This is a microcosm of what is wrong with society today.
As long as there is at least one person who buys this product, then there is simply no hope for the future of mankind…
I know what many of you are thinking: “I already know what he’s going to say.”
But whether you’ve seen these ads and you’ve already gone off on this rant, or not, it still needs to be said.
Any time I turn on the TV and hear the words, “Hi Folks, Anthony Sullivan here,” I just assume I’m about to be spoon-fed a crappy, over-priced product that I don’t need.
I wrote about “Cash For Gold” a few years back, and it summed up everything I hate about today’s world. People are stupid enough to mail their gold to somebody they’ve never met, and simply hope that they are sent back fair market value for the commodity – that they have no clue how to value.
They refer to it as “broken” or “unwanted” jewelry, as if a “broken” gold bracelet somehow makes it worth less, or in some cases, worthless.
But even worse than Cash For Gold is something called the iRenew bracelet that is being pitched at 3AM on Fox TV, or even during credible TV shows in prime time.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with iRenew, let me sum it up:
It’s an exceptionally cheap piece of alloy that is shaped into a bracelet and does absolutely nothing.
It’s sold for $19.99 online or TV.
And people buy it.
Here’s the actual advertisement, in all its true glory:
There are so many quotes from this short two-minute video that I just have to delve into…
“Athletes wear it; celebrities wear it!”
Well, that’s as good a reason as any!
But don’t athletes and celebrities also seem to get in more trouble with the law? Don’t they get arrested for DUI, go to rehab, and beat their wives a lot? Athletes and celebrities have one positive attribute in common: they’re rich. That’s really what they’re trying to say here – rich, famous, admirable people who have better lives than you, are wearing this product!
But if any athlete or celebrity actually did wear this, it would ruin their career.
“A recent university study shows that iRenew may promote balance, strength, and endurance.”
Notice the key word here: may.
That’s right – iRenew may do these things. Or, it may not. In actual fact, it may do…..NOTHING!
Imagine another product out there that can get away with using the word “may.”
Imagine a commercial for and Apple product that says, “The I-Pad may work, and it may not.”
Or how about a car commercial that shows a sleek, smooth automobile cruising down the street and the words “This car may drive this fast, and it may not.” What if they were showing the safety features and they said, “The seatbelt may save your life, or it may be constructed from yarn and may break on contact.”
“I’m doing my job better,” says the waiter, who looks like he’s been out all night partying and seems a bit scattered.
So you make minimum wage, you have a simple job, and you’re doing it better? And this is encouraging me to buy this product, why?
The instructions for the bracelet are simple:
1) “Just put it on.”
2) Experience the difference.
They never actually explain what it does or how it claims to do it.
They just keep talking about how “incredible” it is, and having people say “wow,” or “I recommend it.”
The pitch-man refers to the iRenew as “eye catching,” and of course it is! It’s eye-catching because any time you see somebody wearing one, you can’t help but think, “Holy crap that person actually bought that stupid bracelet off TV!” Then, you run the other way, because that person is clearly a psycho…
“Athletes and celebrities have paid hundreds or even thousands of dollars to get their hands on this technology.”
Notice how they didn’t say “….to get their hands on this product.”
No, they said “This technology,” which could mean anything. Because we know that no athlete, celebrity, or person alive has paid hundreds or thousands of dollars for this product, which is available for $19.99.
“iRenew is my next secret, for sure.”
I’m sure this could be seen in a positive light, but I think this man is clearly saying, “I’m going to keep this entire experience a secret because I don’t want anybody knowing that I ever contemplated purchasting this, or even interracted with the people selling it.”
But wait! There’s more!
They’re willing to send you a SECOND bracelet for free! Just pay separate process and handling, even though they’ll come in the same box. So now the price of this “incredible” product is a mere $9.99! And we know that all kinds of life-saving, valuable, unique consumer goods cost $9.99!
The iRenew may promote balance, strength, and endurance, which is really great.
Because it’s predecessor, the Q-Ray, didn’t make any claims at all!
The Q-Ray was the original, unbeatable “nothing product” to beat all nothing products.
Here’s the video:
Wow, this is so full of BS I don’t know where to start.
“Before I put the Q-Ray on, I was extremely limited in the things I could do.”
Then they show him turning over the pages of a newspaper. Tough life.
“Once I put the Q-Ray on, things changed dramatically. I felt much better. I could do the things I used to do….again.”
How vague is that?
What could you do now? What was different? They showed you walking to your car – were you unable to walk before? Were you merely able to sit and flip the pages of the newspaper?
“The Q-Ray bracelet works to balance your negative and positive energy forces, optimizing your bio-energy to provide an overall sense of well-being.”
