Did anybody see the headline on the front of Saturday’s Toronto Sun?

It read: “Film Fest Elitist!”  It sure came as no surprise to me.

What also should come as no surprise, to anybody, is me absolutely PANNING the new Festival Tower…

Does everybody remember the story of The Emporer’s New Clothes?

An emperor who cared too much about appearance and his clothing hired two swindlers who promised him the most beautiful clothes made from the most beautiful cloth.  But they tell him that the cloth is special, and is invisible to anybody who is either stupid or simply unfit for his position.  So while the emperor and all his faithful followers cannot actually see the clothes, they pretend that they can for fear of appearing stupid.

This completely sums up how I feel about “Festival Tower.”

I just don’t see what the developers are selling, and I think that anybody who spends $500,000 on a 1-bedroom condo is being completely swindled, and I ask what it is that they think they are getting.

Let’s get something out of the way here first: if you buy at Festival Tower, Brad Pitt is not going to cook you breakfast in the morning, and Angelina Jolie is not going to tuck you in at night.

I read at least a half-dozen articles on the Toronto International Film Festival over the weekend, and majority of them claimed that the festival has become an “elitist corporate spectacle” and is no longer an event for the people.

So I find it rather interesting and coincidental that on the first business day after the Film Festival Weekend, I get a package from Daniels Corporation mailed to me at my office announcing the launch of the “Final Release of Suites” and the “Red Carpet Sales Event” for Festival Tower.

Red Carpet sales event, eh?  Wow, that sounds so classy and special that I’d be a fool not to buy!

The tagline for Festival Tower reads, “One Part Condo, One Part Film Festival.”  I just don’t see it.

What I see is a condominium, like many others in the city, that is named after a sad corporate manifestation and media circus that takes place in Toronto one weekend a year.

What do you get by living at Festival Tower?

Well, it is undoubtedly a gorgeous building from top to bottom, and it has unbelievable amenities.  But so do hundreds of buildings across the GTA!

While I wont bore you with the details, I will draw your attention to an excerpt from the description of the building amenities:

….”The Pool House with an indoor swimming pool; whirlpool; a cascading floor-to-ceiling waterfall; His and Hers saunas and changerooms!”

Okay….since the day I realized that girls were different from boys, I have been eagerly awaiting the advent of the unisex change room but it has never arrived.  I find it comical, at best, that this “luxury” condo is trying to spin separate change rooms for men and women as some sort of unique feature.

But this is what marketing is all about!

Speaking of marketing, do you know the suites themselves are are named after celebrities?  I covered this about a year ago, but back then my blog was in its infancy and I was still trying to earn brownie-points for brevity (clearly no longer the case…), so take a look if you so desire by clicking here.

I’ve always thought the names of pre-construction condos are quite silly (whether the “Waldorf” model or simply “Model 870”), but do people feel better about themselves knowing they live in the Eastwood or the Hayworth?

In the end, all of my criticism about this project stems from the price, which is slightly absurd for downtown.

The Nicholsonmodel of 568 square feet is priced at $456,000, or roughly $802 per square foot.  Keep in mind that this does NOT include a parking space (for $sqft comparisons), which run upwards of $50,000 and cannot be purchased for smaller units such as the Nicholson.  Oh and FYI – the prices increase $1000 per floor!  So if you want the 40th floor instead of the 12th, try tacking on an extra $28,000!

I don’t know about you, but I can think of a few hundred properties I’d rather purchase for $456,000 than a cramped 1-bedroom condo on the umpteenth floor of a gaudy new development that is intended for star-f*ckers, for lack of a better term.

Because that’s what this is all about, isn’t it?  Worshipping the “celebs?”  The marketing package says that the condominium will “have it’s own fully equipped authentic cinema with seating for up to 55 people.  The cinema is so state-of-the-art that the Toronto International Film Festival Group will use it for screenings.”

Egad!  Really?  You mean they’re going to use a movie theatre for movies?  Geez, I thought they were just going to use it to store empty banana boxes!

So for all the Toronto socialites that spent the last few days going to certain clubs because their friend heard from a guy who knows a girl that got a text message from a dude that overheard perhaps Kevin Bacon “might” be going to that particular club, then Festival Tower is the place for you!!!

But if you value your wallet and it’s (potential) contents, then try and see through the smoke and mirrors!

The prices get a little more reasonable as the units get more expensive, such as the Penthouse unit which is known as the Freeman.  For $2,150,900, you get a 2-bedroom-plus-den of 2,289 square feet, meaning your cost is roughly $939/sqft.  This is significantly less than the newer Yorkville developments, but then again, King & John is hardly Yorkville.

My issue, however, with the Freeman unit is the layout itself.  It’s just not open-concept enough for me, and if I’m spending two-million-dollars, I’d like something more than an enclosed kitchen that is next to the front hall and doesn’t have access to the living or dining rooms!  While the 400 square foot terrace is nice, it looks to be about four-feet wide, and one-hundred feet long.  What practical uses does this have other than bowling?

Perhaps I’m missing something here, since pre-construction prices have risen dramatically since the project was first launched in the early Summer of 2007, but I think that is more a function of the discounted original prices and the developers intent all along to capitalize on the Film Festival itself, which they are clearly doing as we speak.

Maybe my problem is that I don’t own enough Fendi, Prada, and Gucci to really appreciate the feelings associated with needlessly spending money on a product that capitalizes on a brand-name, but is really the same item as something that costs a fraction of the price.

Well, you won’t find a condo like Festival Tower at “a fraction of the price,” but you will find a whole slew of 568 square foot, 1-bedroom units WITH parking that are in great locations and very popular buildings for around $300,000—-significantly less than the $500,000-ish it costs at Festival Tower.

Wow….imagine saving $200,000 on the same sized unit.

Just think of all the Gucci you could buy with that…