Every time I see a commercial for the good ole folks at TD Canada Trust, BMO, or ScotiaBank, I want to punch myself in the face.

These commercials do nothing but make me want to keep my money in my mattress.

They’re condescending and they play to the lowest common denominator.

Who are they trying to attract?

Does anybody know where I can get one of those whatchyamacallits or doohickies that mutes the television when it goes to commercial?

I can’t stand the sheer amount of financial services commercials that we’re subjected to on a daily basis.

I only like to yell at the television when I’m watching football, or telling Alex Trebek that he’s wrong during Final Jeopardy.

But I guess after reading Michael Lewis’ The Big Short last week, I’m even more sour on financial institutions in general.  This book is a must read for anybody with an IQ over 70 and a ten fingers, and if you’re as nerdy as me, you won’t be able to put it down.

The basic conclusion I drew from The Big Short was that for all of time, the lower-end consumers will continue to be raped and pillaged by those at the top.  And it made me realize that there actually ARE people who watch ScotiaBank commercials, and run like Forest Gump into the local branch to put all their money in the hands of some 27-year-old who day-trades penny-stocks in his own account over his lunch break.

Here are my top three most despised bank commercials:

#3: Screw You, Peasants!

[youtube Fz4chWChQHw]

Let me translate the contents of this video into English:

Yuppie #1: “Hello, we’re rich white people from North America, and we like the sounds of our own voices.”

Mexican Peasant: “Please, help me.  Buy my arts and crafts, please!  I make $1.00 per day and I have seven kids.”

Yuppie #2: “We recently debated about whether to buy the Porsche Cayenne, or go with a Range Rover.  We’re agonizing about this!”

Mexican Peasant: “I have no clean water, my house has no roof, the police steal all my money, and I have no reason to live!”

Yuppie #1: “We only made 2.7% on our investment portfolio this year, and the S&P went up 4.6%.  Our friends at the yacht club won’t let us live it down!  Heavans-to-Betsy; what ever are we going to do?”

This is so condescending, and rude.

I think anybody from a non-wasp background might see this and automatically decide not to do business with BMO at any level.  They trivialize the plight of third-world countries, while trying to make these moronic yuppies look “fun” by demonstrating their inability to string together two words in another language.

“Investmentittos?”  Oh, that’s right, I forgot – you just have to put “ittos” on the end of any English word to make it Spanish!

To speak “Canadian,” just use your own foreign tongue and say “eh” at the end of every sentence.  It’s basically the same thing…

#2: No Plan IS The Plan!

[youtube trP5Bk9m1VU]

I can’t figure out which one is worse…

First, you have the marketing geniuses at Investor’s Group trying to think up some sort of name for their new financial services plan.  They stew in a hot boardroom all day, and then one of them says, “Hey, do you guys just wanna forget all this and head to a strip-club?”  They all agree that’s the best course of action, and one of them says, “Let’s just call this plan, ‘The Plan.'”

Secondly, you have the television viewers who actually buy this crap!  Some couple is sitting at home on their couch thinking, “I wish we had a plan.”  Then they get hit with a commercial that advertises a plan called “the plan,” and they look at eachother with glee!

I guess the thinking behind this one is, “Less is more.”

The commercial shows a slightly-balding, slightly-pudgy guy who despite wearing a suit and looking successful, can’t control his own finances.  Then they flash to a really good-looking dude named “Chris” with a cleft-chin and sharp specs and he calmly says, “I’m not worried.” 

Oh my god – HE’S BATMAN!

#1: Emasculated

[youtube J50ybQdJayU&feature=related]

Maybe I’m wrong on this one, but I don’t think I am…

Basically, this commercial attempts to appease both men and women.

First, the woman is allowed to completely belittle her husband by telling the “advisor,” who also happens to be a women, something to the effect of, “My husband has this terrible idea…”  This is for the women watching the commercial.  It clearly shows that they are strong, proud, and they can handle the finances for the household.  It’s no longer a man’s job!  Oh, and they can also tell complete strangers that their husband is a moron.

Then, the man rips off his shirt and shows that he came prepared with a home-made shirt that reminds me of Al Bundy’s “N.O. M.A.A.A.M.” from the later years of Married With Children.  This is for the men watching the commercial.  They think, “Ha!  That’s awesome!  That funny guy is doing funny stuff!  That’s soooo…..funny!”

During this sequence, the women watching the commercial are once again reminded how simple-minded men are.

But this commercial disguises the fact that the banks are selling you the idea that “ANY time is a good time to get into ANY investment in ANY market!”

This commercial came out in 2009 when every market on the planet was filled with uncertainty.  And ScotiaBank capitalized on the word “uncertainty” by making it sound like “opportunity.”

What do they care, anyways?  They make money with service charges, account fees, trading fees, and dozens of other ways to nickel, dime, and dollar the consumer out of their money regardless of whether or not Scotia actually shows them a return on their investment.

ScotiaBank just pushes the crap that Scotia Capital underwrites, even in a down market when the people in this commercial are better off keeping their money in a savings account.

This commercial makes us all look like morons.

Well, I could do this all day!

The Internet is filled with virtually every bank and financial services commercial ever made.

Honourable mention goes to TD Canada Trust and these guys:

But that’s just too easy…