Sooooo……how was the long weekend?
Our bodies are back, but our brains still long for the cottages, ski-boats, and golf courses.
Today’s blog post won’t be about real estate, as it is my duty to provide you all with a little comic relief from your jobs…
Unlike all you lucky cottagers, I was stuck in the city this weekend, and to ensure I felt productive and satisfied, I went to the gym every day.
It got me thinking about the cast of characters we see in our gyms and how these characters really haven’t changed no matter the decade or the gym.
Do you know any of these guys?
The Guy In The Toque
This guy is either the coolest, most suave person you have ever seen, or, he is a complete poser who is wearing that toque to mask his low self-esteem. Take your pick.
The irony is, the guy in the toque usually wears a tank-top, which is a completely contradictory statement.
It’s so hot in here that I have to wear a tank-top! But it’s so cold in here that I have to wear a toque.
Hey, look over there! That guy has the same toque as you! Maybe we should introduce you two…
The Guy With The Barbed Wire Tattoo
Ha!
Do you regret this yet?
How was 1995 for you anyways? Was it worth commemorating for all eternity via that cliche piece of artwork on your shoulder or bicep?
This guy is usually in his late-30’s or early 40’s and often shaves his head. He looks in the mirror more than most guys, but it’s not because he’s checking himself out – he’s still trying to figure out why he got that tattoo…
Mr. Questionable Drug Test
There are certain things that the human body simply cannot do.
Men cannot fly, and men cannot weight 325 pounds of pure muscle with 4% body fat and a 62-inch chest without the use of copious amounts of steroids that are usually reserved for horses.
Who is this guy fooling?
Nobody wants to go near him, and rightfully so. He’s barely human.
If he’s not a professional bodybuilder, than why is he doing this? The moment he stops working out, all that turns to fat!
And by the time he’s fifty years old, he’ll be lucky if he doesn’t have one testicle…..or three, for that matter…
Mr. Former Glory
This guy was the unofficial Superman of the gym at Western University back in the early 1980’s but now that he’s approaching a half-century on this planet, he just wants to attend the gun-show every weekend.
This guy only works his arms, and nothing else.
After all these years, he still has 17-inch biceps, but he has a 40-inch waistline and a massive gut to go with it.
He comes to the gym three times per week and only rocks the guns. No cardio, no legs, not even some shoulders and back – just the guns.
The Teenager At Heart
Okay, I get it – well all went to university…..presumably.
But when we graduated and took home our degrees, we left everything else behind.
You know that guy in your gym that still wears his “Welcome Week 1994” t-shirt? Shouldn’t somebody tell him “hey man, it’s over”?
You’re now 34-years old but you still wear your “Frosh Week” t-shirt to the gym to let everybody know that, yes, you lived in Brandon Hall in first-year, and, yes, you know how to drink beer with other teenagers.
But to where this shirt EVERY day? There’s something very disturbing about that…
Lance Armstrong
What do you wear when you workout?
My shorts say “Adidas” and my shirt says “Fila,” but the resident Lance Armstrong at your gym will model, “Duracell,” “Castrol,” “Wonderbread,” “Sony,” and “Verizon” all on the same shirt!
He dresses like he’s ready for the Tour De France, but he’s really just peddling in the back of Pure Fitness.
When he sneezes, his body tenses up so much that you can see every last sinew in his body!
He actually has negative body fat!
“He bro -how does your red blood cell count look today?”
How does he find the time to pedal for three hours a day? Doesn’t he work?
He looks even better when he puts on one of those little cycling beanies:
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Well, I was going to just keep this to the male part of the gym population for fear of sexist backlash, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t include these three women…
Ms. Don’t $&*@ With Me
This woman has an agenda, and it includes one thing: working out.
There is also one thing it doesn’t include: talking to anybody.
Also known as “Ms. Ball-Cap and EarPhones,” this lady can be identified by the brim of her hat being pulled down right over her eyes.
