Cover your body in honey and go lay on an ant-farm….that’s making yourself “vulnerable”…

Or, take your “David Fleming: Open House” signs, put them outside your building, and hold an open house.

THAT is making yourself vulnerable!

Just when I think I’ve seen and heard it all in real estate, this woman comes into my open house…

Let me set the scene for the most epic battle since B-Rabbit versus Papa Doc at the end of the movie 8 Mile…

On Saturday afternoon, I’m running my open house for a cute 1-bedroom unit at 230 King Street East, where I also happen to live.

I’m making conversation with three men in their mid-twenties, one of which is the prospective buyer, and the other two who comprise his supporting cast.  They like the area, love the building, and are quite smitten with the unit itself.

Then a lady walks through the front door, sheepishly smiles, and begins to poke about.  She looks the unit over, left, right, up, and down, and then comes to the kitchen and stands quietly as I speak with the three gentlemen.

I’m telling them why I purchased a unit in this building, and why I think that 230 King and 168 King are the buildings most likely to out-appreciate the market in downtown Toronto.

She then interrupts us all.

“Can I give you a piece of advice?” she asks.

It was clearly a rhetorical question.

“This unit is soooooo overpriced!  Now, I’m not a real estate agent, but….”

STOP RIGHT THERE!  What did she say?  She’s not in real estate; she’s not a real estate agent?  Well boy-howdy!  That’s a great way to preface what you’re about to say!

She then continues, “I also live in the area, and I paid LESS for my unit and it has even MORE space!”

“Which building is that?” asked one of the guys.

“That’s at 323 Richmond Street,” she said.

I almost chuckled outloud. I’ll explain why in a moment. 

She continued, “My building is great, my neighbors are fantastic, and we absolutely LOVE living there.”

I begin to fold my arms over my chest and lean against the wall in my “I’m not impressed” stance, as I know what is about to happen.

“You know, this unit just is NOT worth $256,900, not even close!  I mean, my unit cost LESS than this and it has a den, and I bought it in the spring!  I have granite countertops in my kitchen, and while I don’t have this upgraded hardwood that you have here, I have really nice laminate and it looks fantastic!”

At this point, I saw the three gentlemen begin to nod their heads like they were hearing what she was saying, and she then finishes with this gem:

“I wouldn’t pay more than $240,000 for this unit.”

Now, I’m not a confrontational guy, despite my black belt in karate and wicked tongue, I rarely fight back when provoked physically or verbally, but there was something about this woman that made me want to pick a fight.

But I did it respectfully, and professionally of course.

“I’m happy to hear that you love where you live, that’s great, I love real estate stories that end well,” I began.  “But you are comparing apples and oranges, and making them sound like they’re Granny Smith’s plucked from the same crate.”

Her face scrunched up as she tried to comprehend what I was saying.

“323 Richmond Street is a seven-year-old building and has over 500 units.  It fronts onto Richmond, which is a one-way street that, by the way, is the downtown exit off the Don Valley Parkway and thus is a thoroughfare for cars.  It’s all condominium buildings, and has no infrastructure.  There’s a gas station across the street, and a condominium being built on the kiddie-corner.”

She actually looked surprise.  It’s like telling a person with brown hair that their hair is brown…

“230 King Street is a two-year-old building with 300 units.  It fronts onto King Street, on the most vibrant section of the busy King East Village; one of the most up-and-coming areas in the city.  It’s next door to Veritas Restaurant and Betty’s Pub; across the street from EQ3 and other high-quality furniture stores.  There’s a TTC stop right outside the door.  The St. Lawrence Market is a three minute walk.  People who live on Richmond come to King.  People who live on King, already live there….”

She looked frustrated, and the three gentlemen smirked.

“Well I sure don’t see a difference,” she said.

I then finished with, “Well, as you said at the start, you’re not in real estate.”

Her argument was tantamount to saying that while she’d like to play in the National Hockey League, she could score far more goals if she played her career in the minor leagues with a bunch of teenagers.

It’s like me eating delicious butterscotch pudding, while she eats a bowl of dirt.  She claims that she has twice as much dirt as I have butterscotch pudding, therefore she emerges the victor.

I haven’t eaten dirt since Ed Christie smushed my face in the sand pit at Bessborough School in grade three.

But this woman will continue to eat dirt, voluntarily, and argue with anybody who disagrees with her.

And units at 230 King Street will appreciate at a rate of 12% per year, as her unit at 323 Richmond appreciates at a rate of 3% per year.

Enjoy your dirt.

I freakin’ LOVE butterscotch…