“And on the seventh day, God created the Blackberry 8700r and then he rested.”

But then, for some unknown reason, the public demanded the ability to plug their brains directly into their mobile phones and become one with their cellular devices.

Is there such a thing as “overdoing it?”

There it is, in all its glory.

The greatest piece of technology ever created!

The indubious, Blackberry 8700.

The single greatest mobile device of all time.

I’m a little upset with my brother right now.  It was decided, unofficially, that the two of us would share a magnificent bond: we would be the last two people on the planet who use the Blackberry 8700.  We figured it would take until about 2014, but we were in this thing for the long haul.  We both agreed that any Blackberry post-8700 was “needless” and thus we embarked upon this journey together.

But alas, tis not to be.

My brother showed up the other night with his new Blackberry “Tornado,” or whatever the new one is called.  It might be the “Lightning,” I’m not sure.  He claims that his work forced him to chuck the old one, but whatever the case, I’m now officially the only person I know who still uses the Blackberry 8700.

Where did this all begin?

I remember when I got my first full colour Blackberry about 4-5 years ago.  This was a serious turning point!

And when the 8700 came out, I thought this was as far as we needed to go.

The “Pearl” was next to follow, but who wants a device without separate keys for each letter?  It’s so hard to type!  And the whole “auto-text” feature is just ridiculous, unless you don’t see a difference between the words “Dave” and “Face.”

The “Curve” came out next and I didn’t care for this one either.  The trackball in the middle was completely useless.  The reason I will never get rid of the 8700 is because of the side trackwheel!

The trackwheel!

A generation of Blackberries followed….

“Tour”
“Storm”
“Bold”
“Snowflake”
“Earthquake”

But none could ever live up to the world-altering effect that the 8700 had.  And the 8700 didn’t even have a stupid name…

People always ask me about my 8700 and how I function with it.  But I answer their questions with questions.

“David – how many MP3’s can you store on your 8700?”  What?  I have an I-Pod for that…

“David – what type of videos do you shoot on your 8700?”  Huh?  I have a pocket flip-cam for that…

“David – how high is the resolution of the photos you can take on your 8700?”  Que?  I have a camera for that…

“David – is your Blackberry 3G?”  Che Cosa?  No, but it has a lot of cool buttons…

Do you see where this is going?

Of course, you’re about to tell me, “David, you’re being stubborn.  All of these devices can be combined into one better device, which is why you should get an updated Blackberry!”

Really?

Then how come my I-Pod doesn’t accept faxes?

In real estate, we need email, text messages, pages, and of course our phones.  I don’t see the need for all the other jazz.

I’m not what you’d call “anti-technology,” but I certainly don’t feel the need to keep up with technological advances that I would describe as “needless.”

I have 6,000 songs on my I-Pod, so why do I need a few on my mobile device?

My flip-cam and my camera are both very good quality, so why do I need a crappy version of that on my phone?  When I take photos or videos of houses, I bring a real camera or vid-cam with me.  I don’t need one on my phone, unless I’m one of those people who takes 65 photos of the goings-on of every single Friday or Saturday night in their lives and then uploads them to Facebook before you can wake up the next morning…

I guess I feel that the technological advances, in some respects, are quite invasive.

Have you seen the American commercial for one of the major carriers – Sprint, AT&T, or something; where they show the mom and the little girl in the mall?  This mother is apprehensive about sending her 12-year-old daughter out on her own to shop in the mall, but she breathes a sigh of relief when she picks up her phone and it shows a blinking beacon with the location of her daughter at all times!

How invasive!

Maybe I’m not a parent so I have no leg to stand on, but in the last 10,000 years of parenting, I’d say we got by just fine without radar-locators for our children!  I remember walking to corner store to buy baseball cards when I was seven years old.  My parents didn’t have this wonderful “3G Network” to track me on, but I’m still alive to tell the tale!

And how about the Rogers commercial where that constantly-annoying group of 20-somethings who don’t have jobs are shown sitting at the local outdoor patio waiting for their friend.  They question his whereabouts, then pull out their 3G phones, and low and behold, there’s another blinking radar beacon with his location!

The last thing in the world I want is for my friends, family, or anybody else to know where I am at all times!

I can just see my buddies enjoying a frosty beer at the local tavern and watching my every movement on their 3G phones!  “Hey, it looks like Dave is at the adult book store, again!”

What ever happened to privacy?

Who would ever sign on for that?  (other than a generation of tweens, pre-teens, and teens…)

I guess it depends on who you are, and what you’re into.  I don’t need to receive Tweets from the 12,855 people I’m following.  I wonder if I can get Tweets on my 8700…

And let’s talk about durability for a moment.  Have you ever dropped the 8700 on the ground?  I have.  About 500 times!  That phone is unbreakable, trust me, I’ve conducted public demonstrations at bars and on street corners…

How many friends do you know that have a new model Blackberry with a smashed screen?  Well regardless, I have a few!  They may be super-technological, but they sure aren’t very well made!

People point to the I-Phone and all the amazing “apps” that it has.  They ask me, “What kind of games can you play on your 8700?”  What?  Who cares?  Who has that kind of time?  I guess if I were trapped in an elevator, I’d wish that my phone had Super Mario Brothers.  But how often do you find yourself wishing you had thirteen different kinds of poker on your phone?

I’ve been told all about the new “I-Pad,” and I’ll save you that rant.

But just one question if I can.  How come the new “I-Pad,” in all its glory, isn’t also a phone?

The I-Pad plays movies!  Yeah, so does my TV and DVD player, and it’s not four inches wide.

The I-Pad has music!  Yeah, so does my I-Pod, and it fits in my pocket.

I think the conclusion to this directionless opinion-piece is that as a society, one of our largest fears is being bored! 

Imagine having to wait for a bus without being able to plug into something?

I understand technological advances that are needed – like turning a black and white television into colour.

But I don’t need a refrigerator that can also play up too 100 MP3’s.

And I don’t care if my PHONE can play movies.

The Blackberry 8700 is all I need, and I’m sticking with it.

I’ve had clients look at me and my phone before and question my worth.  They look at their potential Realtor as he pulls this thick, aging contraption out of its holster, and then they wonder if they should consider hiring him.

Well, I guess I might do the same if my lawyer or accountant gave me their pager number and said, “You can get me at this number and I’ll call you back practically within minutes!”

In all my rants, there are many truths and many exaggerations.

I guess I’m hoping that on this mundane Monday morning, my message board will seek out both…