MLS never seems to amaze me, although I suppose it’s the people who write these captions that should be ridiculed.

P.S. – Who would win a staring contest between a dog and a baby?

I’m always amazed at what I see in MLS write-ups, but then when I really think about it, I suppose I’m not surprised by an of it.

Here are a handful that I’ve picked off in the last couple weeks.  I’ll comment after you read them, just to see if you picked out what I did…

1) Smart Cars!

Did you read?

“Extra Large Parking Spot Can Fit 4 Smart Cars”

I’ve never seen anything like it!

Quite often on MLS, you’ll see “Tandem Parking Space Fits 2 Cars,” but never have I seen four Smart Cars!

The sellers, or the agent, or both, must really be environmentally-friendly!

Then again, does four Smart Cars not equal one gas-guzzling SUV?

Oh, and more importantly, WHO THE HELL HAS FOUR SMART CARS?

I get some pretty bizarre requests from time-to-time when I start dialogue with new clients, but I’ve never had a client tell me, “I need to find a condominium unit that has parking for four Smart Cars.”  That would most definitely be a first.

And is this even allowed?  What does the Condominium’s Declaration and Rules & Regulations say about parking FOUR cars in one parking space?  Can the owner get FOUR garage door openers?

I honestly hoped that this was a joke, but you know what?  I don’t think it is.  I think the agent thought this was shrewed marketing…

2) Dance The Night Away

Phew!

LOT going on here…

“Don’t Waste Money On Design Magazines Or Home Show!  Come To This Real Life House – All Modern Trends Are At Your Feet.”

Modern trends, eh?

What type of modern trends are in the home?  You know – the kind that you might see in design magazines or home shows?

“Pretty Woman Newly Wed To Wealthy Guy Rules The Show Here.”

Right.

So…..what the hell does that mean?

Is that even English?

And which magazine can I see this in?

Oh wait – now I see the magazine-worthy trend: “Basement Apartment Currently Done As Dance Bar”

THAT’S IT!

If you’ve read any design magazine lately, or if you’ve been to any home shows, you know that having a dance bar in your basement is all the rage these days.  Some houses go up for sale and included in Chattels & Fixtures are “Disgruntled Bouncer To Work Front Door” and of course “Drunken Shooter Girl Who Falls Down.”

Too bad they’re excluding “Chandeliers That Are Good For Princess Castle.”

If I ever had a daughter, I would ensure that her princess castle had a dance bar in the basement…

3) Discount Broker?

Here’s one I found yesterday, so pay special attention to the dates.

If you hired a Realtor, and paid him or her 5% of the sale price of your home, would you expect that they’d check the listing once per month?

This listing is advertising “Public Open House Sat Apr 27 & Sun Apr 28.”

The only problem is that today is June 4th.

Oh….wait….maybe this is 2014…

4) See The Stars!

This is a tricky one!

The problem, of course, is that the listing agent spelled the name of the building wrong!

This caption is for a listing in my building at 112 George Street, known as “Vu.”

But in the second line of the caption, we see “Vh”

And you know what?  That’s not even the point of this caption!

The point is that they’ve written “5 Star Building,” when in fact, there is nothing 5-star about this place.

I love my building, but to call it “5 Star” is like calling my dog a supermodel.

And how does the listing agent get away with this?  Isn’t some sort of proof, or designation necessary?  You can’t say, “Leed Certified Platinum Building” if the building doesn’t have that designation, so what do we make of this “Five Star” nonsense?  Is there a ranking system somewhere that provide stars?  Or should we just assume that when somebody says, “This House Has Everything,” that it really does have everything?

5) The-Saurus

I know that making fun of spelling mistakes is the lowest form of criticism, but this listing is for a business, and I’d like to think that the seller here could set a good example.  A good business person, who is selling a successful business, could probably spell.

I counted EIGHT spelling and grammar mistakes, and some of these are pretty important!

I mean, you’re selling a HOTEL, so how in the hell can you spell “Hotel” wrong?

It’s like a Lexus dealership putting up a banner that reads, “Lexxas Spring Sale Event.”  Do you think that would be good for business?

And what is an “Uub” anyways?

Is that supposed to say “Club?”

Are we really supposed to fill in the blanks?  Make assumptions about what this seller is advertising, and what their business includes?

How would ANY potential investor be turned on by this listing?  Oh please, tell me more about the “Dinnnning Room!”

If there really was “Pride of Ownership,” they might have hired a homeless person to proof-read this thing.

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If any of you spot some classic MLS captions, please send them my way!