P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

I can’t help but think this every time I see shoddy marketing or advertising, be it in print, television, or in my own backyard: real estate.

Here are my top-five most hated marketing techniques in MLS listings…

#5: “This won’t last.”

If somebody tells me something “will NOT last,” I usually just assume that it will.

Whatever product, service, or offer this is, I’m convinced that if it were so great, the proprietor wouldn’t need to tell people how it “won’t last.”  It would just sell naturally, on it’s own.

I went to see a unit at 70 Mill Street on Saturday with my client, Mike.  In the elevator on the way up, he read aloud from the MLS print-out, “This unit will not last,” and kind of looked up at me for approval.  I noticed that the unit had been on the market for THIRTY-NINE DAYS!  That’s an eternity in real estate!  I think the listing agent should remove “This will not last” for fear of embarrassment!  You said it wouldn’t last….and it did!  What do you know about real estate?  The funny part is, we spent 9.84 seconds in the unit, after we saw the mess the dog had made all over the carpet.  Yeah….this unit won’t last…

#4: Use of well-placed adjectives.

Picture a television ad for a blockbuster movie.  “Time Magazine ravesthat King Kong is ‘the best movie of the year.'”  The use of the word “rave” works in that sentence.  But what if the only quote Time Magazine gave you was “good.”?  Could you say, “‘Good,’ raves Time Magazine!”?  How about saying, “‘Completely average‘ screams Joel Siegel with delight in his voice and a satisfied twinkle in his eye.”  I don’t think you’re fooling anybody…

I’ve seen a lot of this on MLS listings, for example, “This unit boasts eight-foot ceilings.”  How do you boast eight-foot ceilings?  Isn’t this the smallest ceiling height you can get?  I mean, a unit can boast 14-foot ceilings in an authentic hard-loft conversion, but eight-foot isn’t much to rave about. 

The word “trendy” is far too overused on MLS.  Where do you have to live for the area to not be considered trendy these days—Kingston Penitentiary?  “Hip” and “Vibrant” are used just as often as “trendy.”  I guess it’s just hip to be trendy and vibrant these days.  Or perhaps it’s trendy to be hip and vibrant…

#3: Stock Photos

I often complain about the MLS listings that don’t have any accompanying photos, but what’s equally as bad is when the listing agent downloads stock photos from previous MLS listings and puts them on his/her listing.  The same stuff, over and over: exterior of the building, lobby, exercise room, rooftop terrace, south-view, etc.

Remember in first year university when ONE person did the assignment, and the other 238 people in the program just copied that assignment from somebody else?  Sooooo many agents on MLS just download the same stock photos of building amenities!

How can you sell a condo with no photos of the actual unit?!?!

One of two things, or both are true:
1) The unit is so terribly ugly that there is nothing to photograph.
2) The agent is lazy, and/or has never set foot inside the unit.

#2: The term “Condo Alternative.”

I don’t understand.

Isn’t anything that isn’t a condo, a “condo alternative?”

Why do people refer to small houses as “condo alternatives?”  Are they somehow insinuating that because condos are small, that this small house is a close alternative to a condo?

It couldn’t be further from the truth!  Condominium living and home ownership are polar opposites!  There is no snow to shovel, sidewalks to salt, leaves to rake, or Halloween candy to hand out at your condo!  There are no maintenance fees, elevators, or concierges at your house!  When you buy your house, you aren’t buying into a corporation with 385 different partners!

Hopefully this is just another moronic catch-phrase that will eventually fade away….kind of like the saying, “It’s all good” from 2002…

#1: Overselling

Here is an excerpt from a listing on Rhyl Avenue: “Sit in your sexy hot tub and enjoy a nice sauvignon blanc and watch the stars this summer!”

While my sarcastic side says that descriptions such as this one are intending to lure those buyers with absolutely zero imagination and/or social life, my professional side believes that this is a waste of the pre-allotted characters on MLS, and this space could be used to describe the property itself! 

Tell me about the upgrades, the square footage, the features, the finishes, etc.  Don’t tell me what to do in my own house!

Are you buying the land and the house situated on the property?  Or are you buying a fantasy image of you doing happy things in your happy place?

“Who’s coming and going in the hood? Watch from your covered porch and have your friend over for a coffee and a chat!”

Seriously?  Did somebody seriously write this on the MLS description?

Sadly, yes, they did…