I’m one of those people that believes that the world is far too sensitive, way too many people complain about way too many things, and that much of the fun has been taken out of the holiday season.

The following sums it all up perfectly! 🙂

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources  Director
TO: All Employees
Date December 1, 2011
RE: Gala Christmas  Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company  Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the  private function room at the Galt House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of  drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing  along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift  should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement  at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources  Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2011
RE: Gala Holiday  Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to  exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important  holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this  year.

However, from now on, we’re calling it our  “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not  Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no  Christmas carols will be sung.

We  will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources  Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2011
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a  member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign  your name..

I’m happy to accommodate this request, but  if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous  anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And  sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union  members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is  a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE  ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources  Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 4, 2011
RE: Generic  Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea  that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating  and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can  appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim  employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal  until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in  little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of  Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will  get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men,  each group will have their own table.

Yes,  there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.   To the person  asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be  allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short  people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am  sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The  Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as  dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts.  Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources  Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: December 5, 2011
RE: The  F*%^ing Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so  you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so  quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic  tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream  right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss  my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The  B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:December 6, 2011
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m  sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her  recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with  full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

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Welcome back, everybody!

I hope your holiday breaks were rejuvenating, and all the best as we move forward in 2012!

Tomorrow we’ll talk about furniture for the first or second-time home-buyer, and I’d love to get input from my readers on the best deals and recommendations in the city!