Well, I was all set to get back to business and write about real estate, but there are three people in my office today…

….and they are all secretaries.

I guess “work” doesn’t start until Monday, so why should I write about real estate?

How about one last rant before I get serious again?

Well I’ve already written about my sheer loathing of airports, airplanes, and travelling, but at the risk of sounding repetitive, I’m going to do it again, just a little different this time.  Last summer, I wrote about my trials and tribulations with the airlines.  Click here if you haven’t read it.

This time around, my problem is with the airplanes themselves, more specifically, how we are all treated like children by the flight attendants, who aim to play to the lowest common denominator, and constantly fool us into thinking we are safe.

My issue with the flight starts as soon as I step on-board.

There, beaming, and wearing far too much makeup is your “flight attendant,” who asks for your ticket.

Looking at my ticket, that says “David Fleming,” and reads “34B,” I see that I, David Fleming, am sitting in 34B.

But that doesn’t stop Miss Makeup from taking my ticket, looking at it, and telling me, “Ookie-dokie, you’re sitting in 34B.”

My problem is this: Do all flight attendants just assume that 78.4% of all passengers are completely illiterate?  Can I not read for myself?  Do I really need to be told where I’m sitting when it’s right there in front of me?

Have you ever noticed how happy the people in “first class” look as you walk past them to your coach seat?  They just sit there, smiling all cocky and pleased with themselves.  They won’t say it, but you know they’re looking at you thinking, “Get your ass back to coach, bitch!”

I always ask the flight attendant what movie will be playing, and more often than not I’m left disappointed.  My Dog Skip?  Seriously?  Why?!?  I guess the pilot’s five-year-old son is on board in business class and thus the rest of the passengers have to suffer?  A word of advice: fly Air Canada, and each seat has it’s very own “On Demand” system where you can watch one of a hundred movies, forty different TV shows, and play video games….if one were so inclined for a game of Tetris.

But I suppose My Dog Skip is better than their other form of entertainment: In-Flight Magazines.

The only “In Flight Magazines” they should have are dog-eared copies of People, Sports Illustrated, and Cosmo, no matter how old the issues are.

But that doesn’t stop every airline from publishing their very own magazine!

Really, I mean how interesting can enRoute be when you’re on Air Canada or Spirit Magazine when you’re flying aboard Southwest Airlines?

Are we to believe that Brad Pitt for some reason decided to shun Larry King Live and People Magazine to give his life’s story in an exclusive, up-front interview with the brilliant journalists at American Way?

Once seated, we all hear this familiar term:

“To fasten the belt, insert the metal fitting into the buckle, and pull the strap to tighten.”

Seriously.

I’m 27 years old.

Do I really need to be told how to do up my seat-belt?

I have personally witnessed a two-year-old child climb into her booster seat in the back of a Volvo and do up her own seatbelt without being told.  Can the flight attendants not give us a little credit here and assume we have done this before?  I’m not sure why they tell us how to do up the seat-belt, but they don’t instruct us on how to un-do it…

Now comes the part where the flight attendants approach the passengers sitting next to the emergency exits and explain that in the event of an emergency, they need to first look out the window for hazards and assess the situation before opening the exit.

Is this really necessary?

Look, call me a pessimist, or call my cup half full, and I realize this is the part where half of my readers are going to make a decision on whether or not to keep reading…..but let’s call a spade a spade here; if the plane crashes, we are all going to die.

It’s that simple.  We are all going to die.

We know this, we just won’t admit it.  And neither will the airlines or the flight attendants.

Riddle me this: When, in aviation history, was the last time that an aircraft crash landed on land or water, at six-hundred miles-per-hour and people safely and calmly escaped through the emergency exits?

NEVER!

When planes crash after falling 30,000 feet from the sky, they blow up.

There are no parachutes large enough to keep a Boeing 747 from spiralling down to earth and exploding on contact.

Yet the airplane is filled with safety equipment!

“In the event of an unexpected landing on water, your seat may be used as a floatation device.”

Can you picture this?  Really?

Can you see three hundred people floating around in the Atlantic Ocean, kicking their feet, with their arms laced through the straps on their seat cushion?

Perhaps people are reading this right now, mad at me for telling the truth, or thinking “I don’t want to read this.”  Look, I know there are some things that we don’t like to think about, like our own impending deaths, but we all KNOW that every time we step aboard an airplane, we could die if it crashes…which happens very, VERY seldom.  “One-in-a-million” may be an understatement.

BUT…..the airlines stock the aircrafts with LIFE BOATS!

HA!

Inflatable life boats!

They don’t just say that they have life boats, they actually have life boats!

What is the point?

The only time those life boats have ever been used was at the 2003 Lufthansa Christmas Party when Gunther and Deiter each ate a quarter of magic mushrooms, inflated the raft, and tried to paddle across the tarmac to Narnia…

Airplanes have been known to encounter difficulty on scheduled takeoff and landing, and passengers may escape safely, get hurt, or even perish in the extreme case.  But these are the “happy endings” that you see on TV when people escape unscathed.

Those situations are NOT planes falling from the sky and landing in the Pacific Ocean, a thousand miles from land!

It truly bothers me that the illusion of safety exists, and is supposed to make us all feel better.

I liken the appearance of floatation devices and life rafts on airplanes to the security guard that takes your water bottle away before you go on the airplane.  This is all just for show.  Yes, in August of 2006, terrorists were plotting to blow up airplanes at Heathrow Airport using explosive liquid disguised as water.  But if they fooled us then with water, they can fool us again with something else!  And I think by now these terrorists would realize that the whole water-explosive-trick has been figured out, and move on to another idea!  Taking away every bottle of water at every airport across the world really isn’t doing much….except providing the illusion of safety.

When I got my Gatorade and Aquafina taken away by security, they allowed me to keep my cheese baguette.  Now I ask you all, what is to stop me from putting a little bit of C4 Plastic Explosive in between my slices of mozzarella cheese and cherry tomatoes?

I’m not being a defeatist, I just hope that behind the scenes, while overzealous security guards are confiscating bottle after bottle of Evian and Dasani, there are some security figureheads working feverishly to identify one of a million different, other ways in which our lives could be threatened aboard aircrafts.

Well, that’s about all I’ve got.

I don’t plan on travelling abroad again for at least a couple years.

I never thought I’d say this, but I could use a really “relaxing” trip to Cancun, Bahamas, or some other exotic country where I can plop down on the beach and work on my tan.

What do I need to make this happen?  Oh yeah….money…..from working…..at my job.

Yes, Monday it will be back to business, where real estate blog entries will abound.

I hope everybody had a great holiday, and all the best in 2008!