That is pure meaningless jargon.
HOW does it work to balance positive and negative energy forces? And how do you identify these forces?
And what the hell is “bio energy?” Wikipedia defines “bio energy” as: a renewable energy made available from materials derived from biological sources.
What am I missing here?
A woman says, “We’ve been going through a lot of health problems in our family,” and then adds that as soon as she put on the Q-Ray, she felt better! Well how about…….this hat! If you wear this hat, you’ll feel better! So it must be the hat!
At no point during this video do they tell you what this product actually does, except that it might “make you feel better.”
All they do is run out person after person who give vague tesimonials about how they couldn’t “do the things they wanted to do” and that now they’re “doing things better.”
At no point do they explain HOW this product works, unless you believe in thieir bio-energy BS…
But my favourite part is this image:
When I see this close-up of these people’s wrists with those stupid bracelets, I can’t help but picture them reaching for a giant glass of yummy cyanide-fruit-punch and downing it with glee! Then perhaps advising the TV viewers, “We’ll let you know when we get to Romulux 48 – the ninth moon on Pluto in the Champagne Supernova in the sky.”
Be honest: if you saw somebody wearing the iRenew bracelet or a Q-Ray, would you take them seriously? Wouldn’t you think that perhaps they’re a bit…..”off?”
I can’t decide which of these products is more moronic, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that it doesn’t matter.
The fact that one of these products was ever made is enough to turn my stomach and take away any faith I ever had in mankind. But the fact that a second bracelet was made just goes to demonstrate that there was success with the first one!
How can we ever have equality in society when some people are naive enough to believe that a $10 bracelet is going to help change their lives? If the makers of iRenew and Q-Ray didn’t steal these people’s money, somebody else would!
As a final thought, I was surprised to find videos and testimonials online where people claim that Q-Ray is a “fake” or iRenew is a “scam.”
I don’t know if you can call this a “scam,” since it doesn’t really claim to do anything! Doesn’t this fraud speak for itself?
I feel sorry for the person who spent $10 on this item, took it home, put it on, and then said, “Heeeeeey! Wait a minute! This doesn’t actually do anything!”
Didn’t we know this from the get-go?
So let me leave you with this question: What is worse – people putting their gold bracelets into envelopes and mailing them to a faceless company who will send them an undisclosed sum of money, or people who will put a bracelet on and expect it to cure what ails them?
Wow. I can’t imagine what’s next…Back To Top Back To Comments
at 8:33 am
Mr. Fleming, I think we need to visit The Simpsons again:
After a single bear wandering into town has drawn an over-reaction from the residents of Springfield, Homer stands outside his house and muses, “Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol is working like a charm!”
Lisa sees through his reasoning: “That’s specious reasoning, dad.” Homer, misunderstanding the word “specious”, thanks her for the compliment.
Optimistically, she tries to explain the error in his argument:
“By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.” Homer is confused: “Hmm; how does it work?” Lisa: “It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!” Homer: “Uh-huh.” Lisa: “…but I don’t see any tigers around, do you?”
Homer, after a moment’s thought: “Lisa, I want to buy your rock.”
I copied that from some UK website on critical thinking.
Quality rant though, how’s Idaho treating you? Enjoying the Snake River?
at 9:12 am
I think we’re going whitewater rafting on the Snake on Saturday.
This morning, however, I’m teeing off at 7:44AM at Teton Springs Golf Club.
at 9:15 am
You should try my new product.
It’s an energy balancing envelope. The parabollic ions are activated by unwanted and broken jewellery.
If you put your gold into the envelope and mail it to me, this will create a chemical reaction that releases the ions and they are then absorbed into your bloodstream.
You will be able to do everything better. Also, many celebrities have mailed me their gold, and now want to mail me more! I’m running out of space here!
at 9:37 am
If you find your Q-Ray or iRenew bracelet failing in your expectations, I have a bottle of Genuine Snake Oil – that will definitely cure your ails!
at 2:20 pm
The day that I found out that my father had bought one of these bracelets was the saddest day of my life.
at 8:44 pm
Many scientists and doctors feel the same way about most (but not all) of the “alternative medicine” field. Especially homeopathy. Don’t get me started.
at 12:24 pm
Today’s fantastic Groupon deal is a “Harmony Balance Band”..note the # of people who’ve purchased them so far at $15/each: http://www.groupon.com/deals/harmony-balance-bands?c=dnb&p=1
at 5:09 pm
You think people believing that is bad? There’s actually people out there that believe there’s a magical man in the sky that controls everything, and that you’ll join him when you die.