We all know that soccer is the world’s national sport; that is to say that most countries consider it their own individual national sport.

But I’ve discovered a new sport in Serbia—their national sport, that all Serbians are really good at.

And I am absolutely terrible at this sport.

It’s called “chain-smoking”….

When I go to visit a new country for the first time, I always try to adapt to certain aspects of the country’s culture and way of life.

I know I’m not going to make myself Serbian overnight, but aside from picking up a small part of the language, I’d like to immerse myself in their daily rituals, hobbies, and social values.

But when it comes to smoking, which I’m really making an effort to learn and subsequently excel at, I am stuck on the same number of daily cigarettes that I was smoking every day in Toronto: zero.

Try as I might, I just can’t seem to keep up with the Joneses (or in this case, the Mihalic’s).

I suppose it could be argued that since smoking is so rampant, especially in confined areas such as bars and restaurants, that I’m getting at least 6-7 full cigarettes a day just in second-hand smoke.  But this just doesn’t count.  It’s like saying that being a really big hockey fan and going to all the games is tantamount to being a great hockey player yourself.

It took me a couple days to see exactly how serious the sport of smoking is.  My first night, while out at a social function, a young lady asked me for a cigarette, to which I answered, “Ne, izvini.”  She looked me up and down, scoured, and walked away.  I was clueless to what had just happened.

You see, since 100.00% of people here smoke, for me to say that I don’t have a cigarette is just a plain lie.  I essentially told this young lady to go away, by making such a radical, comical statement in suggesting that I don’t have a cigarette.

This afternoon, while having lunch at Cafe Okno, I saw a man sit down at another table and neatly place two packs of cigarettes and a lighter next to his drink.  I snickered under my breath at the prospect of him really needing TWO full packs of cigarettes.  “God forbid he should run out,” I thought to myself.  But much to my surprise, in the mere 45 minutes I was there, he consumed two entire packs of smokes, one after the other.

This brings up an interesting quandary: Why not just smoke two cigarettes at once?  Or three?  Or why not create a “super cigarette” that is a foot long, and an inch thick? How about a device that enables the user to smoke five cigarettes at once, and have the device programed to reload once you smoke your way down to the filter?

Why don’t people learn to smoke in their sleep?

Forgive my naivety, but I just don’t see the appeal to smoking.  I guess the root of the issue is the chemical addiction, which hooks many people at a young age.  If I were a teenage girl today, the first thing I would do is take up smoking….so I could be cool.  Obviously, cool people smoke.

When I was in high school, the cool people hung out at the “Butt-Hut” outside Leaside High School, where smokers ruled supreme.  For any aspiring coolio, you needed an excuse to go out there to see and be seen….such as smoking.  Take a typical teenage girl, who doesn’t want to look silly by NOT smoking, and just standing there.  The next step is obvious.

If Hollywood’s current interpretation of teen life has taught us anything concrete (aside from the three facets of common knowledge: all geeks wear classes, all cool guys wear Abercrombie, and all girls wear thong underwear from age thirteen and on), it’s that smoking is very cool, and everybody should do it.

I guess Serbians have seen every American teen movie ever made, over and over and over…

I can’t help but feel a little self-conscious here in Belgrade whenever I’m out in public and not smoking.  Last night at Cafe Insomnia (the name is God’s cruel joke with regards to my inability to adapt to my new body clock) my friend and I met three girls from Paris.  Hmmm…Paris eh?  French people don’t like to smoke, do they?

While sitting for ONE drink, which took exactly fifteen minutes, the three girls consumed twenty cigarettes in total.  How do I know this?  Because they ran out!  From the moment they took the foil off a new pack of Marlboro Lights to the moment they reached a state of panic (how can the thought of having no smokes left NOT set send you off the edge?) only fifteen measly minutes passed.  This got me wondering…..how can these girls learn to smoke MORE?

Every day, I tell myself that I’m going to take my book and go to a cafe for a coffee, and a nice relaxing afternoon of reading.  But every day, I last about twenty minutes, as the smoke is simply unbearable.  My clothes all stink, I shower five times a day to rinse the thick smoke from my hair, and I have daily headaches.

This all points to one simple problem, that has one simple solution: I’m not good at chain-smoking, so I just need to work harder!  Nobody gets to the NHL, NBA, or NFL by simply giving up!

I should just track down all my old school-mates that used to hang out at the Butt-Hutt (by visiting the various gas stations, grocery stores, and hair salons where they all work), and ask them how they became so good at smoking!

When in Rome, do as the Romans!

If I really want to fit in with Serbians and have them accept me into their social circles, I must accept tobacco both in my blood, and in my heart…

All jokes aside, I’ll end with a true story from last night’s events, complete with documented photos that I took myself.

After exiting this insane Euro-techno-rave on the 9th floor of an office building, there were about six or seven Gypsy children waiting outside and begging for money, food, something, anything!  Most people just ignored the kids, as us Torontonians pretend not to see the scores of homeless people lining our streets every day, however a couple of good Samaritans took pittance on the children, and gave them something. 

They gave the kids cigarettes.

That’s the best part about this sport known as “chain-smoking.”  Anybody can play, regardless of gender, race, height, weight…..or AGE….it would seem…