If you’ve ever lived in a condominium, and you’ve driven in the underground parking garage, then you’ll know this cast of characters…

One of my favourite posts (can I say that about my own work???) was something I wrote back in 2008 called “Elevator Etiquette.”  It described the types of people and situations you encounter while riding the elevator in your condominium, and how you might react.

While driving in my underground parking garage last night, I was almost side-swiped by some yahoo in a black SUV who was willing to smash his car and/or kill somebody in a head-on collision, just to get to his parking spot 4 1/2 seconds sooner.

It got me thinking about the people we encounter while manoeuvering through the maze beneath our condos…

The nicest driver ever.  Do you know this person?  He or she is simply the nicest person we’ve ever (not) met, and we can only assume that this person spends his or her time clothing the homeless and handing out candy to children.

Drive within forty feet of this person, and they’ll back up the car to allow you to pass.  It doesn’ matter whose right of way it is – you’re going to be allowed by!

This nice person will move heaven and earth to ensure that you get by.  They’ll back into an empty space, reverse down the lane, or go back to where they started – all in the name of allowing you to pass.

Thanks!

The 15-year-old in a 45-year-old’s body.  Remember the first time you got in a car at 15 or 16 years old?  Remember how timid you were?

Well you probably outgrew that phase, as you learned to drive.  Some people, however, continue to drive like this for their whole lives.

You can identify this person as he or she will completely FREEZE when you drive within ten feet of them.  They don’t know what to do!  They won’t move up, back, left, or right.  They just sit there, and wait for you to do something.  You can drive by them, you can back up and motion for them to go forward, or you can smash right into their front bumper – they still won’t do anything.

If this person happens to be in the middle of the garage, you’ll have to coach them through the process of moving, while using a complicated series of hand signals.  “No – you go there, and I’ll go here.  Good, now….uh uh….right….keep going…”

There’s room for two cars, and you’ve been driving for 20 years!  How can you draw such a blank?

The old man.  Oh wow – beware of the old man!  He’s cranky, he’s entitled, and he’s getting by you!

Don’t confuse the old man with the 15-year-old in the 45-year old’s body.  That’s something entirely different, as that person is just a moron and has no clue how to drive.

The old man knows how to drive, and he understands both the rules of the road, as well as social rules of engagement, but he chooses to ignore them both.

The old man drives down the centre of the laneway, even though it’s wide enough for two cars.

The old man needs ten feet on each side of his car.

The old man figures he has put his time into this life, and he’s not going to let some young whipper-snapper get by him – even if there is room for two cars.

The only way to get past the old man – who is sitting in the centre of the parking garage, staring you down, is to back into a space, and let him pass.

Vin Diesel.  Have you seen “The Fast & The Furious?”

That movie, while not exactly an excellent “film,” gave us a lot of references to use over the next decade while driving our city streets.

I’m not a big car guy, but I understand the basics.

So WHY then must some Vin Diesel wannabe shine his neon green and purple lights in my face when he drives by me?

What’s the thought process?  “Okay, I’m driving 10 KM/H in my parking garage…..I think I need a dozen halogen lights for this!”

It’s like the goddam Bat-Signal in my face!

The last time I checked, a parking garage is LIT!  It’s not like we’re driving through the fog in rural Kansas here!  Why the need for all the illumination?

The Yahoo.  Wow, this guy is so bad-ass!  He’s such a thrill-seeker!  He’s so rad!

Look how he drives his car 50 KM/H through a parking garage!

Watch how rounds the corner at warp speed, with reckless abandon!

Check out how close he comes to side-swiping you as he zigs out of his zag from coming around the pillar!

What a dick.

Is that really necessary?  I can be a bit of an aggressive driver on the streets, but I’m like bride trying on a wedding dress she hasn’t purchased when it comes to manoeuvering through the labyrinth that is the parking garage.  Those mirrors help, but any time I see oncoming lights in the mirrors, I’m going to slow down, and proceed with caution.  The Yahoo doesn’t care.  Those lights may as well be hanging from the ceiling – he’s coming at you, full throttle!

The guy who steps over the line.  We’re not just stepping over the line here – we’re parking over it!

Do you share a large, between-the-pillars, double-space with a neighbour, and have a line down the middle?

Does your parking-space-partner constantly park over the line?  Not just on the line – but over it!

The lines are there for a reason, and make no mistake – they’re no drawn randomly!  They’re drawn so that cars can fit in the space, with room on each side, and no need to be on that line!

Of course, that doesn’t stop people from parking on it, every day, in every garage…

If you haven’t experienced this, somebody you know has.  And the discussions and arguments that fall out of these situations are priceless!  Have you ever left a note on your neighbour’s car asking “Please don’t park over the line”?  That never works.  And how do you approach them in person?  You barely know them!  And if you muster up the courage to say something, your voice goes into that high-pitch, “Ummm….hiii….sooo….ummm.”

Some of the biggest offenders of parking over the line are the people we described above!

The old man parks on the line because he’s god damn entitled!

The 15-year-old in the 45-year-old’s body parks on the line because he or she is so afraid of coming within 4-feet of the walls!

And Vin Deisel does so because he’s worried that the flux-capacitor dual-exhaust nitrogen-enfused thingamajiggy might get ruined.

The guy who polishes his car.  Again – I’m not a car buff, but I think there are some men out there that would actually have sex with their car, if it was somehow possible.

That might actually be a good product for Shark Tank or Dragon’s Den!

Wait…..I think I’ve seen this before.  Oh yeah – it was an old Saturday Night Live sketch with Chris Parnell.  Check it out HERE.  Safe for work.

So when you see that guy in your underground garage polishing his car EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY, don’t you kind of figure he’d be cut out for the product shown in the video above?

Doesn’t he have anything else to do?

You’d have to imagine his condo is a mess, his bathroom is dirty, and his laundry is piling up – but DAMN his car is shiny!

The “handicapped” driver.  This person is “handicapped” because he or she can’t read, and clearly can’t see the damn handicapped sign!

Parking in a handicapped spot has to be one of the worst offences on the road, no?

Every underground parking garage has one or two handicapped spots (often two spots put together as one – no jokes about handicapped people not being very good parkers, please…), and on a busy Friday or Saturday night, when Vin Diesel is having his buddies over to smash beer cans on their foreheads, or when the 18-year-old on the 9th floor has been left alone by her rich parents – somebody’s friend is going to park in that spot!

Contrary to popular belief, it is socially permissible to scratch somebody’s car when they park in a handicapped spot without a handicapped sticker.  If the car is from the 1980’s, and has an old licence plate like ZPL 095, you might want to shy away, as this is clearly an old person who may have forgot or misplaced his or her handicapped sticker.

But if the car is a 2012 BMW 3-series with tinted windows, halogen lights, two exhaust pipes (why do cars have those?  More RAM?), and smells like burnt-rubber, you’re totally allowed to spit on the hood, and paper the windshield with all of your junkmail.  You’re not just permitted – you’re encouraged!

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Feel free to add to the list above if there’s anybody I missed!

Have a great weekend, everybody!