Raise your hand if you can recall a time during your childhood when you did something really stupid and then instead of getting out ahead of it, you sought to cover it up?

For the record, both of my hands are raised.

I can think of oh-so-many examples, but here’s one that I can (sort of) laugh at now…

When I was 15-years-old, I had just taken up the sport of golf and I was elated when an uncle gave me his old driver.

I had some “whiffle balls” in the house, and I decided one day during my lunch hour that I wanted to try out the driver….in the house.

Don’t worry, I’m not crazy!  Whiffle balls are plastic, with holes, and designed to fly a short ways before dying in the air.  They’re harmless!

So I smacked a whiffle ball around in our sunken living room, but with the club face of the driver being as fat as it was, I couldn’t get the ball off the ground!  I needed some loft like a golf tee.

I didn’t have a tee, and even if I did, I was the perfect combination of lazy and stupid, so I pulled a pen out of my pocket, and placed the whiffle ball on top.

I reached back, took a mighty swing, and smashed the whiffle ball to hell.

But I also destroyed that pen, and black ink went all over the carpet.

My Dad was going to kill me.

So I did what any 15-year-old would have done: I decided to cover up my mistake.

I got out the Yellow Pages (literally) and looked up “Carpet Cleaners.”  Remember when we did that?  Before Google?

I hired a carpet cleaner to come after school the next day, assuming my father wouldn’t see the stain on the carpet that night, which he did not, partially because I had piled some boxes in the middle of the room.

I met the carpet cleaners at 3:30pm, right after school, and it took them a short while to set up.

I was standing over two of the workers, arms folded, just about to pat myself on the back for having covered up what was a monumental fuck-up, when all of a sudden I heard a voice at the front of the house “What in the world is going on here?”

It was my Dad.

Home early today, eh Dad?  For the first time in, what, like a decade?

To say I “crapped my pants” would be more figurative, but this is as close as I ever came to literally doing so.

My Dad, asked me what had happened, and I made up a story about wrestling with a friend and having a pen in my pocket.  My Dad remained quiet and then said, “David, since you were four-years-old, I could tell when you’re lying.”  He then turned to go upstairs, but looked back and said, “When this (motioning to the carpet cleaners) is all finished, and you’ve failed to actually get that stain out, we’ll talk about what to do going forward.”

He was right.  These two carpet cleaners had no clue what they were doing.  What a waste of $120.

The guys my Dad hired on the weekend, who cost $380, got the stain out.  Wow, $380.  That was so much money in 1995, and I thought about how many shish-kebobs I made at Bruno’s Fine Foods for $6.40 per hour to pay for this goddam carpet.  It made me sick.

My Dad gave me another chance to come clean about what had happened, and I made up another lie.

He said, “Third time’s the charm,” and then just stood there, patiently waiting, and staring me down.

I took a deep breath and said, “Well, I had this golf club…”

He immediately threw up his hands, cut me off, and said, “That’s all I need to know.”

In re-living this story on Sunday night with my mother, who remembers it vividly, I told her something that I find quite amazing even today: I never once, even for a moment, thought about simply telling my Dad the truth from the start.

Not for a moment.  It just never occurred to me.

Was it me?

Or is this every kid who does something stupid?

As soon as I saw that thick, black liquid strewn across the beige carpet, every fibre of my being told me to lie, deceive, and conceal.

I wonder what would have happened if I’d just gotten out ahead of this?

When it comes to real estate, there are two schools of thought when it comes to addressing a major problem in a property for sale:

1) Get out ahead of it.  It’s going to be known eventually, so don’t allow buyers to get caught by surprise.
2) Conceal where possible and legal, downplay and minimize where not.  It’s our job to put lipstick on a pig.

When it comes to the second option, this is often where we really see examples of Realtors doing and saying the absolutely ridiculous.  And I’m not talking about simple marketing like referring to a small house as “cozy” or “cute.”  I’m talking about spin here.

Consider a situation where you actually have the gall to try to turn a negative into a positive.  That’s what I mean!

Picture a condo on the third floor, overlooking the Gardiner Expressway, with an MLS listing that reads, “You Don’t Need CP24 To Tell You What Traffic Is Like!”

These things usually make me laugh.  Sometimes I include the captions in my “MLS Musings” blog feature.

But what about referring to a cemetery as “Dead Quiet;” how do you think that would go over?

Alright, so I’m paraphrasing here, but this is essentially what one particular set of condo owners did last year when they tried to sell their condo which overlooked the cemetery.  And keep in mind, I did a blog in June of this year where I ranked the ten worst views for a condo as follows:

10 Staring at a brick wall
9) Overlooking the parking ramp
8) Staring at a gas station
7) Staring into somebody else’s living room
6) Overlooking the garbage bins
5) Overlooking the street – from the 2nd or 3rd floor – on a busy street!
4) Overlooking a parking lot/future condo build
3) Overlooking the proverbial “dark alleyway” where nothing good happens…
2) Staring directly at the highway
1) Overlooking a cemetery

I just re-read that post, and it was fun.

Have a look if you’re interested:

June17th, 2019: “What Are You Looking At?”

So low and behold, number-one on my list was “overlooking a cemetery,” and so this plays oh-so-well into the following…

The owners of this particular cemetery-facing unit decided that rather than minimizing or downplaying the cultural issues with the cemetery, or the miserable resale that awaits the buyer when it comes time to sell, or just the idea of our own impending death, they would take the offensive, and not just point out the cemetery to buyers, but actually try to sell it as a major feature!

They wrote a letter and uploaded it to MLS as an attachment.