You’ve seen her, but you’ve never really seen her. You’ve never seen her eyes, nor has anybody!
She never takes her ear-phones out, and she never looks up from under the brim of her hat.
She’s been spotted in University gyms, but
Mrs. High Society
What smells like perfume in here?
Oh, maybe it’s that lady over there…..who looks like she just paid $900 to get her hair done…
Who wears five-inch hoop earrings to workout?
There are always a few of these women at your gym, and you can’t really seem to figure out why they’re actually there. You’ve really never seen them workout or even pretend to sit on a piece of fitness equipment, as all they really do is walk around and talk to people.
These women look like they just came out of a fashion magazine, and you can’t fathom seeing them in sweat pants.
Their hair is always down, they never take out their earrings, they smell like Chanel No. 5, and they’re dressed to go out to dinner. What the hell are they doing at the gym?
Ms. Olympia
Have you seen this girl at your gym?
She makes me feel completely emasculated!
Now, I don’t exactly think she looks good, but I will say that since she can probably bend me into a pretzel, I usually stay out of her way.
She also carries a three-litre bottle of water with her at all times, so I’m pretty sure she could drown me as well.
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Alright, so I didn’t feel like writing about mortgage rates on the first day back from the long weekend!
The blog is also an outlet for my thoughts and reflections, so you can count on posts like this from time to time.
Tomorrow, it’s back to the downtown condo market and a two-part series on how age can make a building a really tough sell…
AK
at 9:19 am
Which guy are YOU?
Destructicus
at 10:48 am
I hope you continue this list at some point. It could be endless.
My favorite are the guys who when they see a girl they fancy start doing their workout like their posing for Muscle and Fitness magazine, who look like that pigeon in the park puffing out his chest for the lady birds. I like how they try to draw her eyes to their muscles (or relative equivalent) by glancing from her to the guns, to her, back to the guns. “Did she see the guns?”
Michael
at 3:37 pm
Something tells me your list (for the females) is somewhat incomplete. You should have an anonymous blog where you can really let loose!
Adam
at 6:24 pm
Don’t forget the “advice” guy – you know, the one that sees you doing an exercise, and insists on showing you some half-assed way that would probably lead to injury. I once overheard one of these guys tell a person that you should never drink water while working out!
I try to avoid eye contact with these guys, they are usually just waiting for someone to talk to them, (just to talk about themselves) wasting what little time you already have.
Chuck
at 10:04 pm
Don’t forget these ones (I used to personal train in my university days):
1) “Wild Kingdom” – grunts like a wild animal, and even worse than a women’s tennis match.
2) “Ms. Going Through The Motions” – how about those ladies who lift a 2-lb dumbbell about 50 times without breaking a sweat because they actually THINK it’s doing something? Scared to death of looking manly.
3) “The Flash” – running faster than you, for way longer than you on the treadmill. They make you feel like a lazy ass because you were done after 10 minutes.
4) “The Juice Bar Guy” – nuff said. Usually a combination of Former Glory/Drug Test/Barbed Wire Tatoo… add some frosted tips, a fake tan and cut-off sleeves…
5) “Heave-Ho” – the people whose spines are made of Slinky, who try to lift 50% more than they’re capable of, by swinging weights like a Caper Toss.
6) “Filthy McNasty” – the guy whose clothes should be burned… yellow stains, holes in the shirt, and you can smell them coming from across the room. Like hockey equipment in motion. Laundry for them is a luxury, not a requirement.
… and who could forget the look on the face of the “First Timer”… you can spot them a mile away. 🙂
David Fleming
at 10:15 pm
@ Michael
Hmm…if that’s what you think, then you don’t know me at all…
Camila
at 4:17 pm
Great post, made my day,
add to the category the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KmfE7B0aP4&feature=player_embedded
I see this classic in my gym every week.
emusilvnsi
at 1:00 am
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