Part one of this 2-part blog series was fun, but fun with words is nothing compared to fun with actual phrases!

Words are already existing.  They’re just misused, and overused.

Phrases are something that Realtors put together themselves, and it wouldn’t be out of the question to suggest that we Realtors like to invent terms that have no meaning, or invent terms and then misuse them.

Have a look, and as always, please feel free to add to the list…

“Possible Basement Apartment”

Isn’t any basement a potential basement apartment?

I mean, a backyard is a potential putting green or miniature football field, but you still have to turn it into one.

In my mind, a “potential basement apartment” should already have a kitchen, a bathroom, and a separate entrance from the street level.  Then all you need to do, in order to turn it into an apartment, is find a tenant!

But basically any property thrown onto MLS these days can claim to have a “potential basement apartment” so long is there is a basement!

“Roughed-In”

We see this all the time.

“Roughed-in kitchen,” or “roughed-in second bathroom.”

The only thing necessary to call it a “roughed-in kitchen” is a pipe sticking out of the wall.  Then you have to actually build a kitchen.  Man, that’s rough….

I was in a house last week that said “roughed-in basement kitchen,” on the MLS listing, and all that I found was a chalk-outline in the corner of the room in a 12 x 6 rectangle, with a sign that said “roughed-in kitchen.”

It wasn’t a roughed-in kitchen.

It was a spot in the corner of the room where a kitchen could go.

“Move-In Ready”

We see this a lot on MLS, and it can describe virtually any property, in any condition.

Ask somebody in a third world country if “move in ready” can apply to a home without new granite counters in the kitchen, or custom window coverings.  Isn’t ANY house move-in ready?  Doesn’t it just need electricity and running water?

I love when I see “move-in ready” in the description for new construction.  I mean, if a brand-new house isn’t move-in ready, then what is?

Move In And Enjoy!

Really?

What a novel idea!  Thanks!

My plan was to buy the house, sit in a lawn chair every day and stare at it for hours on end, and wonder why my satisfaction level is lacking.

But now I can have my cake, and eat it too!  Thanks!

“Custom Built” or “Custom Home”

Isn’t any house a custom-house?

Unless houses are built on conveyor belts in Omaha, Nebraska, and shipped by flat-bed truck to Toronto for installation, then EVERY house is a custom house!

Somewhere along the line, somebody had to make choices, decisions, and put ideas into action.  That is called “customization.”

The true idea of a “custom-built house” in Toronto is one where an end-user has bought a piece of land, and hired an architect, designer, and builder to construct their home to suit.  Then this house, years later, is put on the market and termed a “custom-built house.”

But we see this in many, many other places.

Think of a developer that builds twelve houses a year and puts “custom-built house” in the MLS listing.  Who did you custom build this for?

“No Expense Spared”

I disagree.

The roof isn’t made of ivory, the toilet isn’t made of gold, and there are no elves.

If you were truly sparing no expense, there would be elves.

In fact, the ivory roof would have been installed by elves, with the help of unicorns.

Unicorns are expensive, FYI, and thus, you simply cannot claim “no expense spared.”

“Cathedral-Like Ceilings”

Have you ever been to a cathedral?

Really?  You have?

So……..then how come the ceilings in the house you’re selling, and marketing as “cathedral-like ceilings,” aren’t made of 500-year-old stained glass, and weren’t hand-painted over the course of two decades by a world-renowned artist?

Oh wait – you meant “high ceilings,” instead of “cathedral-like ceilings.”

Right.  Those are two very different things.

I understand marketing the 14-foot ceilings in hard lofts, but isn’t “cathedral-like” a bit of a stretch?

I got this term – cathedral-like – from a condo listing that said, “cathedral-like 9 1/2 foot ceilings.”

Those aren’t really cathedral-ceilings.

They’re really just…….ceilings.

“Chef’s Kitchen” or “Gourmet Kitchen”

Do most chefs have IKEA?

My friend works at Gusto 101 on Portland Street, and I can say that the kitchen they have back there is nothing like what I see in $699,000 houses off the Danforth.

What do you need in today’s market to claim you have a “chef’s kitchen?”

Stove?  Check.
Fridge?  Check.
Counters?  Check.
Ummm…….floors?  Check.

“Gorgeous Chef’s Kitchen Will Delight Even The Most Discerning Buyer!”

Yes.  Sure it will…

“New York Style”

Cheesecake?  Mmmm….

Oh…..wait…..you meant the house in Toronto, that’s nothing like anything in New York.  Right.

Or the condo?  The crappy loft on King Street that isn’t remotely close to anything in New York state, let alone New York City?  Right.  That sure is “New York Style!”

I should call myself “Male Model Style.”

Gangam Style…

“Well Maintained”

Jesus.

I certainly hope you can maintain your house.  It’s your HOUSE!  It’s your largest asset!

What don’t we maintain?  I dunno, maybe the bike in our storage locker.  We should probably tune that baby up, give it some oil, and crank the chain.  Maybe personal hygiene?  Maintain that?

But a HOUSE?  I hope your house is “well maintained,” for the love of God!

And are we really marketing this?  “Well maintained?”  Is that the best thing we can find to say about this house?

Imagine going to an online dating site and saying, “My name is Ted, I’m 36-years-old, and I’m well maintained.”

If this is the very first thing you see on an MLS listing, chances are – this house is not well maintained.  Not even close.

“Newly Renovated”

“Family Home”

If a family moved into a condo, would it be a “family condo?”

Or let’s take the home example.  If a school of fish moved into that home, would it still be considered a “family home?”  Or something else?

By “family home,” most people mean “house.”

Perhaps it’s bought by a family.  But I put my feet in my shoes, and I don’t call them “feet shoes.”  I just call them “shoes.”

So why do we call a “house” a “family house” when a family might buy it?

What if some rich, single guy wants to buy it?  Is he allowed?

(or) “Build Your Dream Home”

I love this one!

I put “or” in brackets, because I love when “build your dream home” is preceded by “or,” as in the case where it reads, “Gorgeous Well Maintained Custom-Built Family Home Is Move-In Ready.  Or Build Your Dream Home.”

Soooo……..how can it be both?

How can it be move-in ready, but also make sense as a complete tear-down?

I see this a LOT, and it makes zero sense.  A knock-down is a knock-down.  Who spends the money on a “family home” and then knocks it down to build something else?  Unless you really don’t care about the the numbers adding up, it makes zero sense to me.

“Gut Renovation”

Do you know what a “gut reno” really is?

It’s a “down to the studs” reno.

And “down to the studs” means you rip out EVERYTHING except the 2 x 4’s in the walls.

You rip out the GUTS of the house.  Not just the floors, but the sub-floors too!

And yet, we constantly see crappy flips listed on MLS where the buyer/owner/investor/genius has installed engineered hardwood flooring, pot lights, an IKEA kitchen, and new stainless steel appliances, and these homes are marketed as “gut renovations.”

That so-called “renovator” would hate to go for an operation at Sunnybrook to remove an impediment in his gut, only to have the surgeon say, “I shaved my initials into the hair on your stomach, put a band-aid on the cut on your knee, and added some liquid Gravol to your intravenous tube.  You should be fine.”

–

Well folks, that was fun.

Something tells me we’ll be at this again, really soon.

As an aside – have any of the men out there experienced arthritis in the ring-finger about nine months after getting married?  Man, I’m in a world of pain.  I can barely type!  I know, I know, “first world problems.”  But something tells me if I come home without wearing the ring, my wife is going to see to it that I lose the finger altogether…