Perhaps I’ve touched on this subject before in the past, but we can rejuvenate the discussion now that the busy Fall market is under way and Realtors are already writing their listing captions.

Here are a slew of awful MLS description cliches that still bother me…

Advocates of these useless slogans might argue that they’re not to be taken as literally as I examine them below.  They might also argue that my sarcasm is off the charts, and I’m not looking at these phrases logically.

But I might argue that these are a complete and utter waste of time and space.

I might argue that on the MLS listing, we have 463 characters, including spaces, where we can describe the house or condo.  So why waste them?

I’ve always been a fan of introducing the neighbourhood with something like, “Welcome To Leslieville!”  But the other 420-ish characters will be used to describe the home.

I figure that buyers are interested in the heating, plumbing, electrical, roof, wiring, and anything else that will affect the value of the home.

What upgrades are there?  I like seeing: Recent Improvements Include Roof (2011), Downspouts (2011), Hardwood Flooring (2010), High-Efficiency Furnace (2009).

Isn’t this more informative and useful than: Sit On Your Front Porch And Chit Chat While You Watch The World Go By?

Regardless, there are Realtors out there that know how to write a good MLS caption (my colleague Steven Fudge is the best in the business), and there are Realtors who are feigning as the next F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“Wrap Yourself In An Inferno Of Beholdment As You Gander At The Everpresent Whimsy That Is 123 Mabel Street.”

Snicker if you want to, but there are so many Realtors out there that don’t know the difference between and adjective, noun, verb, and the like.

But then there are the short, choppy cliches that Realtors throw into the MLS captions that drive me insane.

Here are the most common:

“Show And Sell”

This one always bothered me because it begs the question, “Well what else am I going to do?”

Listing a property for sale on the open market and instructing Realtors to “show and sell” is like putting a sign on the toilet that says “pee in here.”  Did you expect people would drink the water?  Maybe store some valuables in the bottom of the bowl?

It’s a waste of space, and borderline insulting that you need to tell your colleagues that they should show this property to their clients and then attempt to sell it to them.  That’s what we do for a living!

“Shows AAA+++”

What does AAA+++ mean?

I remember back from high school and university – an A+ is 90% or better.  So what is an A++?  Or what is an AA++?

We’re not rating eggs here, and we’re not rating the credit worthiness of the United States (although Moody’s and Standard & Poor’s might disagree…).  So isn’t AAA+++ as stupid as saying, “I’ll give 110%?”  Isn’t that physically impossible?

I once got 66 out of 60 on a Grade Eleven economics test, since my teacher always loaded the tests with bonus marks.  The tests were ridiculously hard, and the bonus marks gave most people a chance to try and get up to a respectable grade.  But since I spent my high school years studying instead of  talking to girls, I was able to consistently get 110% on these tests.

I don’t know how you can have 110% of a house…

“No Need to Inspect”

Says who?

A lawyer might argue that if an unrepresented buyer walked in off the street and read this caption on the MLS listing, the listing agent could be liable under an “impled agency relationship.”

As for buyers that are represented, perhaps they should let their own agent decide if the house needs an inspection.

“Smoke and mirrors” is a term I use a lot to describe houses that are meticulously cleaned and staged, but have huge red flags.

“Show Your Fussiest Buyer”

Something I learned a long time ago – all buyers are fussy! 🙂

But seriously, this is one of those useless directions that is meaningless in practice.  I show properties to buyers who are interested in that type of property.  I’ll show $1.2 Million homes in Lawrence Park to people who are looking for $1.2 Million homes in Lawrence Park!  I won’t find this listing, see the caption, and the take John & Judy who are annoying as hell and bring them through the home even though they’re looking in Bloor West…

“This One Won’t Last Long”

As soon as I see this caption, I know with complete and utter certainty that this unit will last long!

In fact, I almost take this as a sarcastic approach to lasting an awful property, an over-priced property, or BOTH!

Alternatively, sometimes Realtors will under-price a home, set an offer date, and then use this caption.  In that respect, instead of saying “Won’t Last Long,” you may as well say, “Will Last Exactly Eight Days And Will Sell On September 16th With Absolute Certainty.”

“Act Quickly”

Same as above, just a more efficient use of characters.

You should know that if a house is really worth seeing, they don’t need t0 write “Act Quickly.”  Today’s buyer is so well informed that the moment a great listing hits MLS, that buyer is already emailing his or her agent!  Buyers are already acting quickly, as are the agents.

“Move In And Enjoy”

Phew!  I’m glad they told me to move in and enjoy, because without this direction, I likely would have moved in and sulked for a while.

In fact, I might not have moved in at all!  I might have just bought the house and then held on to it for an indeterminate period of time.

But what about how to enjoy the home?  Can I get suggestions on that? 

Maybe something like, “Oooooh, Sip Champagne In Your Backyard Hot Tub And Watch The Neighbours Through The Windows.”  I think I’ve seen that one before…

“Designer Magazine Worthy!”

Well, not quite.

Because if it was really worthy of being in a designer magazine, it would be.

Perhaps what’s going on here is you’ve purchased several throw pillows from Home Sense and borrowed some art books from your friend Antoine, and you figure that this is how houses show in magazines.  Close, but not quite.

In fact, about 50% of listings for “modern” houses that have been staged will say something about being “magazine worthy” or having “designer flair.”

I love scented candles, willows, lemons & limes, and Jamie Kennedy cook books as much as the next person, but if everybody is doing it, how can it be unique?