Best or worst, depending on whether you take pleasure in the shortcomings of others…
This is hilarious, and I think it deserves a full blog post!
Collecting bad MLS listings is a hobby of mine, and it seems I’m not alone.
A couple agents in my office actually print them out and save them! They keep them like trading cards!
It becomes almost like a contest: “That’s great, it really is, but I have a listing that can top ALL of yours!” At which, point, you proceed to pull out that laughable listing from 2009 that you’ve been saving for just this very moment!
There are an infinite number of ways to spoil an MLS listing, and the “best” bad listings don’t screw up in only one or two ways.
Spelling mistakes? Meh. Those could be typos.
Overselling? Crap like, “Sit On Your Porch And Watch The World Go By” is a waste of space to me, but I guess some people get sold by this.
Stretching Boundaries? I suppose calling Greenwood & Gerrard “Prime Leslieville” is okay with some people.
Lies? Lots of MLS listings have lies; what else is new?
Poor English? Forgive my snobbery for suggesting that a Realtor can good speak good English well and good, but some people defend this one…
Meow Meow? We all remember that MLS listing! I don’t even know how to categorize that!
But I think the “Meow Meow’s” of the world are what make for the most entertaining MLS listings! The “worst,” if you will. Or “best” if you happen to find these fun.
The best MLS listings are those that are utterly bizarre, and make sense only in the minds of the people who wrote them.
For those of you that missed it, I give you the infamous, “Meow, Meow”:
Ah, yes! Meow, Meow!
This MLS caption was written by a cat…
But I have to say that as great as this one is, and as great as all the “Worst MLS Listings” that came before have been, I think I’ve got a new favorite.
This one deserves a very slow, careful read, and don’t be afraid to pause and soak in the insanity:
There you have it!
No, there wasn’t a signature, such as “Meow Meow,” or “Ai Carumba” like those before.
But this one has so many gems!
First and foremost, what the hell is a luxury wellness house? What is that? Is that a thing? Does that exist? Is it a term I’m not familiar with?
Are they selling a hospital?
A long-term care facility?
Nope. It’s just a standard infill home, being sold by somebody who got an “F” in marketing.
With Art Design. What’s that? What is art design? Is this similar to “a designer’s touch” or some sort of interior designer’s work? Or is this actual ART, like there’s a Picasso on the wall, or the ceiling was painted by the Group Of Seven?
It’s just weird, that’s all.
Eventually, somebody would say, “Clearly this was written by somebody whose first language isn’t English, so give them a break.” But I disagree. I think speaking English should be one of the first criteria necessary to sell real estate.
This is a $1.5M house, and there’s a lot on the line for the seller, who hired somebody so incompetent that the MLS listing they’ve written will get more laughs than inquiries.
What would YOU think about an MLS listing that notes, Executive Art Mastercrafts Finishes?
What does that mean to YOU as a buyer? Does this make you want to visit the house? To see these….ummmm…..Mastercraft(s) finishes, whatever that means? Executive Art Mastercrafts Finishes?
What the HELL is that? What does that mean?
Meow Meow, goddammit!
Unique Details In The House. Cool. Like what? Care to name some? Or are you going to go right into describing the driveway, which is actually outside of the house? Oh wait, sorry. I guess “Executive Art Mastercrafts Finishes” are part of the unique details…
Okay, so Kitchhen has two “h’s”, but that’s an excusable mistake for somebody being paid $37,500 to sell a house, and clearly I’m nit-picking. After all, I have two regular blog readers that like to point out my spelling and grammar mistakes, but I guess I give myself a pass since I write 8,000 words per week, every week, and I’m very busy….you know…..proof-reading listings for my actual job where I don’t write “Kitchhen” on MLS for a $1.5M listing…
But not all is lost, because Main Entrance Door Is An Art Red Wood With Swarovski Crystals. Good, because for a moment there, I was beginning to think this house might be ugly…
I mean, who wouldn’t want Swarovski crystals adorning the threshold of their home? And don’t forget – this is an “Art Red Wood Door,” whatever the hell that is.
House Looks Like Jewel.
Really?
You mean, the house looks like this:
Am I getting that right?
Or maybe I lost something in translation from whatever language this MLS listing was written in.