Read this, and don’t skim:

My husband and I downsized to move to this condo building largely because of its location and the fact that it is low density (only 8 floors and 90 units).  We previously rented in a 60-floor high-rise building in Midtown at Yonge & Eglinton which initially had a lovely view, but which was then literally obliterated due to further high-rise building around us within the year.  The location was so noisy that one could not sit on the deck and engage in conversation.

Here at our condo building, our unit’s southern sunny view will never be obstructed by new-builds, due to the fact that we face the cemetery.  We love looking over the cemetery in all of the seasons, finding it refreshing as well as soothing and calming to have such an open view (versus looking at buildings ten feet away, as in our previous rental).  Views are particularly lovely in the spring and summer, given the blossoming trees.  We most enjoy the mornings and watching how the light and shadows change slowly as the morning sun peeps over the trees and starts to cross overhead.  The city view, towards the West, at dusk and when the sky is completely dark with just the lights of the buildings shining out is also so pretty.  The placement of our building is such that the street noise from Bayview is almost totally blocked, allowing us lovely peaceful moments on our deck.  Additionally, the way the building has been designed, balconies on this side of the building are completely private from one another.  For bird enthusiasts out there, the nearby trees provide wonderful viewing, all right from our deck.

Additionally, flanking the other side of our condo building is Sherwood Park.  It is such a beautiful park, offering lovely walking trails beside a babbling brook and an off-leash section for dog lovers: a little oasis in the busy city right next door.  In addition, the Sunnybrook Park system is just down the road which, again, has lovely walking trails, bike paths, and off-leash dog park, and picnic areas.

If one doesn’t like walking, the grounds around our building are beautiful to wander in.  Benches are set up in the garden area on the north side of the building, where shrubbery, planted flowers, manicured grass and trees provide a peaceful respite.

Additional benefits to the building’s location: one of the city’s finest hospitals is located within walking distance; with the new Crosstown LRT projected to be finished next year, it will be a breeze to travel anywhere in the city using the transit system.

The amenities of the building itself are many, including the pool, fitness room, party room, and two additional lovely seating areas, if one needs a change of scenario from one’s unit.  Additionally, the building has a 24-hour, full-time concierge service.

One last amenity of the building that should be pointed out is the people itself!  The community here in the building is comprised of vibrant, active, and interesting people.  Many have just downsized and come from homes in the adjacent Lawrence Park area.  Others work at the nearby hospital or downtown (given reduced travel time to the downtown core from this location).  We have a strong condo board in place along with various subcommittees.  One such committee is the social committee, responsible for planning fun activities/events for the residents throughout the year, which to date have been well attended.

Oh, wow.  Oh my God, so exciting.  Where do we start?

Overall, I’d say that there’s nothing I hate more than being sold.

I know this is ironic, considering I work in sales.  But I hate hollow, see-through, obvious attempts to sell, such as “with the new Crosstown LRT projected to be finished next year, it will be a breeze to travel anywhere in the city using the transit system.”

I hate when people point out the obvious, and I hate when the obvious becomes a feature.

Then there’s the “why does this matter” parts of the sale, such as the fact that the condo is walking distance to a hospital.  So what?  So if you’re injured, but not that injured, you can walk to the emergency room and save cab fare?

When I read stuff like this, it has the opposite effect as that which was intended, and I don’t think I’m alone here.  This reeks of desperation to me.

But the best part was how they tried to position the fact that the entire condo overlooks the cemetery as a positive, and not a negative.

And how did they do this?

Oh, it’s so clever, right?

So subtle!

“We previously rented in a 60-floor high-rise building in Midtown at Yonge & Eglinton which initially had a lovely view, but which was then literally obliterated due to further high-rise building around us within the year.”

Wink, Wink!

Stupid buyers!  They’ll just read this, and nod along.  “Yes, that’s true.  Hey Jenny, do you know what’s not going to be built upon?  A cemetery.”

“The location was so noisy that one could not sit on the deck and engage in conversation.”

Ah, right.

But do you know what’s not noisy?

Cemeteries!

They’re dead quiet, am I right?  Right?

“We love looking over the cemetery in all of the seasons, finding it refreshing as well as soothing and calming to have such an open view (versus looking at buildings ten feet away, as in our previous rental).”

There’s nothing more soothing than being reminded of your own impending death, and the eternity that awaits you, rotting in the ground.

I mean, I think about that, and it just makes me want to take another sip of my chamomile tea.

And buildings ten feet away?  No exaggeration here, it’s not thirty feet, it’s ten, which might contravene every single building code in existence, but take these guys’ word for it, folks!

You just don’t want to risk another “noisy” condo being built, obstructing your view.

You simply need to buy this condo that faces the cemetery, even though this is the #1 most difficult property type to sell in the city of Toronto.

What do you think, folks?  Is this an example of “Me thinks thou doth protest too much”?

Considering that cemeterey-facing units are, as I’ve mentioned too many times by now, the least-popular view in the city, does these folks saying, “We love facing the cemetery” fall somewhere on par with an ugly person saying, “I love being ugly?”

Well guess what?

There’s only one moron in all of this, and that’s me.

Because this unit sold, and it sold fast.

It sold for a great price, and one that didn’t discount the cemetery-view in the slightest.

The impossible happened.

Lightning was caught in a bottle.

Time stood still.

I can’t believe this ridiculous letter worked.  It just goes against everything I know to be true in this world.  And maybe it wasn’t the letter that sold the property, but it sure didn’t hurt in this case, did it?

Maybe there’s a time to tell your parents that you didn’t break that glass vase, and a time to come clean.  Perhaps when you’re actually standing over a pile of broken glass, and your parents just heard a smash, is when you go with the second option.

I think every situation is different, as is the case with real estate.

I would advise both sellers and listing agents to think long and hard about their options…