Have you heard of one of these mechanical contraptions?  Apparently, it has two wheels, no engine, and doesn’t require gasoline!

Wonder-mayor, David Miller, has once again changed the landscape of our city with yet another controversial initiative.

After discussing the new bike lanes on Jarvis Street, I’m going to recommend my top five candidates to replace Mr. Miller…

Mmmmmm…….I can almost taste the crunchy-granola from here!

Imagine eating crunchy-granola every single day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner like our astute mayor, David Miller, presumably does.  He’s a sucker for the arts, the environment, and hemp backpacks, so one could only assume he’s a born-again hippie.

Before you assume that I’m about to go off on a rant about our mayor and his implementation of the new bike lanes on Jarvis Street (which I am), consider that I rode my bike to and from campus every single day for four years while attending McMaster University in Hamilton.

It didn’t matter how much rain, snow, or golf-ball-sized hail was coming down from the sky, I never missed a day in four years.  Not one, single day.  I remember during a huge snowstorm in 1999 where I actually carried my bike four blocks because the snow was almost waist-deep.

I haven’t ridden a bike since I finished school.  I wonder if I would even remember how to ride a bike?  Well, I’m sure you don’t forget.  I’m sure it’s……well……just like riding a bike…

Aaah, David Miller!

You’ve finally given me something else to scold you for!

Forget about the double land-transfer-tax, tearing down the Gardiner expressway, or the new tax on paying tax for taxy taxpayers.  His new initiative is his best yet!

Miller is going to take the main traffic artery in the city, and sever it like an episode of CSI.

He’s going to take the main north-south street in the downtown core; the one that connects to Mount Pleasant; the one that connects uptown to downtown, and squeeze five lanes into four to fit in a bicycle lane.

Okay.

Jarvis Street has always been one of the most innovative and effective streets in the city for traffic flow, since the centre lane can be changed from south to north with those green arrows and red x’s flashing above, depending on the time of day.

Jarvis Street has always been the unofficial “best” street in the city for navigating uptown or downtown.

And now, because Mr. Miller rides his bike to work every day and is a proponent of environmental responsibility, we’re going to reduce the five lanes on Jarvis Street to four and create a bottle-neck that can probably only be solved……by more taxes.

Ha!  Okay, just kidding.  More taxes won’t solve anything, although Miller will probably try anyways…

I’m not evil, nor am I unsympathetic to the environmental cause.  But this is like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Miller is solving one problem by creating another.

And it’s not like we were experiencing record-lows for traffic and gridlock in Toronto lately!

What concerns me the most about this new, ingenious plan (other than the fact that the vote was 29-16 in favor, meaning we’re at the mercy of 28 other like-minded individuals on a bevy of other issues) is the fact that we have a harsh, brutal winter in Toronto when these new bicycle lanes probably won’t be used.

I mean sure, I rode my bike to campus every single day from 1997-2002, but this isn’t a contest…..is it?

Today is June 1st, and while the sunshine and pleasant chirp of the birds will undoubtedly inspire a host of fair-weather riders to get on their Trek, Norco, or Bush Pilot, what the hell are we going to do with those lanes in the WINTER?

I can just imagine sitting in my car in January, in rush hour, in gridlock, and looking to my right and seeing an un-used lane with David Miller’s face on it.

I’m a bad man, I know.  I’m a meanie, I’m aware.

But this move towards being more environmentally-friendly does come at a cost, and it’s almost as if the rest of us are made to feel bad for wanting or needing to drive our cars 24/7.

I’m sorry that the jet-pack that runs on my own sense of self-satisfaction has yet to be invented.   But I’m sure when it is, David Miller will probably tax the sky or put some sort of limitations on its use.

And what studies have been done to support the new bike lanes?  Show me some statistics about the number of potential riders, the reduction in reliance on cars, or how about a study on the new traffic flow on Jarvis?

I’m sure Miller has his supporters, but I keep asking myself, “When the hell is the next municipal election?”

I have no idea who is actually going to run against him, but here are five people I would vote for:

#5: Hazel McCallion

After eleven consecutive terms as mayor of Mississauga, with a whopping 92% of the vote, it’s safe to say that Hurricane Hazel is doing a bang-up job out there in Mississauga.  Is there any way we can lure her away?  Can we give her David Miller’s bike as a house-warming gift, maybe adding some pink-tassels or fuzzy-stickers?

#4: Mel Lastman

I would rather be put in a pot of boiling water with natives dancing all around me than see David Miller serve another term as our city’s mayor.  I’d rather bring back “Mayor Mel.”  Sure, while he was repeatedly embarrassed us on the international stage and had his fair share of bone-headed initiatives, but after a decade of Miller, who’s better than Mel?  “Nooooooooooobody!”

#3: Jane Pitfield

I voted for her once, and I would do it again.  I’m constantly haunted by the “what if” with respect to the 2006 municipal election.  What if Jane Pitfield had prevailed over David Miller; how would our city’s landscape be different?  What initiatives, policies, and legislation would she have brought to the table?  Surely we would be better off, no?

#2: My Mommy

What she lacks in political experience, she makes up for with an incredible array of food at Sunday brunch!  Maybe she couldn’t come up with a better municipal budget, but she could hem your pants, give you left-overs, and send you cheerful emails!

#1: Anybody?

I’m convinced that the reason David Miller won the last mayoral election was because there was nobody to run against him (with all due respect to Ms. Pitfield).  Surely there is another abled-body that can serve in the same City Hall where our city servants are hard at work doing important, productive things…..like turning vending machines around backwards and blocking them with hockey tape to protest the water-pepsi switch!  (click here)

Somebody?

Anybody?

Aaaaaah forget it.  I may as well just run out and buy a bike…