“I live in a condo because it comes with zero maintenance, unlike the upkeep on a house!”

Well, some of us can’t make the same claim.

Especially when you have a massive patio that you’ve turned into a forest.  Spring is here, so it’s time to roll up my sleeves…

No, that’s no my patio.

But wouldn’t it be cool if it was?

That patio, er, “terrace,” belongs to a condo at 20 Blue Jays Way that just wont sell!  It’s about 1200 square feet and the maintenance on the plants and shrubs is actually taken care of by the property manager at the building.

Wow.

I wish I was that lucky!

My poor-man’s version of this terrace above is my own 440 square foot patio where I barbecue in the winter and practice my putting in the summer.

But after a long winter’s nap, there is much, much work to be done.

This weekend, I ventured outside like a bear cub after hibernation, and assessed the work that needed to be done.

First thing’s first: maybe it’s time to get rid of that Christmas tree:

I assure you, it looked much better with lights and ornaments inside my condo, where it stayed until about March…

Next, I think it’s time to assess the damage.

While I’m no John Bartram (okay fine, I Googled him), I’d like to think that I know a thing or two about botany.

Like for example, which of these trees did not survive the winter:

Ummm….

Uhhhh…..

I think it’s the third one?

Actually, it’s probably all of them, as I can only assume the other two are slowly dying as well.  They just don’t look very happy.  Their body language is telling me so…

I think back to the summer of last, and try to recall what my planter boxes looked like.

Something like…..this:

And now, they look like this:

Next, it’s time to “unpack” the patio furniture, even though I didn’t really pack it up for winter.

I know some people spend $100 on those large blue tarps and a series of bungee-cords to cover up their patio set for the winter, but since my entire set of table, chairs, and umbrella was only $299 (on sale!) I decided to just neatly stack them like so:

I do a little landscaping, and chop up the trees that didn’t make it through the winter.

Apparently, these “Umbrella Trees” that I purchased last year at a mere cost of $29.99 each are something called “trop-ic-al” which require something called “light” and can’t survive the “win-ter.”

It’s a shame, really.  They went from looking like this:

To looking like this:

Finally, I gaze around my small paradise and try to envision things I’d like to improve upon this year.

For example, I’d really like to add a couple more trees to completely block out my neighbor.

See this photo below:

This shows the small space left in between my tree and the end of my planter box.  This forces me to occasionaly make indirect eye-contact with my neighbor, as she rocks on her veranda chain-smoking pot.

Now I’m not one to knock the cannabis consumption of others, but must one smoke it ALL day, EVERY day?  And when my neighbor isn’t smoking, she’s basically sitting on that chair rocking out and waiting for the clock to turn to 4:20.  God forbid she approaches me to make stoned-chatter about the state of the world economy, or suggest I borrow one of her books on how “the man” is bringing down the good common folk…

All that’s left to do now is clean up the mess of garbage people have thrown onto my patio during the last four months!

Well, I guess after reading this blog post, you can all draw one conclusion: I am a terrible gardener!

I had planned on defending myself, but after looking at this photo of all the dead trees and plants, I think I need a lesson in Gardening 101…