A friend of mine suggested that I watch the HGTV show Million Dollar Listing, telling me, “It’ll make you want to punch your TV.”

I saw the show.

My hand really hurts…

And now, I’ll share my thoughts on this show with just as much cynicism as usual…

In May of 2000, I watched the television show Survivor along with the rest of the world.

But my foray into “Reality Television” ended there.

Not only did I think the concept of watching other people’s lives could only mean that it rendered the viewer’s life meaningless, but I also refused to believe that “Reality TV” was actually REAL.

Case in point: every stupid MTV show featuring blond puppets named “Whitney” and “Audrina,” and style-clashing guys named “Chazzz” and “Torque”…

If you think any single element of “The Hills” is real, then you might as well pack it in now.

If you don’t believe me, ask yourself this question: When was the last time YOU had an argument with your boyfriend in your living room while a technician held a boom-mic over your head as you were filmed by six cameras?

On Saturday, I watched “Million Dollar Listing” for the first time.

There is simply no way this show is real.

Take, “Chad,” for example.

See that dirty q-tip on top of his head?  That’s actually his HAIR.

I didn’t really understand the faux-hawk or the frosted-tips when those male hairstyles came out, but I soon accepted them.  However….what the heck is this guy doing?  Would you EVER trust this guy to do anything for you?  I wouldn’t even let him walk my dog, let alone sell my $6 Million condo…

Million Dollar Listing features three incredibly well-off, probably former rich-kids, who are supposedly “successful” real estate agents in Los Angeles, California.

The premise of the show is simply unbelievable.

The three characters; Chad, Madison, and Josh, are all twenty-something Realtors who routinely list and sell properties of up to $10 Million.

On the episode I watched, Chad, who looks like he isn’t old enough to legally purchase alcohol, drove around in his $90,000 Mercedes while talking on his Bluetooth and using the word “like” before he began every sentence.

He sounded just like Keannu Reeves in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

He sounded just like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless.

I felt just like I was going to throw up.

Later on, we meet Chad’s evil nemesis, Josh Flagg.  Josh has one of those currently-popular day-beards where the stubble is so thin that it looks cute, like Charlie Salinger on Party of Five back in the 90’s:

Josh has a faux-hawk, since he is clearly out of touch, and Chad refuses to let Josh’s clients view his $3 Million condo because they have “a history.”  However, Josh tells a different story, saying “Clearly the guy is just obviously, like, jealous of me.”  It sounds to me like they should pull eachothers wavy hair and slap eachother with surf boards until somebody cries, “rich Uncle,” and gives the other his trust fund…

Madison, on the other hand, has a pretty easy go-around in this episode.   He finds “Jeremy,” a buyer for his $5 Million house, on the Internet, who in-turn makes an offer before he even sees the property!  Jeremy is a twenty-one-year-old student from Pepperdine University who probably also worked really hard for the $5 Million he’s about to spend and definitely did not just have rich parents who produced ambition-less and unmotivated children…

But back to Chad, who is the obvious star of the show on account of his hair AND his intelligent quotes such as, “Like, back in the waaaaay back of this listing at the beginning….”

Chad has come a long way since he was first given TWO $4 Million listings and appropriately responded, “Naaaaaaw-wow-way!  Like, get outta here!”  But now Chad is having trouble convincing “Ronald Richards,” his client with a totally-believable-sounding-name, that he truly is qualified to continue listing BOTH of his $4 Million properties after he hasn’t got close to a sale in 90 days. 

Maybe Chad should have let Josh show the property afterall.  Then, they could compare their honey-glazed skin while they go get a seaweed wrap…

Madison had the most success on this show, and boy did he ever work for it!

Madison received an offer for his own listing (dual agency/multiple representation), and presented it to his silk-shirted, greasy-haired client.  He later said, “The negotiations were among the most intense I’ve ever dealt with.”

Yeah.

Right.

I watched the “negotiations.”  It was sort of like two five-year olds sitting in a sandbox, saying:

Kid #1: “I like apples.”
Kid #2: “I really like apples.”
Kid #1: “I really, really like apples.”
Kid #2: “So we both like apples then.”
Kid #1: “Yeah, I guess.”

Basically, a property listed at $4.9 Million received an “insulting” offer of $4.2 Million, and during the space of twenty minutes, the seller and buyer signed it back and forth about three times, each time coming $100,000 closer.

Madison continuously ran his hands through his chestnut-brown hair with natural golden highlights while he gave the impression that this was how negotiations take place in the real world.

In the end, he earned a $225,000 commission for all of his “intense” negotiating skills.

So what is $225,000 to one of these Malibu kids masquerading as Realtors?

Ummm…..it’s just Tuesday.

Watching the three of these goofs run around and mis-pronounce “fid-u-ci-ary” worse than Arnold Schwarzenegger mis-pronounces “Cal-i-for-nia” is as easy as the show is believable.

But the toughest scene to witness was undoubtedly Madison’s message on Chad’s voicemail that featured more “umm’s” and “uhhh’s” than George W. Bush at a kindergarten Q & A, and was about as coherent as the drunk-dial I left on my ex-girlfriend’s voicemail back on New Years, 2005.

Actually come to think of it, the best part about this show was the commercial breaks where all of a sudden, advertisements for Richard Gere and Diane Lane in “Nights in Rodanthe” actually seemed tolerable.

I guess I don’t know much about popular culture, and I sure don’t understand high society.

I don’t believe in the concept of “celebrity,” and there’s nothing I hate more than spoiled, over-entitled, unmotivated, rich kids; be it in Los Angeles, or the youth that plagues most of Midtown Toronto today.

But this show is just an insult to the real estate industry, and human beings in general.

I thought the concept for Bromance was ridiculous, but Million Dollar Listing is simply preposterous.

Watching that show was the most frustrating experience of my week – and I was rear-ended by a drunk driver while I sat in my parked car on Thursday night!  Yeah – it was that frustrating!

But for the love of God – if I start to see people emulating Chad Rogers’ hair as a “new and emerging trend,” then I guess it’s me who should be packing it in.  Geez….I can’t even imagine what that would look like…