Yesterday, I received a couple of emails from my colleagues who didn’t like what I wrote in Monday’s blog post – about business practices that I don’t like, when dealing with multiple offers.

Well, today I’m going to take things one step further and detail MY new process for dealing with multiple offers.

Gotta fight fire with fire, right?

After a few personal inquiries as to the basis for yesterday’s blog post, I’ve decided that perhaps I need to re-think the way that I deal with multiple offer situations.

I’ll be reviewing offers tomorrow night for my listing at 80 Gnimelf Avenue, and I’ve laid out a course of action that I think is both fair and honest.

A few Realtors have made inquiries as to how I’ll be “handling” offers, so I’ve come up with the following plan.

This is exactly as per the email I sent this morning to everybody that had shown the property:

Dear fellow Realtors,

Thank you for your interest in 80 Gnimelf Avenue.

It is a fantastic house, and if early interest is any indication of how many offers we will receive, I may go on record saying that it is better than your house.

It is better than your sister’s house and your best friend’s house, and the warm vibrations under the roof far exceed anything that your own family could ever dream of producing.

We will be reviewing offers tomorrow evening at 7PM, but I wanted to give you the lay of the land in advance.

First and foremost, please address my client as “sir.”

Please ensure that you are starring at the ground at all times during the offer presentation, and that you help to create a feeling of superiority for my seller.  Do not at any point make direct eye contact with my seller as I do not want him to think you are equals.

Please do not draw attention to the fact that my client’s chair will be elevated about eighteen inches off the ground as to provide him with a platform from which he can look down upon you, figuratively and literally.

Please start all your sentances with “Please” and end them with “Mr. Seller.”

If at any point during the offer process, you feel that my seller looks parched, you must insist upon running out to the corner store to get him some Gatorade.  And none of that “G” crap; my client deserves “G2” – the good stuff.  Don’t insult him or he won’t look at your offer.

Now, as for the offer process itself, this is where things get unique.

There will be THREE ROUNDS of bidding, and I say this without knowing if anybody will even bother to submit an offer.

However, I might just round up the number of offers that we actually receive.

During the first round of bidding, I expect that you will present your offer on paper smelling of vanilla and soy-bean, and the offer should be more than your client is comfortable paying.

After we review all twelve offers, we will send everybody back for more money.

If your client comes back with more money, you get to do a shot of Tequila.

If your client does not come back with more money, you have to do a shot of Tequila.

The second round of bidding will be unique for several reasons.

First of all, you have to read your offer backwards and in Latin.  Some say that Latin isn’t a spoken language, but tell that to the people of Latinesburg…

Secondly, your offer needs to be $5,000 higher than the first round, or else we will laugh, ridicule you, take a sip of a fine Riesling while adjusting our ascots, and then throw the offer back at you much like some guy did to me when I was presenting in multiples at 24 Noble Street back in 2009…

If you are deemed worthy, you will make it to the third round.

However, between you and me, everybody will be sent to the third round, worthy or not.  This is not an 80’s video game where you must be deemed “worthy” of the princesses hand before you can become the Dragon Warrior…

The third round is where things get tricky.

First of all, you have to ingest seven shots of Jagermeister before you present your offer.  No exceptions will be made if you are pregnant or nursing.

Secondly, you need to show a little skin.  Guys – let’s see those calves.  Ladies – show some shoulder.  Cross-genders – think of something creative.

During the third round, we really go for the jugular.  We’re looking for more money than this property is ever going to be worth, no matter how long the earth is in orbit.  Sidebar – but does anybody think that the earth will still exist in 100 years?  Isn’t it somewhat of an honour to be the last generation on this massive rock before mankind finally kills it forever?  Well, maybe it’s our grand-kids that will be the last inhabitants, but we’re pretty damn close, eh?

So, this just came to me now, but I’d like to see 400 to 600 words, double-spaced, on the future of the universe as a “Schedule B” to the offer.

After all the offers are reviewed during the third and final round, we will work with the highest offer.

However, after the third round comes the BONUS ROUND.

I know this sounds like cheating, but I only said that there would be three rounds.  A bonus round is something different altogether.

In the bonus round, we will show glorious photographs of the property in its finest hour to those hopeful buyers who sit across the table from us.  We will show them videos of us having a great time in the backyard, splashing in the pool, and of our happy children on Christmas morning.

We will explain to them how we don’t “have” to sell, but rather we just “sorta wanna” sell.

We will then ask them to add $10,000 to their offer, or else.

The “or else” really has no true value.  There’s nothing that WE can do at this point, since we would have sent everybody else home.  But we’re confident in a 78.5% chance that they’ll add the $10,000, and we’ll laugh all the way to the bank.  Well, first we’ll laugh all the way to the Pusateri’s so we can buy a $12.00 box of Frosted Flakes, and after purchasing several ascots, neckerchiefs, and shoes that are literally made of gold, we will head to the bank to deposit our cheque (and we’ll be sure to treat the teller like the piece of crap that he is).

In conclusion, thank you to all of my industry colleagues for partaking in tomorrow night’s offer process.

We thank you for your offers.

Best of luck, although “luck” really only applies if you are a socialist hippie…

Regards,
David Fleming.

So that’s basically it.

I think it gets the point across and it lays out the bidding process very fairly so that nobody is caught off-guard.

The last thing we want is to frustrate our cooperating agents and alienate, frustrate, and crush potential buyers.

I can only imagine what we’ll do if and when we ever find ourselves in down market…