Maybe it’s more like this:
Maybe that’s what a Luxury Wellness House is supposed to look like…
I’ll skip over the other spelling mistakes – “Cookstop” and “C Entral,” and move right to my favorite part.
In the “EXTRAS” at the very end, they just kind of throw in Wellness House again. Just for good measure.
Just in case we didn’t already get the fact that this is a “Wellness House;” clearly the only one on planet earth, they throw it in, again, in the Extras.
Wellness house.
Now, I’ve heard it all.
Well folks, I hope I don’t come off as a jerk; I’m just having some fun with some rather pathetic MLS listings, and forgive me if I aspire to higher standards than what we witnessed above. I know that not all Realtors can channel their inner-Hemingway when crafting their MLS captions, but you’d think that if they couldn’t string together coherent sentences, then perhaps they could outsource the job to somebody who can.
Of course, without these bastards of the English language, we wouldn’t have material for some of my favorite blog posts to date…
BillyO
at 9:27 am
Real estate agents never cease to amaze me…
Been a long time reader of this blog, not sure if it has ever been addressed (maybe I missed it?) but why do realtors Type Like This?
Joe Q.
at 10:02 am
I thought it was an MLS thing that Every Word Is Automatically Capitalized Regardless Of Syntactic Function.
Anyway, what amuses me most is the “neighbourhood scope creep” described by David above. Somehow Corso Italia is now part of Hillcrest Village, according to some listings at least. Interesting times.
JJ
at 10:04 am
I’ve been asking myself that same question. Why On Earth Do Real Estate Agents Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word In Their Listings? As a writer this irks me beyond belief. Why is this ok? Meow, meow.
David Fleming
at 10:46 am
@ JJ
MLS listings automatically capitalizes the first letter of each word. I’m not sure why, but it’s probably to simplify things. Otherwise you might run into problems with grammar, spelling, and punctuation…..for a change…
lui
at 9:31 am
Wellness home is another word for haunted…
Vlad
at 9:33 am
Actually, it sounds like this listing was done using Google Translate. Is the listing agent perhaps Chinese? Just a hunch.
Jeff
at 10:52 am
I think part of the problem is the limitations of MLS. I not familiar with the system but it appears that there is a field size limitation on the description.
I suppose that listing agents are therefore forced to try and use “loaded” words to convey meaning. That being said, I know of plenty of listings that use that space to paint a very clear picture of a property and its attributes.
In this case:
Executive = classy, for people who have money
Art = design with an artistic flourish
Mastercrafts = built by people with skill
I guess. That’s after sitting here and thinking about it. Certainly, someone shouldn’t have to sit and think about it.
GinaTO
at 12:19 pm
Hey David, every day reader, first-time poster here. One that drives me nuts, and that seems to pop up often, is “demanding neighbourhood”. So living in this neighbourhood will be difficult, hey? Not knowing the difference between “demanding” and “in demand” is just dumb. And in my view, having English as a second language is not an excuse – if you choose a profession in which you have to communicate clearly, the onus is on you to perfect your language skills. English is my second language too and it would be inacceptable at my job not to speak/write it well.
David Fleming
at 1:08 pm
@ GinaTO
Seems as though a “demanding” neighbourhood should cost less?
“Living here, wow, it’s tiring! You need a Metropass, an alarm system for your home, a cage to trap raccoons – it’s a lot of work! This area is demanding!”
I wonder if others picked up on that?
Joe Q.
at 1:41 pm
I’ve seen “interesting” used the same way. As in, “There’s free beer down at the campus pub today? Yes, I’m interesting!”
Al
at 2:01 pm
If you were selling a home with Jewel (the singer) as you’re front door, I’d be in multiple offers against myself!! Now that’s a meow meow.
ScottyP
at 8:30 pm
That someone who sucks this badly at their job has been given the opportunity to sell a $1.5 million home beggars belief.
Mark
at 10:56 am
Thanks, made me laugh.
One serious question, though: why do MLS listings usually get written with Initial Caps, as though every sentence is a title? To Me, It Just Makes The Detail Harder To Read! But I Assume There Is Some Great Reason For This From The Past?
Maggie K.
at 11:31 pm
I suppose “Wellness House” is a normal idiom in the native language of the realtor. Too bad they didn’t take the time to have someone translate it properly. If I had to guess the language I would say Chinese.
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