I just had to!  It’s just too damn easy!

Every day, another developer thinks up a silly name for a condo, and I, for one, don’t think we should let them off the hook without laughing at their expense…

Let me preface this post by saying that just because I make fun of the condo’s name does not mean that I dislike that building!

In fact, many of the condos on this list are buildings I actively sell in, and as you’ll see by the #1 stupid condo name at the bottom, I’m not picking favorites here.

I just don’t want people emailing and saying, “How can you make fun of my condo name?  The Crap Lofts is a totally normal name for a building!

I’m not picking on you, or your investment, or even your building!  Just the name, that may or may not get attention…

#10 – “ZIP”
80 Western Battery Road

See!  I have three clients here alone!  I’m not picking favorites!

But ZIP?  Really?

ZIP?  It sounds like “zit,” and that reminds me of 1995 to 1998 when my life was in ruins…

Zip, Zap, Zop.  What’s the difference?  Why is this word going to help lure in buyers?  What was the marketing that went into this?  Were you able to simply zip over to the grocery store which was a quick jaunt away?  Were you expected to zipline over the Go Train tracks?

#9 – “ZED LIFE”
38 Niagara Street

Zed.

I’ve seen Zed, and I’ve seen Zed Life, but either way, it’s a little questionable.

Zed?  As in the 26th letter of the (Canadian) alphabet?

Or Zed as in the character from Pulp Fiction who took a…..um, “liking” to Ving Rhames and Bruce Willis in the basement of a pawn shop?

“Zed?  It’s Maynard.  Yeah.  The spider just caught a couple of flies.”

Wow, I just shuddered a little bit…

If “Zed Life” the building is anything like “Zed’s life in Pulp Fiction,” then count me OUT!

I know that Zen was already taken by the development on Camden Street, so perhaps the developers here just used some white-out on their marketing material and changed one letter?  They they added “Life” just to further emphasize that

#8 – “SAVOY AT CAMELOT”
16 Dallimore Circle

Camelot is a mythical castle that is associated with the legendary King Arthur.  Its presence in romance novels has been well documented, and it’s been mentioned in countless Hollywood films.  In fact, I have a strong recollection of Sean Connery saying, “…..and they called it ‘Camelot’…” in one of his films, in his distinct Brih-ish accent.

So I guess what I’m saying is that when you talk about mythical castles, King Arthur, centuries of lore, and movie stars, you’re setting the bar pretty high.

I haven’t sold in this building, but just judging from the photo, I can tell you that any comparison to Camelot is likely overblown.

Savoy is a beautiful region of the French alps, so combining “Savoy” and “Camelot” is REALLY setting the bar high!

The only thing more overblown would be “The Condo That God Himself Built,” although I think that’s being designed by Concord Adex as we speak.

#7 – “DNA”
1 Shaw Street & 1005 King Street

Deoxyribonucleic acid is is a nucleic acid containing the genetic instructions used in the development and functioning of all known living organisms.

Apparently, it is also a great name for a condominium development!

DNA1 and DNA2 are located in King West, and DNA3 is being built as we speak.

Lost somewhere in the hundred-or-so transactions every year in these extremely popular buildings is the obvious question: who named this after a term we learned in grade nine science?

Was “Mitochondrion” taken?

What about “Nucleus?”  Is Nucleus Condos taken?  Actually, that’s not bad.  I can see the ads already: “Nucleus condos: be in the CENTRE of the city.”

#6 – “CRYSTAL BLU”
21 Balmuto Street

Blu with no “e?”

I guess I just don’t understand marketing, do I?

When I was bartending in 1998, Crystal Blue was a drink, made from one ounce of vodka, a half ounce of Blue Curaco, and a half ounce of amaretto.  I memorized about a hundred drinks in order to earn my way behind the bar, and in the end, most people just ordered Molson Canadian.  I think I made one or two Crystal Blue’s in an entire year.

What does this condo have to do with:
a) crystal
b) the colour blue?

But as we see from some of the following, many condo names are based on absolutely NOTHING!

#5 – “REZEN”
205 Frederick Street

As I said – I’m being honest here, and naming buildings with silly names, even if I’ve sold in here, or even owned in here!

I love this building.  I think it’s a great location, exceptional design, and the prices are quite reasonable.  I have done about ten deals here.

HOWEVER, “Rezen” is such a ridiculous name!  What does it mean?  You can Google it, but nothing comes up except the condo.

And how is it meant to be pronounced?

Is it a soft “s” like the word “reason?”

Or is it a hard “s” like the “resin” on your fingertips after reading the newspaper?

I think it’s the latter, but many of my clients (including those who live in the building) have pronounced it “reason,” as if it’s meant to be “Reee-zen.”

In any event, I think this is one of the most under-valued buildings in the downtown core.  And just so you know I’m not biased – I sold my condo here three years ago.

#4 – “YUPPY”
7 Bishop Avenue

A “yuppie” refers to the acronym “Y-U-P” or “young urban professional” that describes upper middle class individuals in their late 20’s or early 30’s who are self-absorbed, hungry for social status, and enjoy the cultural attractions of sophisticated urban life.

That’s great.

But it’s yuppie, not yuppy.

Whoever named this condo couldn’t spell, and named the condo after a small fish called a “guppy.”

The name “Yuppie Condo” might be funny and ironic if it referred to a chic downtown high-rise where units run $800/sqft.

But in this condo, where units regularly trade around $350/sqft, it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

And, it’s spelled wrong.  Did I mention that already?  “S-P-E-L-L C-H-E-C-K.”

#3 – “N1”
15 Fort York Boulevard

N1?

What about J3, Q6, or G5?

Is this just a random letter and a random number, or does it have meaning?

Should we assume that a subsequent building called “N2” is on the way, followed by “N3?”  Or is this really just the result of a dart thrown at a board that has all 26 letters of the alphabet, followed by something similar for the ten digits?

Names of neighbouring buildings like Neo, Montage, and Parade are pretty meaningless too, but this one is even more meaningless, which really makes a statement…

#2 – “HOME”
383 Ellis Park Avenue

This was the condo that sparked the idea for the “Top Ten: Ridiculous Condo Names,” and it’s absolutely ridiculous.

It’s trying to be smart, but it’s a bit too simple.

They’re trying to play off everybody’s most comfortable place in the world: home.

What’s better than “home?”  I dunno….maybe “being cozy in the winter,” or perhaps “cute baby pandas,” or “your favorite cute baby nephew when you can’t conceive children of your own.”

It’s just too easy to say, “I’m going home……to home.”

It’s like the exact opposite of that bar called “My Office.”  My mother explained to me, when I was seven years old, that the bar was named as such so that a man can drink all night in the establishment, tell his wife on the phone, “I’m at my office,” and never really lie to her.  Yes, that’s the kind of honesty my parents raised me with…

#1 – “VU”
112-116 George Street

Yes, I’m choosing my own building as the most ridiculous condominium name in the city.

Vu?

Is it pronounced “View” or “Voo”?

Nobody seems to know.

And if it really is “view,” then what are they bragging about?  Only a handful of units have a fabulous view, and some of the units that look into the courtyard from the lower floors have absolutely terrible views!

And if it is “voo,” then what does that mean?

The “U” on “VU” has the umlaut, seen here:

So does that mean it is, indeed, Voooo?

How many condos in Toronto have a freakin’ umlaut, let alone any punctuation at all?  That alone makes this one absolutely ridiculous…