One of the first blog posts I ever wrote back in the spring of 2007 was a sarcastic look at the movie-star names for each unit at Festival Tower.

A little over two years later, I’m astonished to see how much prices have risen for the Nicholson unit!

Don’t worry – my sarcasm hasn’t fleeted in the past two years!  I still have some cynical observations to make about the marketing used for this project, but I’d also like to analyze the on-paper return on investment for the last 25 months…

What do you want first – the good news, or the bad news?

By that, I mean what do you want first – the sarcasm and banter, or the serious analysis of the project as an investment?

Let’s have some fun…. 

Let’s play a game of association.

What do you think of when you see this image:

Personally, the first thing I think of is…..buying a condo!

This photo comes from the brochure put forth by Daniels Corp. to sell the remaining units at Festival Tower.

It clearly worked on me!

When I see those smooth, muscular hamstrings and that perfectly shaped behind, I think to myself, “Man, I gotta buy a condo!”

And the photo in the top right-hand corner of this guy that could easily be me; showing a woman (whose breast happens to be hanging out) how to shoot pool – this also tells me “For chrissakes David, run out and buy a condo!”

I took one look at this glossy, 40-page brochure and I’m immediately lured in by the salesmanship and marketing intended to attract the yuppiest of yuppies.

I don’t concern myself with things like “return on investment” when smooth legs and boobs are thrust in my face!

How about this photo below:

This is another image I scanned from the brochure for Festival Tower.

This image clearly shows me that if I buy a condo at Festival Tower, I will never go another day as a single man!

Stage right – we have a man and a woman alone in the hot tub.  Look at the woman’s face (maybe the scanned image doesn’t show it as well), but her eyes are closed, she is smiling, and clearly her senses are tingling!

Stage front – we have a man pushing himself out of the water, rib-cage exposed, abs glistening as the water drips off his $300 haircut.  And nary a chest hair to be found!  But we aren’t concerned with why he’s getting out of the pool when the only two other people swimming happen to be gorgeous women…

Centre stage – we have an impromptu meeting between future spouses (and ex-spouses) who are drinking by the poolside even though glassware isn’t allowed.  Note her posture as she’s leaning into him, back arched, and smiling while they examine eachother’s 5.5% body fat.  Your days of meeting people at bars are over!  All you have to do is hit the pool at Festival Tower, and within minutes you’ll be sharing fruity, colorful drinks and making wedding plans!

Centre stage, behind – we have two women, alone, who are sunbathing, alone.  Did I mention they were alone?  You have your choice between the gorgeous brunette to the left who happens to have TWO glasses of red wine on the table next to her (one for her, and one for….you?), and the gorgeous blonde to the right in the pink bathing suit who is striking a pose for nobody in particular.  OR, maybe the pose is for…….you?

Back Stage – this is where the magic always happens! 

To the left in the cabana, you can see yet another couple getting to know eachother.  The man is wearing a tank-top and sandals while holding a beer (Bud Light lime, maybe?) and the woman is wearing an Oscar De La Renta evening gown.  She has red hair, FYI.

In the middle, you have two more gorgeous women; a blonde in a pink bikini and a brunette in a blue bikini top with a white coat – let’s focus on her.  Maybe I’m missing something here but does she think she is on the runway?  She’s posing for some imaginary cameras, which isn’t that big a deal since all these people seem to be, but she’s really working this runway hard as she opens her white coat and holds the pose as she undoubtedly looks left, then right, for all to see.  “Friggin L.A. models….if they were any good, they’d be in New York…”

And finally to the right, we have the 2:1 ratio that every man is looking for.  The guy in the middle is being fought over by these two women – one who holds a glass of wine and pretends to be tipsy as to lure this man in, and the other wears a funky hat and a sarong to show the man her crazy, care-free side which he can learn from when he’s not busy making mergers and acquisitions at work.

Ladies and gentleman – the pool at Festival Tower!

If marketing works, then I think about 95% of the units in this building were purchased by single men between 25 – 35 years old.

But men aren’t the only targets of this project!

Clearly, they’re going after anybody with money!

In the brochure, they set forth three “scenes” which they call “A Day In The Life” corresponding to residents of Festival Tower.

Allow me to repeat these three scenes verbatim, and provide my commentary below…

SCENE ONE:

Handsome, 30ish, investment banker awakes in his king-sized bed at Festival Tower to the sound of his alarm clock.  he bolts upright and punches his speed dial to the Resident Services Director.  “Dana?  Can you have the restaurant send up coffee, eggs over easy, and a multi-grain roll?”  He hangs up and dials the doorman.  “Hello, Sylvio.  I’m running a bit late this morning.  Can you have my car in front by 8:30?  Great.  Thank you.”  One more number, “Hey, George.  My double-breasted blue suite, is it ready?”  I need it tonight.  Perfect.  You can leave it with the concierge and I’ll get it later.  Thanks.”

Well, if you’re looking to spend $500,000 for a 1-bedroom condo in downtown Toronto, then I should hope you’ll take advantage of the services as described above!  Oh, wait, I forgot – you can’t buy a parking space unless you spend close to $700,000 on your unit…

SCENE TWO:

Sophisticated woman is walking briskly along King Street with her cell phone to her ear.  “Hello – Dana?  Can you please arrange for a dog walker for me?  I’ll need the service twice a day.  Great.  Have them contact me on my cell.  Thanks a million!  Ciao…”

So this snobby, late-20’s woman who is browsing the shops of King West as she looks to trade in her D&G sunglasses for Prada can’t tear herself away from her life of self-absorbtion long enough to walk her own dog?

And since when did the cell-phone-glued-to-the-head become something worth bragging about?

Her next phone call to “Dana” was probably to ask for a kid-walker since she can’t get out of Moshka Yoga until 5:30…

SCENE THREE:

Distinguished-looking mature couple is sitting in their seats at the Tower Cinema, awaiting the start of a film.  In the moments before the film begins, a conversation takes place.  “I’ve asked Dana to arrange for a housekeeper for Thursday this week.  I have the ladies coming in for lunch on Friday,” she says.  “Certainly, dear,” replies her husband.  “What are you serving?”  “I’ve arranged with the restaurant’s in-suite catering to take care of everything – poached salmon with watercress and a marvelous cheese tray.”

So here we have…….my biggest nightmare.  If my wife ever looks as country-club as those three women above, please expose me for the fraud that I will have become.

Poached salmon with watercress, you say?  It reminds me of a line from American Psycho – “New York Matinee called it ‘a playful but mysterious little dish.'”

So it that it?

Is that really it?

Is that all that I have to say about the marketing and advertising for Festival Tower?

Perhaps you’ll be suprised to hear that despite the sarcastic review I’ve just completed of the project and it’s ridiculous brochure, I’m actually going to spend tomorrow reviewing the building in a positive light.

Not only have the prices at Festival Tower gone up dramatically since their launch, but there are many things I like about the project.

I just couldn’t resist making fun of the brochure!  I mean, come on!  I know that sex sells, and we use it to sell everything from cars to beer to deodorant, but I think we reached a new low in the condominium industry with the way we’ve sold Festival Tower and the pool filled with hot half-naked men and women…

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post…