I love making a mountain out of a mole-hill!

If you don’t think I can write four pages on using a measuring tape, then you don’t know me at all, do you?

How can I take something as simple as handling a measuring tape and turn it into a topic of discussion?

Well it’s not my doing so much as it’s that of my clients!  My observations are an occupational hazard, since every client of mine will eventually handle a tape measure in my presence, and the phrase “to each, their own” would be a sarcastic way of describing the different methods of operation.

But you know what?  Buying a house or condo is one of the most exciting experiences in one’s life, and fumbling around with a measuring tape is something they’ll always remember.

Here are the most common issues that I come across:

1)  The measuring tape is too small.

How big is your measuring tape?

Is it 15 feet?  20?  25?

Tell me you have one of those monster 50-footers!

Not that size matters at all, but time and time again, I see clients walk in with a measuring tape that is far too small to be of any practical use.

If you have a 15-foot measuring tape, what good does that do you unless you’re buying a bachelor condo?

Picture it in your mind’s eye: measuring a 32-foot long room with a 15-foot-long measuring tape.  It’s usually two people, and one says to the other, “Just mark with your foot there on the floor where the tape runs out.”  Then they recoil the tape, the person measuring walks over to where his/her partner has their foot marking “the spot,” and then continues measuring.

There’s nothing more inefficient than using a measuring tape that’s too small.

But nothing beats the time one of my clients showed up with a “mini-tape” on her keychain!  The tape was only three feet long, and she used it to measure EVERYTHING.  She was measuring a 15-foot room with that 3-foot tape!

2) The measuring tape is too cheap.

I’m not expecting that every person on the planet owns a Stanley Fat Max Extreme measuring tape that costs $20 or more, but I’d say that more often than not, people show up with a measuring tape that either came from the dollar store, or has been lost, then found, then lost, then found again – all my different owners.

You know the one, right?

That orange measuring tape that just sort of appeared in your garage one day.  You didn’t buy it, and you have no clue where it came from, but it’s there!

I love saving money as much, or more, than the next person, but you just know when you’re using a dollar-store measuring tape.

It’s like the ultimate “Soggy Pizza” test.  Take a slice of pizza and hold it by the crust with your thumb and index finger.  Without using your middle-finger and ring-finger to support the slice, see if and where it begins to sag.  A nice, crispy piece of pizza might stay flat, and not buckle.  A somewhat-soggy slice will probably bend in the middle.  A truly soggy, dirty, drippy, greasy (and likely delicious!) slice of pizza will bend right where your thumb is, and point downward – with the toppings threatening to slide off the bread.

Now apply this analogy to a measuring tape and try and picture it.

Can your dollar-store measuring tape get more than 18-inches without bending and buckling?

A good measuring tape – a Stanley tape, can probably extend 10 or 15 feet without bending!

It’s tough to measure a house or condo when the tape keeps bending, no matter where or what you’re measuring.

3) The person measuring and the person recording are not on the same page.

Do you know how many quarrels I’ve seen between couples that are measuring floor space?

One person measures, and the other records.  And at some point, they realize a massive fault, and blame each other.

Usually, this is because one person is recording in inches, when it should be centimetres, or vice versa.

But sometimes, it’s an issue of length instead of width as well.

Of course, there’s always the ever-popular, “I thought you were taking all this down,” when one person is measuring and the other person is standing idly by instead of recording.

I’ve seen every combination and variation of quarrels over measurements, and yet there’s always a new one lurking around the corner.

4) The measuring tape recoils too quickly and an accident ensues.

You think I’m joking, right?

Off the top of my head, I can think of several instances where somebody was caught off-guard by the quick recoil of a measuring tape, and someone, or something, was affected.

Once, a client of mine sliced the piece of skin in between his thumb and finger when the tape he was holding began to recoil.  There was actual blood!  Imagine explaining that large band-aid to your friends and colleagues?

Another time, a client of mine freaked out when the tape began to recoil, and dropped it on his toe – which was in a thong-sandal.  (Sidebar: is it still okay for men to wear thong-sandals?).  His toe wasn’t broken, but every time I’ve seen him since, I just have to ask: “Hey, how’s the toe?”

In a similar situation, a client of mine dropped the quickly-recoiling-tape and it cracked one of the kitchen tiles.  We had to explain this to the owners, who didn’t really care all that much, since they had sold their condo firm and were moving in two months, but did sort of care, since they had to live with a cracked tile for the next two months!

I should point out, however, nobody has ever lost an eye during the operation of a measuring tape.  That old adage about “somebody losing an eye” is probably worth remembering, although perhaps I’ve just been lucky thus far…

5) Not knowing what to measure.

I once had a client measure every single nook and cranny of the condo, and I mean everything.

The baseboards.  Really?  Okay.

The quarter-round in front of the baseboards too.

The bulkheads, the depth of the window-sill, the length of the handles on the cupboard doors, the thickness of the granite counters, the width of the hardwood floor planks, and even the space in between each grill on the heating/cooling vent.

I mean, EVERYTHING.

She didn’t know where to record all of this information, since the simple floor plan was not in the four-dimensions necessary to accommodate such a slew of powerful data!

In the day and age of floor plans, there are usually only a few things you need to measure.  If you want to make absolute sure that your 90-inch couch will fit in that space that says 98 inches on the floor plan – that’s a must!  But do you really need to know if the doors are 2-inches thick or 2 1/4?

6) NEVER having “operated” a measuring tape before.

This has only happened once, and my friends who are reading this know the person I’m talking about.

He’s probably reading this too, so I hope he can laugh about it, but honestly – you’ve NEVER used a measuring tape in your life?

This is one of the most intelligent people I know.  A financial guru who is so intelligent, in fact, that he was recruited and stolen and shipped overseas by a competing firm!

Like I said at the onset – I’ve seen everything there is to see when it comes to the baffling actions of human beings and measuring tapes, but I wasn’t quite prepared to watch this guy hand-feed the tape back into the device!  I said to him, “Is that thing broken?”  He said, “No,” and asked why.  So I said, “Why don’t you just press that button on the bottom?”  He did, and the tape quickly recoiled, as it’s supposed to do, and he freaked out and backed off – jumping away like a snake was trying to bite him!

He said, “I didn’t know a measuring tape could do that.  That makes it so much easier!”

He added that he had “Never used one of these things before,” and I wondered how that was even possible.  How can you be 30-years-old and never have operated a measuring tape before?

“I dunno,” he said.  “I’ve just never had occasion to.  And this isn’t even my tape measure – I borrowed it from a friend at work.”

Oh, it was quite strange!  I had to show him the “short cuts,” as he put it, such as pressing the recoil button, locking the tape in place, and of course – the one-handed operation!

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This is just another reason why I love my job.

Even the most mundane, trivial tasks has a way of putting a smile on my face.

It’s a people business, and people come in all shapes and sizes, as do measuring tapes.  So put them both together, and you’re bound to be entertained…