going to screw you out of your money.

They aren’t philanthropists, and they aren’t non-profit companies.  They are some of the most well-run and worst-run companies on the planet and they are going to do whatever it takes to make money.

Start with the banks.

Bank of Montreal – “Making Money Make Sense”

Huh?  Does that make sense?  Peter Piper Picked a Pickled what?  Is it supposed to make sense?  Not money – I mean the slogan.  They used the same verb twice in the space of four words.  Licking already licked food.  Finding nice found treasure – that one I used past tense!  I rule!

ScotiaBank – “You’re Richer Than You Think”

I am?  Really?  You mean like if you were to return all the service charges I would be richer?  Oh, you mean if I invest with you I’ll be richer, even though you are a 23-year-old kid who used to work as a teller?  And before that you swept floors in the back?

CIBC – “For What Matters”

Okay this one is just a complete cop-out.  This is as meaningless and vague as you can get.  How about “For Important Stuff.”  That’s basically a rephrase of the same slogan, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it.

And what about “It’s Worth A Talk?”  I love that one!  CIBC is genius!  They make you think you’re a lazy bastard if you won’t even have a talk with them about the most important thing in the world – money.  You don’t even have to make it a full out talk – it could be a chat.

TD Candada Trust – “Making Banking Simple”

Awwwww, that is so sweet!  You’re gonna make it easier for me to take money out of an ATM?  How can that possibly be more moronically easy – maybe put an ATM in my house?  Do I still have to pay $1.75 to use it?  WHO in the world thinks there is anything complicated about banking other than standing in a line that doesn’t move?

I don’t know what Royal Bank’s slogan is, but I’m sure it’s just as dumb.

I hate how we always see images like this…

…and we’re supposed to relate to it.

Here is your stupid, clueless couple trying to figure out their finances.  But they can’t do it!  So call your “advisor” at Royal Bank and she’ll show you the ropes.  Oh wait….I think this couple is actually trying to figure out how to turn the computer on…

But it’s the commercials for financial services that irk me the most.

The worst, most ridiculous marketing campaign ever put forth was by Investors Group and it was called “The Plan.”

This was geared at the lowest of the low, and if you had absolutely no plan, you needed the plan.

They didn’t want anything flashy or complicated, just a simple plan for simple people, so they called it “The Plan.”  And in their advertisements, they barely describe what “the plan” actually is; they just explain that you need it, and make you feel dumb for not having it.

How about the ManuLife “One” plan?  This is even simpler than “The Plan,” since “One” is just one word…

They combine all of your liabilities into one “revolutionary” payment plan, which of course comes with no catch or cost to you, whatsoever.

Financial services and investment companies attempt to scare you into thinking you need their services.  When the markets are good, their advertisements are all about how many people around you are making tons and tons of money, and you aren’t!  When the markets are bad, they use fear tactics and images of what could be your children without food or clothing or university tuition.

Don’t even get me started on retirement planning…

Thankfully, there are no bad commercials on TV for Realtors…

Right?