I’m not saving the best for last. I just can’t!
I can’t risk your eyes not feasting upon the worst MLS “blurb” I have seen in a long time.
There’s a lot that an agent can mess up in the 463 characters we’re provided for the “Client Remarks,” and the 240 characters for “Extras,” as well as the oh-so-secret “Brokerage Remarks.”
Incorrect spelling, punctuation, or grammar. Laughable statements. Over-selling. Misunderstanding the offer process. You name it.
This one, however, has them all!
“Aaa Brand New Property” – Why the use of Aaa? Why do people do this? And yes, it’s brand-new. Many houses are.
“A True Masterpiece” – Overselling, but it’s also not a masterpiece. It’s an awful house.
“Best Functionality” – I don’t even know what this means.
“3 Master Bdrm” – How can you have three master bedrooms? The very definition of a ‘master bedroom’ would only allow for one.
“Timeless Design” – Now you’re just looking up ‘marketing terms’ in a book and throwing them on the listing. There’s nothing timeless about this home.
“Bsmt w/Full Room” – Again, I have no clue what this means.
“Look No Further” – Why, exactly? Am I going to find a timeless design?
“Aaa In Location” – I won’t get hung up on the word ‘in’ being incorrectly used, but rather the ‘Aaa’ again, plus there’s nothing superior about this location
“Priced To Sell” – Not what you want on a listing that’s rotting on the market.
“Brand New Appliances” – In a new home? Really? And here I thought you’d buy used appliances from Craigslist and place them in your timeless masterpiece!
“Garage Has A Potential For Beautiful Patio” – Where, like, on the roof? Beautiful! That’s where you want to hang out! But you forgot to mention that the roof of the house also has potential for a helipad.
“Inside Fully Completed” – Now you’re just bragging about things that aren’t worth writing home about, like the ‘brand new appliances.’ This is like bragging that you went out for dinner with a girl ‘who had all of her teeth.’
“Inside Fully Completed” – This isn’t a typo; it’s on there twice.
“Move In Right Away” – I never liked this type of ‘marketing,’ if you can call it that. Statements like ‘Move in and enjoy’ offer zero value.
“Seller Has The Right To Take Pre-Emptive Offers To His Liking” – This is actually kind of sad, since it shows that the agent has no idea how the market works. There is no offer date for this house, as it’s been on the market for months, thus there is zero notion of a ‘pre-emptive offer.’
Phew! I’m tired!
Can I ask the readers of Asian decent: – would you be lured in by this obvious attempt to capitalize on the culture’s positive views of the number eight?
Bottles of “San Pellegrino” are a classic feature of staging.
As are green apples, which appear on the kitchen counter in this photo:
But is a CLOSE-UP of the apples really a necessary photo for MLS?
Speaking of which, this entire condo was empty, except for these two items:
Leave the ENTIRE condo empty, but make sure you put out green apples and San Pelly!
a) That this is a condo “den”
b) That the photo seems to have been taken from a spy-camera on the ceiling?
I see you!
It’s the one on the left, that you drew a red box around…
…….I’m not the only one who still uses Paint in Windows?
I wouldn’t change a single thing!
Just leave all the shoes, they add a level of “je ne sais quoi” to this home…
What unfinished bathroom?
Just stage the space in front with outdoor patio furniture, and nobody will notice!
Remember when the pandemic first began, and nobody could find toilet paper?
Well, I think I found it!
And this home-seller has absolutely no shame about showcasing his or her hoarding:
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”
So, while some people hoard toilet paper during a pandemic, others hoard Hello Kitty…
This is a pretty cool photo array for a house that has a very unique feature in the backyard…
That’s right – they have their very own wood-burning outdoor oven!
Home-made bread, pizza, and cherry tomatoes!
I’m sold. Like, actually. I need one of these asap.
Interesting photo array here for a property being sold with plans and permits:
I’m no NASA scientist here, but doesn’t the second photo look a lot like the first?
And don’t both of them have rendered-woman walking out of the house? Is this a ‘thing,’ like, to render a house and maybe some trees, but also the potential happy home-owner?
And the third photo adds oh-so-much value! “This is your home if we used white siding instead of grey.”
Amazing that this property is still for sale…
And last, but certainly not least, here’s your chance to be the only person on the block with one of these:
No, not the Weber barbecue.
No, not the neat, trim, back lawn.
Your very own observatory!
Before you ask, trust me, I checked for interior photos. Sadly, there were none.
Have a great long weekend, everybody!