I thought we were going to have a nice, relaxing Thursday afternoon.

I thought we’d fill out a quick “survey,” qualify for our $75 prize, and go about our daily business.

I was wrong.

And the five hours they worked us over in the sales-room were absolute torture…

Tanya and I entered the conference room with Elizabeth and fifteen other couples and their reps.

I finally realized that “rep” referred to sales-representative, and that we were all being set up for a sales-pitch.

Every time I thought I had “figured it out,” really I was just another step behind.  I knew I was about to be pitched on the idea of buying a time-share, but I had no clue just how much PRESSURE they were going to apply.  Looking back on this right now, I grit my teeth and think about just how angry I am.

Elizabeth sat Tanya and I down at a table, and took out a paper and pen.  She began to draw a circle, which she called “the circle of life.”  I should have know right then and there that she was full of sh!t.

She told us that the circle had four quadrants: life, happiness, family, and action.  And she went on to say that all four of these things had one other thing in common: Vacation.

Before I go on any further, let me just say to all my clients, prospective-clients, and loyal blog-readership, that if I EVER pull out a piece of paper and a pen and start drawing a picture of you, all happy sitting in your new condominium, please slap some sense back into me…

Anyways, Elizabeth went through her sales-pitch, which I began to realize she had probably performed a thousand times.  She told us that she was a retired teacher from Buffalo and that she’d only been doing this for six months, but I suspect she chose Buffalo since it’s close to Toronto, and she had been doing this for twenty years.

She told us that in 1960, the value of a square foot of Floridian shoreline was worth $100.  Today (being 2001), it was worth $3000 per square inch!

She spent a half hour doing her presentation, and then put papers in front of me.  She told me, “I’m just going to show you how I would fill this out if you were going to buy a time-share,” and began to actually write my name, address, and personal information onto the Agreement To Purchase!

Wow!  Talk about pressure!

After I finally quipped up and said, “Elizabeth, you know that I’m in no position to buy a time-share, right?” another sales agent came and sat down with us.

“How is ebery-bady dooing,” asked Lucinda, in a thick Spanish accent.

Elizabeth explained that Tanya and I were just engaged, and Lucinda asked to see Tanya’s ring.  Tanya showed Lucinda the tiny diamond that her parents gave to her; that we used to pretend we were engaged “just in case.”

Then in one of the most astonishing moments of my life, Luncinda looked at the tiny ring, motioned towards me and said, “Ha….he’s still working on it!”  I couldn’t believe it!  Imagine if we really WERE engaged, and that was the ring I had bought her!  What an insult!

I gave Elizabeth and Lucinda every excuse in the book as to why I didn’t want to buy a time-share, and they had a retort for everything I said.  They worked me to perfection.  Lucinda shoved paper after paper in front of me, and highlighted numbers and continuously slashed them and replaced them with lower numbers or better options.

I told Lucinda, “I can’t afford $700 a month for something I’ll use a couple times a year!”  That’s when Lucinda pushed a different stack of papers in front of me, and said, “With this option your monthly payment is only $445!”

When I said, “Tanya and I aren’t even married yet,” Lucinda asked what she thought was a rhetorical question, “Well, aren’t you comfortable entering into an purchase before you are married?”  I responded, “Actually, no.”

At this point, I saw the light-bulb go off in Elizabeth’s head, but Lucinda simply turned her back to Tanya, and focused 100% on me.

Half the room had cleared out by now, and Tanya’s eyes were tired and she frowned as she just wanted to be anywhere but there.

I told Lucinda, “Even if I did want to buy a time-share, I don’t even have a cheque!”  Lucinda then brought over unviversal-bank-drafts that could be signed by anyone, anywhere.

I realized I was stuck.

I had been taken for a ride, and there were only two ways out:
1) buy a time share
2) do something drastic.

At the risk of offending my readers, I’m going to censor this next portion.  But please keep in mind that my girlfriend was in near tears, I was afraid I might cave, and we both just wanted to leave! 

When Lucinda finally asked me, “What do I have to do in order for you to buy this time-share?”  I leaned back in my chair, and said “Lucinda, you could (censored) my (censored) (censored) and I still wouldn’t by a condo from you.”

We were then free to go.

Lucinda, who was finally on the other end of an insulting comment for once in her life, got up and left.  That’s when Jack immediately rushed over and said, “Hey!  Mr. Toronto Maple Leaf!  Let me ask you something: What is the number-one reason you don’t think the timing is right for your time-share purchase?”  Elizabeth looked over at Jack and said, “Jack……we’re done.”

They finally gave up on us.

Elizabeth walked us down the hall to get our cheque, and she said, “You guys aren’t really engaged, are you?”  I told her, “Elizabeth, we’re just a couple of naive kids who jumped at the chance to subsidize our trip with $75 in cash.  We’re here for seven days, and this day was stolen from us.”

Elizabeth then told me, “David, 70% of the people that walk into that room end up buying a time-share.  SEVENTY!”

At that moment, I was actually very proud of myself.

I had been double and triple-teamed by the best sales agents in the time-share capital of the world, and I got out with my wallet in tact.

Elizabeth led us down the hall to the man who would finally give us our check, and she left us with a less-than-heartfelt Good-Bye.  The man asked us about the sales-pitch and laughed when I told him how much they tried to get us to buy a time-share.  We spent a few minutes talking about the crazy sales people, and he laughed.  We all laughed!  Then he said, “The crazy part is: those very same time shares they’re selling in there, well, I’m selling those for 35% cheaper!  Can you believe that?  Man, if you bought one from me, that would sure show them!”

I was beyond disgusted at this point.  This man who was pretending to be our friend and who pretended to feel our pain, was just another sales person.  I’m sure he’s the end-of-the-line and gets the last kick at the can.  This was all pre-planned, and simply staged to perfection.  Like an obstacle course that has no ending, when you finally reach what you perceive to be the end—-you just keep going.

I cancelled my golf game that afternoon so I could spend some time with my girlfriend, since I felt so responsible for her misery, short-lived or not.  We finally got our $75, which was reduced to $60 once CitizensBank took their “fees,” and we woke up the next morning and tried to pretend like none of that ever happened.

But six years later, I still get steam coming out my ears when I think about the beautiful summer day those sales-reps stole from me….

…..and how I had NEVER been duped like that before in my entire life…