We all have, or have had at one point, a neighbour that is one step short of certifiably insane.

But what do you do when you live in a condo and that neighbour is legally your partner in the condominium corporation?

I’ve had some very interesting condo neighbours over the years.

If you’ve been reading my blog for over a year now, then you likely read the story about the marijuana grow-op that was being run out of the condo next door to me in my old building.  That neighbour was always a bit strange, so it came as no surprise when the cops busted her one night for having 80+ plants growing in an elaborate and expensive setup in her 535 square feet.

On a long enough time horizon, you’re going to have some neighbours that you can’t stand.

Some neighbours are loud, some cook stinky foods, some throw cigarette butts down on your terrace, and some have visitors banging on their doors at 3am for some odd reason…

If you’ve never had a bad neighbour, then consider yourself lucky!  But also consider odds are – you’re going to get one soon!

My sister was telling me that across the hall from her is an Eastern European family with two teenage sons, and after the parents left (presumably on vacation), the kids have been throwing parties every single night.  She says “It’s like Jersey Shore moved in next door.”

What can she do?

The parents are away, and the way parents are today – they probably won’t discipline the kids when they get back.

These are the things we have to deal with when we live in condominiums and in very close proximity to one-another, and my honest-to-goodness advice is, “Just get used to it.”

But what do you do when your neighbour takes things to the next level?

I mean what do you do when your neighbour isn’t just being loud, but rather when your neighbour actually scares the crap out of you and questions your safety?

In my old building, my next-door-neighbour was the victim of an attempted break-in, and she awoke one night to find a man trying to squeeze his way through a small patio window.  We figured that he climbed up the tree that was off the back alleyway (we lived on the second floor), and so the obvious thing to do was have the tree removed by the city.

As obvious as the tree-removal solution was, to protect our safety, one person in our building didn’t like the solution.

My neighbour came home one day to find a threatening note that read, “How come you think you can remove that tree?  This isn’t over.  You’re going to get it.”

I might laugh that one off, but my neighbour was a young, single girl who was frightened for her safety.

I read the note and I figured that the person who wrote it was likely a crazy old woman.  Doesn’t that fit?  Do you think that a Ted Bundy-like serial killer is going to take issue with a tree being removed?  Probably not.  Forgive me for generalizing, but a 70-year-old woman who values the presence of a tree as much as she values kisses from her cat is the type of person who would make threats after this tree, which served as a ladder for break-ins, was removed.

My neighbour suspected the woman above her, but never did anything about it.

It wasn’t until the woman began dumping buckets of water on my neighbour’s head that she finally took issue!

Several times during the course of the summer, the old lady snuck out onto the balcony to pour a sizable amount of water down below on the people enjoying a night on the terrace.  My neighbour finally called the police, and after meeting with the old lady, they determined that she was crazy enough to warrant contacting her family, and suggesting a mental exam of some type.

I now find myself in the very same situation.

When I moved into my new condo, I had some work being done on my terrace.  I came home one day and found that the workers had left, and when I asked them why they stopped working, they said, “We’re not allowed to work on Saturday.”

I asked property management why they were told not to work on a Saturday, when there is nothing to indicate that in the rules, and property management said that not only is work permitted on Saturday, but also that they didn’t tell my workers to stop!

I went back to the workers for clarification, and they said, “Oh yeah, it was the woman three floors above you that stopped us.  She said we weren’t allowed to be there.”

After the weekend I just had, and after my interactions with this lady, the “we weren’t allowed to be there” excuse that my workers gave me, makes perfect sense, since she told me that I wasn’t allowed to be there either…

I was out on my terrace on Saturday afternoon, planting some flowers, and listening to music, and somebody above me shouted, “F*** YOU!  F*** YOU!  TURN THAT MUSIC OFF!”

I figured there was probably a better way of asking, and I was surprised that somebody felt the need to curse at one-hundred decibels, but not everybody is polite as we’d like them to be!

My music wasn’t on that loud, and given that there were several people out on their balconies, from what I could tell, that were BBQ’ing and listening to music, I wondered why I was being targeted.

I carried on my way, and again somebody yelled, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!  TURN IT OFF!”

I looked up, and I saw a woman in her late-60’s, with long silver hair, leaning over the balcony, pacing back and forth.

She shouted, “YOU CAN’T BE HERE!  YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE THERE!  YOU HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!”

That’s when I realized: she’s crazy.

She has no idea what world she’s in.  She’s not a normal person asking me to turn off my music, she’s a nut who believes that I’m not allowed to be there.

“YOU CAN’T BE THERE!” She shouted again.  “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!”

I believe the medical term is “bat-shit crazy.”

She wasn’t making any sense at all.  I have no idea what was going on in her mind, but perhaps she believes she’s the sole occupant in this building and that this whole place belongs to her.  Perhaps she believes I’m an intruder.  Maybe I’m an alien.

She continued shouting “YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!  YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.”

I finally shot back, “Please go away.  I’m okay, I’m fine.  Please go away.”

And that’s when things got a little weird.

She yelled, “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.”

Wow.  Intense!  She was already killing the fashion world with her pants hiked up to her ribcage, and her silver hair blowing in the wind.  But kill me?  Really?

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU I’M GOING TO KILL YOU I’M GOING TO KILL YOU,” she yelled, over and over and over.

And then she got really specific, “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU….TONIGHT!”

Wow.  Now she was actually laying out a schedule of events for my impending demise.

Not  only was she planning on killing me, and not only was she comfortable telling me this, but she also had the day and time planned!

She finally went away, and although I didn’t really care that much about what she said, it kind of stuck with me.

My fiancée got home and I told her, “The old lady three floors above us is going to kill me tonight.”  My fiancée responded, “Well I was pretty close to smothering you with a pillow as you slept last night, so it just goes to show you – people sometimes change their minds.”

I love this woman.  She has such a great sense of humour! 🙂

But part of me wondered what I might come to expect from this nutcase who I’ll be in close proximity to in the forseeable future.  Oh – sorry, I meant the old lady, not my fiancee….I just wanted to clarify that.

Can I expect buckets of water to be dumped on my head?

Is she going to call the police the next time I have the audacity to stand out on my own terrace?

The woman clearly has mental issues, and I’m hoping it doesn’t escalate from here.  Just before I moved out of my old building, my neighbour was telling me that she and property management were trying to have the woman who lived above her “removed” from the building.  I can honestly say that I don’t know how one goes about “removing” a crazy person, but surely when things escalate to a no-turning-back level, you have to take drastic measures.

In the end, I survived the night, and I didn’t suffer any bodily-harm at the hands of the silver-haired would-be murderer.

Just remember that whether you buy a house or a condo – there are going to be interactions with the people that live near you.  In a condo, you’re partners with them, like it or not, and you all live by the same rules and regulations.  With a house, you can always big a bigger, taller fence, but short of moving to a different area, you’re often stuck with your problems.

If you find yourself having issues with neighbours in your condo, the first step is a note to the property manager, and then to the Board of Directors.  It’s kept anonymous, and remember that these people are here to help you, not to control you.

If all else fails, you might have to call the police.  Trust me – it happens a LOT more than you think…